Blank Slate

There is something about February that is not conducive to writing. A month that opens with James Joyce's birthday and has been known as the month of the dead seems to itch with creativity. Instead all I do is sit here and stare at blank sheets of paper contemplating intelligent things to write, then downgrading down from intelligent to mildly witty to now hoping to hit on something that might moderately arrive as a fluff piece.

Perhaps it does not help that I have, of late, become addicted to online video game playing and/or perhaps it is because it has been too cold to leave the apartment and have new experiences. Regardless this is becoming a bit of an issue.

It's a disease, a virus. A need to imagine the words that should show up. To see threads of ideas that one wishes to see and then not being able to write about them. It is... vexing...

No more so than for you, of course, dear readers, who not only don't have anything to read from us, but then when there is something to read from us it is terrible.

More is to come and today is the final day of February. Something needs to start picking up. Otherwise... shit, it's the fucking Ides of March. Bastards...

Where We've Been

Good Friday Coitusers,

Well not yet, but at least it's Lent. That's a good thing right? Again I have humbled myself with ridding myself of another one of my burdens. This year I am again giving up.... Not giving up anything. It is, I know, a large burden and one that for the 20th year in a row I am not 100% sure that i will be trying to muddle my way through.

The first in what is hopefully an ongoing experience...

Our Person of the Week

Finally a bit of good news to come down the pipeline for 2007. Soon, there will be no need to wake up early on that off day, soon there will be no need to fly out of the house and drive blindly in order to enjoy that sweet tasty bit of grease. That's right folks now McDonalds is serving breakfast all day long.

I am not a large fan of lessons in how to write which, more or less is probably why I am not good at it. These rules are fantastic though, I especially enjoy rule six out of the third part the best.



This could be interesting. Tarantino and Rodriguez have combined to make a Grindhouse movie.

There are many reasons, of course, that we should all love the South. Perhaps it s because the South realizes that children are our future. Perhaps it is because the South has out thought that thought by realizing that if children are our future it only makes sense to be children. Here are parents excuses for their children not showing up to school.

And finally, further proof that Namor, the Submariner is trying to take over the world. Fish, with faces:

Spring Training

Ah Spring Training has arrived. A time for the stove to finally turn off and a time to turn the coffee pot on. A time to look at boys taking batting practice and jock sniffers to look at schedules and try to predict where the Twins are going to finish.


It is also at this time that ones needs to remember that the Minnesota Twins are not Public Radio and there is no need to pledge them money. This thought passed through my brain as I willing chumped up the money to watch Spring Training on my computer and then gave serious consideration to purchasing tickets to games that I knew I would not be able to make.

Living in Crapcago I feel even a closer need for a connection to the Twins. A need to study more of the Twins blogs that are out there, to learn more about the minor leaguers that could come up for their cup of coffee towards the end of the season and, of course a dream of actually winning it all. That this could be our year.

In February there is magic in the air. There is the belief that we will win. That the Bitch Sux will finish last in the division and CC Sabathia will get injured eating a chicken fried chicken sammich.

Andy's Half-Assed Answers to Legitimate Questions

BAD MOTHER COITUS: Which hero do you identify with the most?

Andrew: Mr. Furious

The BMC: Is it true that Chewbacca finally cleaned up and was back acting in the hit comedy Beethoven's 2nd?

Andrew: No but he was originally cast for Pacino’s part in Scent of a woman.

The BMC: If, and God for bid "if", Valentine McKee and Earl Bassett would actually have come to blows while on the rock, who would've won?

Andrew: Earl, on account of the fact that before he legally changed his name and moved to perfection, he was Remo Williams.

The BMC Having lived most of your life wanting to be more like me, what advice do you have for folks that also idolize me?

Andrew: I would say that the crumbs from a God’s table taste better than the tremendous twelve.

The BMC: What is the most annoying movie quote of all time?

Andrew: Anything Elijah wood said in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

The BMC: Now that the show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is about to be cancelled do you think your friend Jordan will resume not dressing you?

Andrew: Probably not, but hopefully we won’t have to sleep together anymore.

The BMC: Why don't you let Karl play Warcraft at work? He is an officer for crying out loud.

Andrew: If I have to work, so does everybody, plus it’s hard enough keeping that kid focused.

Where We've Been

Good Evening Mother Coitus,

Another week down the drain and the shortest month of the year hits the midway point. Also the end of the crappy segue where you the viewer were short changed on hearing from all of us... May it never happen again.

Finally a definitive social project that finally shows who our super hero girlfriend/boyfriend is. For all of you that take part, hands off Psylocke...

I don't know if anybody in the world hasn't seen this but it is fairly funny. I'm not a huge Joe Rogan but it is good to see Carlos Mencia put down for stealing material. Subsequently, Joe Rogan has been banned from the Comedy Store. While this is not a good battle it is funny.

Science, friends, has stepped up to explain why men ignore their nagging wives. While I didn't actually read the article I did see enough (that it has science+ignore+nagging wives in the title) to believe that it is true. And since it is true it does show that the male race is an abused race.

And while Science is at it, it shows us also that Depression could be a form of evolution. Either that or else it is just a means of defense against the nagging wife.

The Earth lovers have come out with a website to show us how bad of people we are. I measured at 2.5 earths. These guys are always such kicks in the pants. I'm going to go enjoy a fucking soy latte.

This is intense. Kid falls from 12,000 feet. His first parachute doesn't open so he tries to pull his second. The second parachute does not open either. He falls into a shubbery and walks away.

the return of something new

the dull quarters and the shiny new dimes drop into place in the machine. there's a rumble and there's something waiting for the anonymous user in some back room break room down by their knees.

the feet shuffle out on the cheap linoleum designed to look like the absence of design. a plain so boring that even after years of daily use, of spilled soda cleanups and overloaded potluck plate wipe downs is still so ingrained as nothing that it may as well not even exist.

the door clicks shut with the grace of a politician. which is to say none at all. a rush of air, a thud, a magnetic seal locking down the facility of those poor people who fear retribution for doing...what again? why all the secrecy? why the security? why waste the time?

the paper flutters in her hand as she escorts her document back to her desk. she clears her throat, takes a sip of something warm and soothing and begins typing. she'll repeat this a dozen times today and a dozen tomorrow. she won't think about it. this is a good thing.

and me? i've been daydreaming about the end of the world.

it helps to pass the time.

Thoughts and Considerations

Is it just me or was Tom the Cat (of Tom and Jerry) entrusted with entirely too much responsibility?

In heaven will we all still be able to have the satisfaction of a really good poop?

I believe the future of androgyny to be pointing in a direction where it will not be enough to be a boy that looks like a girl. Someday you will need to be a boy that looks like a girl trying to look like a boy.

Out of all the crappy legislature that our government passes would it absolutely kill them to pass a law stopping people from taking cute/funny pictures of their pets?

How much longer will it be before candidates start drawing attention to themselves through the use of good old fashioned porn?

Is now the perfect time to make fun of David Beckham or should we wait until after his first movie comes out?

Are they people that gave us the Mentos commercials being fully punished for what they did?

How far away are we from MTV chosing to play the same music video back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back and not bother with putting filler in (except commercials and previews for Real World: Drunk, Dirty Sluts and the girls that love them).

Where We've Been

Hey Coitusers…

I completely forgot that today was Friday hence the tardiness of this links oh fun.

Regardless… enjoy…

HBO has a history of making the best television programs available to man; they may soon be outdoing themselves. This new series could be a combination of Lord of the Rings and Band of Brothers. They have recently agreed to make George RR Marin’s A Song of Fire and Ice into a mini series.

Readers, as you may well know, I do not like people. There are few things more annoying in the world than a person that wants to talk to you. Worse, of course than that, is working retail and being paid to deal with customers. On this website I feel that we should offer to draw a bold line in the sand where there should be National Bitch Day where you are capable of bitching out whatever potential customer with no fear of reprisal. The poor retail working bastard from this article could be our first member.

This will be sure to kill off time. Due to this website I was able to find out that the letters of Bad Mother Coitus can be coyly reworded to make A Bitch Dome Tours… perhaps the finer way of explaining this website.

I know that we were pretty much scooped by everybody on this. But Tom Cruis is the newest Jesus Christ? I mean seriously… even if we did get scooped I think we can all share another laugh over this.

Christmas is close to being only 10 months away. And in the meantime there are birthdays and Richtermageddon. A gift from a fellow Minnesotan… what could be finer?

Your depressing moment for the day

When I saw this website I almost cried. Almost- the world as you know it would’ve ended should that have happened: dogs and cats living together. The good folks at DoubleViking have done it: The Top Ten Mano-A-Mano movie fights of all time.

A Brief Statement

Gone but not forgotten, missing but still relevant, silenced but commemorative, exasperated but indifferently hopeful. Through many trials, toils and errors it appears as though the great powers have seen fit to allow us back onto the air.

Not with a bang nor a whimper do we resurrect ourselves bringing back the same hard hitting journalistic pride that our readership craves nay deserves! Never let us be separated for this long again.

In a short, elongated stream of consciousness I will catch you up on the past two weeks:

Guystines day, yeah, Jordan doesn't run away from a fight! Fargo, what the fuck am I doing in Fargo? Yes, I might like to join World of Warcraft [self loathing and further self contemplation on direction of my life]. The Bears lost "there is a saying in Chicago, there is always next year" If I have another drink I don't think that my body will be able to remain in one piece and the world may end in the conflict that ensues.

The engineers and go-bots are still in meetings to discover what created this potential dooms day scenario that left you, the innocent bystander out in the cold. I have challenged them to find out more so that this will never happen again. Unfortunately, most of our finest minds have accepted the Exxon Challenge and are now trying to disprove Global Warming.

More fitting and deserving information to follow. But know that you are all loved and have been missed.

Where We've Been

Coistusers!

Changes are, of course, in the constant works here at The BMC... those changes take a ton of time... which sucks but... well, get excited anyway!

As you well know the authors of this website put their money where their mouth was challenging the vile folks of 10lee Inc. to a Battle of the Blogs. This regarded the match between the evil doing Seattle Seahawks and the courageous Chicago Bears. As the rules clearly stated a full apology was to be stated by the makers of 10lee Inc. upon the inevitable victory of the Bears. Thus far we are still waiting for the apology to come.

This website is well known for recognizing and promoting the written works of heroes. Mostly this is, of course, limited to ourselves but on occasion an individual will rise to the occasion (especially ninja's). In this special segment of our Friday's link article we would like to recognize our Ninja of the Month.

Of course we want to believe that all sides are fairly represented and wish to give Pirates their fair time. Finally an individual has created a wikipedia website to detail the ongoing conflict and strife that continues between both Ninja and Pirate in one all conclusive, hard hitting document.

We have always prided ourselves on having the best educated readers on the web. But how is our nation supposed to learn if they do not have the means to do so? But now, dear reader, you can, thanks in no small part to this massive collection designed for you proud autodidacts!

For those of us who have not watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas in a while we might have forgotten that LSD is a horrible drug. Detailed on this website are renderings of a man drawn by an artist given doses of the hallucinating drug over the course of eight hours.

This is a very lame link Friday, so to make it completely more awesomer (and really we need have only placed this on the website and then walked away) I give you, perhaps, the greatest clip... of all time.

Brought to you by loyal reader G-Bug... Balddee, you may now soil yourself in pleasure.

Idiocracy

Bad Mother Coitus Rating... 6 of 7

Loud and in your face advertisements are the only means of communication while constant, broad gestures born of light, color and faithless beliefs form in what should be right. Innocence and the inoculation of fearlessness of future are guided, largely, by apathy. Such are the trepidation's of Mike Judge's Idiocracy.

Easy prophesies are ably applied to MTV, Walmart (though the film pulls the punch by choosing Costco) and World Wresting Federation. So are the days of our lives 500 years into the future where the number one show on television is watching a man get his balls crunched and the number one movie is of a butt farting; one of the nicest touches was watching the evolution of the franchise name Fuddruckers to Butt Fuckers. One of the nicest touches is the greater at Costco saying "I love you" as you walk in the door showing the break down of all relevant language.

Mike Judge's second feature film received little studio marketing most notably because the film did not provide what a studio would consider a viably available trailer- the trailer that this website provides is a simple clip from the movie. The movie succeeds at pointing out the faults of our reality and the degenerates that we all are becoming not largely by choice but because it is easy.

This movie will never enjoy the same attention as Office Space as it is not as easily identifiable. Likewise it lacks the cartoon like characters that could be cookie cuttered into a common fools cube life. Instead the movie works on a much deeper level revealing grander truths and making it the superior picture.

New York Chronicles Part 2 : Getting there is half the Fun

Patience is a virtue and Balddee is a receptacle for peace, at least that’s what I told my Anger Management counselor o yeah where was I.. Sitting at the airport for 3 hours waiting to be picked up by some people I did not know and they didn’t answer there phone.
The old level of tolerance was running thin after an additional 30 minutes of no return phone calls I get a buzz and on the phone is some lady laughing

"hey where here" she belts out "Where are you at?"

I told them what door to meet me at and after that said my pleasantries hung the phone up and proceeded outside where I get my first glance of the dynamic duo I was nice, as nice as I could be, heck part of the wait was my own fault so I couldn’t be that sore, I was greeted by Terrance a thin frail type of fellow the best way to describe him …think Icabod Crane from the Disney Cartoon, with a thick Tom Selleck mustache ( And yeah I spelled Ic's name incorrectly but you get the idea so shut it and keep reading ) he came out with a smile dressed in a very Red suit and I mean Red from the coat the pants the Shirt and shoes, think a very anorexic Kool Aid Man.

Sitting in the passenger seat was Kecia Strawberry Blonde smoking Parliaments thru one of those cigarette holders... ah kind of like the one you see maybe Betty Davis using in an old 50s film, I have never been one for small talk but I had to oblige, I decided to learn more about my new roomies Kecia stated she knew Trina for 10years so I had to ask "I didnt see you guys at Trinia’s wedding" I would remember this couple.

Kecia smiled and explained they were at an art exhibit in Sweden and they couldn’t get away huh? I asked more questions trying to figure out why I have never met this couple before turns out Terrance originally is from Brussels but came to the U.S when he was 15 he is a Painter, Sculptor and everything in between which I commend anyone who can make a living at what they love and that was the reason for missing the Wedding made sense Kecia is originally from Tennessee and meet Trina in college and they have been friends since I had more questions but that was cut short .

"We need to make a pit stop" Terrance says with a smirk "Why what’s up"
I replied,
"We have to go to Brooklyn" he says
"Brooklyn now ... really?" I replied keeping my tone in check .

"You will like it." he exclaimed.

Now keep in mind I got into town late and I have been at the Airport for almost 4 hours then there’s the traffic into the City and then from there Kool Aid Man wants to stop off in Brooklyn, which usually I would not mind except Mark’s place is in Manhattan .I let Terrance know that I would much rather just get to Mark’s place and rest up, get rid of my luggage ya know settle in before I party down if that was o.k. .
But they both wouldn’t hear of it so off we were to Brooklyn with me in back helpless to do anything about the current situation.

Don’t get me wrong I grew up in Brooklyn so I was not being a snob but I just wanted to free myself up, but my inner whine fest had to take a back seat cause we arrived in Brooklyn and pulled into an alley where , waiting with a big old jacket was the security guard well he was of sorts anyway he stopped us Kecia rolled down her window and showed a Yellow badge upon seeing that , we were waved in to a parking lot found a spot and parked the car.

It

The most beautiful thing
We can experience
Is the mysterious.
It is the source
Of all true art
And all science.
He to whom this
Emotion is a stranger,
Who can no longer pause
To wonder
To stand rapt in awe,
He is as good as dead:
His eyes are closed.
~Albert Einstein

Where We've Been

Coitusers!

Overly shallow people that want to be deep. Philosophy majors are the sorts of people that fail to think for themselves and so hide themselves behind quotes of others. Either that or perhaps they're all failed History majors. Regardless here is their top 100 books of all time *yawn*

In an attempt to further broaden music the Covers Project has been born. The creators of this website hope to continue to expand the project with more music and thus introduce people to new bands through the songs that they love or else introduce music to the masses through modern renditions.

An interesting take on being black, comedian and in New York. Not unlike Balddee except that this guy is funny.

Anybody that is gangstalked or believes that they are being gangstalked deserves at least a few inches of column on this website. He does tend to go on quite a bit but I enjoy such Hemmingway titles as Gangstalked in the Rain.

Attacks like these are fun! Jerks that take up two parking spots should be punished. Here is the apology note that somebody left the individual after hitting their car.

It is never too early to start thinking about Richtermas. This year the talk was of replacing the t-shirts with patches or... perhaps these lovely key chains. I remain nonplussed. Honestly, I think that we can do better than this.

Finally good citizens of the world have united and recognized the evilness and inherent evil that books possess.

This is the greatest flash game ever made... i hate it.... i love it...

Kitten Cannon

I still believe that Star Trek is one of the finest television programs ever made.

Gangstalk!

Children of Men

Bad Mother Coitus Rating... 5 of 7

According to movies the not to distant future is rarely a warm and cuddly place. Often times it provides us with urban cityscapes that are ravaged by nuclear bombs, gross scenes where humanity has been reduced to a savage's level and all that is left is raw hope reminder to those of us who are in the past that this is our future to prevent.

Children of Men is a movie to go into with high expectations. This is not because it delivers on anything new nor does it necessarily perform better what has come before it. In fact midway through the movie you will find yourself questioning why you are liking the movie. Clive Owen’s Theo seems like a stock type character. Smart guy who had something bad happen to him so he turned into a loser, alcoholic, smoker and is just in need of that dare to be great speech so that he can turn into something special (the Keanu Reeves character). But in Children of Men Clive Owen breathes a pathos into an overly predictable character showing true humanity in a horrible world.

The strengths of this movie is in the story telling, most notably in how it tells a back story. This is done not by bludgeoning the viewer over the head with a synoptic history of how the world came about, instead it tells the story of the fall through subtleties: old newspapers that have been placed on windows to blot out the sun, graffiti on the ruined sides of buildings and relics of music from better and more happy times.

The filming of the movie is also unique. Replaced are the standard framed shots with hand held cameras. Elongated shots where blood remains on the camera travel through abandoned subway cars, up stairs, into derelict buildings. Shrapnel peels off of concrete, RPG’s are fired heedless of who is right and who is wrong into crowds and explosions rock seemingly innocent streets.

This is a movie to go to not because it is a deep movie yet not because it is popcorn fun. On both of those levels it misses. It is a movie to go to because it excellently made, excellently acted and excellently told.

Enjoy!

The Chronicles of New York Prt 1

There is no City like New York, being there during the holidays is magical, the Big Apple works for me in many ways, people mind there business, the nightlife still kicks, even though they are closing Clubs left and right, that’s kind of Sad heck only in the Midwest would I have seen such disregard for those of us who want to live the Night life, those of us who want to boogie... and I'm done.

The hustle of this Urban Jungle soothes my soul and since my Anger Management course, I have really learned to take in things that I usually just would piss on.

I arrived into town about 6:30ish after waiting patiently for my luggage and taking probably the longest piss in the history of man I forgot to turn my phone on, which as we all know is imperative, but I didn't feel like I had to Mark was picking me up I grew up with this guy and he is one of my best friends, Mark above all else is Never late for anything. And I mean anything, so I was confident in him being there actually come to think of it in the 10 plus times I have visited and those times when he picks me up he has never been late, so no need for drama but in life. There’s always a first time for everything.

Five minutes then 10 eventually 20 went by and actually I was fine with waiting cause I was having a beer so I really didn't care, I haven't been this relaxed in a while so I was cool, but I decided to turn the phone on and low and behold 5 missed messages oops.

It was Trina, Marks wife she let me know that they were not going to be in town, she won some raffle at work and they left for Cancun, while I was in the air the good news is I could still stay at there place (nice) but I would be staying with her friends Terrance and Kecia who also got ditched.

I had no idea who these people are or what there like but now I had to get off my hump and find these folks I called the number that Trina left for my new roommates what I realized is that I had been at the Airport for an 3 hours and in that whole time of me landing, getting my luggage, taking the longest piss in the history of man, and having a beer not one call from Terrance or Kecia.

THE BATTLE IS ON!!!

The battle for the Dominance of tomorrow begins today!!

…or at least the apathy of tomorrow. Apathy, I think, is more or less our future (take that Whitney Houston!).

Regardless, in a rather brash sense of nationalism (or cityism) this website is going on record to challenge the evil doers [booooooooooooo] of 10lees Inc. [booooooooooo!] to a simple game of chance over the upcoming sporting match between the Chicago Bears [loud rejoicing & much merry making] and their playoff opponents the Seattle Seahawks [hisssssssss].

Now Coitusers you may know I have gone on record, in the past, against the National Football League. Calling them, and I will have to quote myself here, cheap charlatans and peddlers of promotional tools for overweight Americans. Not something that this website likes to idly stand by and watch our fair nation oppressed with.

I have made a commitment to you, dear readers, to write an article every day for the entire year of 2007, an oath that I do not take lightly. What I’m asking of 10lee’s Inc [BOOOOOOO] is that she will either write a note of apology on her website for ever supporting the Seattle Seahawks OR (and this is much better) cover my shifts here on the website with the interesting aspects of her life for… I don’t know, several days or something… (the details are still being ironed out).

Naturally enough this article will cause a bit of a stir amongst our readers. Already the BMC office is up in arms and the dead zombie of Harmon (he actually did die after his nasty spill from the top of that table, but Balddee2 has since brought him back through some sort of voodoo thing. I chastised both accordingly for being privy to the Devil’s handiwork) is clanging around, angered that this website would go on record as supporting the Bears. But fear not for me friends, Zombies as we all know are afeared of fire and I will use this to keep Harmon at bay.

Much Love

Your friend Muley

Where We've Been: Best 2006

Now that 2006 has finally come and gone it is time for us to take stock of the past year and what we left behind. Not through any of our own opinions, of course, or barely through our own opinions but more through those that others force upon us.

Pictures frequently capture the spirit of the year. Pictures are a difficult medium inflicting more immediate emotions than perhaps rational thought; letting interpretation of the viewer gauge the moment rather than rationality. Still, here are the top pictures of 2006.

There is, in many ways, too much news that exists in the world. Here are the top ten news stories that seemed to have slipped through the cracks.

The human body, when trained and tuned for excellence, has no peer. To run a sub four minute mile, to launch and seperate from the earth and over a bar of an impossible height, to rise above a game and those that have played it before and hold the world in your hand. The top pictures of the year in sports.

Every year we lose more and more opinion cartoonists as our papers lose more and more opinion pages. Papers like the St. Paul Pioneer Press that reduce their Opinion pages to the local section and replace their Opinion with the latest celebrity news should be branded as the local trash that they are. And then they wonder why the printed press fails. Here are the top political cartoons of the past year.

Bad Mother Coitus's Albums of the Year!!!

as dictated by mule

3. The Greatest by Cat Power

2. Show Your Bones by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

1. Boys + Girls in America by The Hold Steady

Albums that I wished i would've listened to but have not listened to yet:

Alright Still by Lily Allen

Lupe Fiasco's Food and Liquor by Lupe Fiasco

And

The Correct Bestest Movies of the Year!!!

4. The Departed

3. Thank You for Smoking

2. A Scanner Darkly

1. Casino Royale

Movies that I wished I would've watched but have not yet viewed:

Little Miss Sunshine

This Film is Not Yet Rated

Death of a President

And one more time. For your reading pleasure. The best website that we read all year. The Legend... of the Blood Ninja...

Thursdays in January cos Joni Mitchell never lies...

In an effort to both increase my own ability to write as well as give you, the readers the necessary portions of me that you deserve I've made a resolution, nay promise, to write on the blog everyday of the week for the entire year.

Thus far I'm one for two--
Thus far I'm one for three

Does this mean that you're going to miss out on all the great articles from Harmon, Balddee and the Doctor? No! Does this mean that you get more of the Muley Mule Mule Mule... Yes! Will this work beyond today? Probably Not!

More or less this ongoing, hard hitting series is not only to document the World of Mule but will also document a new concept that Harm and I will be working on in the upcoming few months. For our loyal readers this provides privy beyond what is being extended to the local media. This is not only a look inside the ongoing creative process but also ongoing access to all of the points of my life that I choose to share! All this available to you... the dear reader...

For instance, an entry might be as consuming as these thematic, re-occurring events:

I: Me reading a book

II: My complete and all incorporating hatred of the Brown Line

III: My official Mule drink of the Day

IV: Procrastination towards writing
a: Top Chef
b: an absolute 'need' to go meet somebody at this one bar that needs to be gone to
c: tv
d: sleep
e: staring blindly at the wall and dreaming of way out

V: Unmitigated belief system in paranoia that I am constantly surrounded by people

VI: My complete and all incorporating hatred of the Brown Line

Yes, dear readers, we are bonded together for the next 12 months... It's going to be quite the voyage; let's try to make the best of it.

Big Apple Chronicles !!!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwanza and Happy New Year !!!

Now that I have that out of the way, many have asked where I have been I could lie and tell you some fabricated story or ...... I can tell you the truth which is even more unbelievable .

I have been in New York for the past several weeks doing some serious hanging out with some serious folks who cant let go of the past so coming soon the Balldee Returns the Big Apple Chronicles .

I'm going to unpack .

Where We've Been

Coitusers!

What better way is there to start off the religious end of the year than to explain the history of religion in 90 seconds…



Since Christmas belongs to the retail world I couldn’t think of a finer way to explain it than from the retail perspective. B has been a frequent critic of this website since she first learned how to read/type/use a computer… here are her erstwhile comments on Christmas.

There is no reason that we shouldn’t be afraid of the world, but there is also no reason that we shouldn’t pause and gasp in her beauty. Ernest Hemmingway said that the world is a fine place and worth fighting for. Perhaps these pictures of her awesome power will make the foolish believe.

When is the right time to tell children that Santa doesn’t exist? On school district takes it upon themselves to dispel the rumors.

It’s difficult to continue to put these websites up because it seems like subjects we already know. In a way, yes, we’re raking the administration over the coals for the sins that have been commited and kicking a horse that is already dead. But a complete wall defense of ineptitude is no reason for us not to continue to criticize. This article is about what has been covered up by this Administration and what continues not to be talked about.

I respect and encourage the other side other side of the story to bring information tohttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif light when it comes to these articles; especially in light of the fact that our President has said that his presidency will not be remembered in this lifetime. I always encourage evidence and testimony that would encourage belief, however I don't want to sit idly by.

These lists always piss me off. Mostly because I’m ego centric enough to believe that I don’t need to be told what beauty is. I have been to four percent of the places on this list but wouldn’t consider any of them the most wonderful places I have seen. All these lists do is seek to inspire a desire for what one doesn’t have and instill either validation in the hearts of ones who have seen them or else advertisement for those that will seek them out.

Space… the final frontier. As a younger human I dreamed of what it would take to rescue me from this rock, now as an adult I find it fascinating what it would actually take to physically remove us from it. While I find it slightly depressing that we need to move towards the private sector in Space Flight I also applaud them for thinking this far outside of the box as well as rewarding them for doing something this interesting.

This is actually Balddee…

Thoughts and Considerations... For Christmas

I think a good Christmas present for the world would be for Santa to kill off all of the illusionists and magicians.

Since Santa Claus only works once a year does he collect welfare the rest of the time? If so, should Santa Claus be considered a bum?

Why is it that it is only at this time of year that we all sing for Peace on Earth and goodwill to men?

A good idea for a business would be a shipping company that would sell broken boxes and take the blame for gifts arriving late. This is like the ultimate company for men; we care we just forget… sorta…

It is a little known fact that the Santa’s Reindeers were actually supposed to be horses. However Mr. Ed, representing the Horses Union, sued the Santa Claus Foundation (in SCF v Equine) as the horses believed that they deserved the day off. Horses, to this day, still rue that decision and now consider Mr. Ed a bovine and he has lost all his Horsey privileges’.

I wonder if the little baby Jesus is still pissed for being given a funeral fragrance as one of his first birthday presents.

For every one Rudolph that wasn’t allowed in Reindeer Games there are ten elves not allowed in elven games.

I believe I speak of the world by negotiating with Touchstone Pictures: No more Christmas if they’d be willing to say: No more Santa Clauses.

It’s a little known fact that Johan Santana is actually Santa Claus. Think of it have you ever seen the two of them in the same place?

Brad Radke... you will be missed!

Merry Christmas everybody!

The Holiday Wrap-Up

Dear Loyal Coitusers,

2006 has been a very interesting year for us down at the BMC Headquarters! Many new experiments were conducted, some articles were written, a few members were kicked off, and a few were hired on. All-in-all, we're no worse for the wear, and ready to sip some good ol egg nog (with rum) and sing with Bing.

Balddee has really come into himself this year. Despite the pressures and anxieties of his newest familial addition, he pursued the truth in all settings: from the blog format, to email questionnaires, to a "mis-hap" with Harmon. Filling us in with sage advice on the ladies and Battlestar Galactica has given him a sense of self - a "nerdarie" if you will - that brings a tear to my eye. It's been so fun watching him excel!

Satchel & Bel are happily mooning about the place, staring longingly into each other's eyes for the root of their souls. It's inspirational and creepy all at once, but the raw-ness of it definitely BMC quality, so we let them stick around (as long as they keep bringing those amazing peanut butter cookies).

A shifting of the home ground rattled up Mule for a bit there, and caused our great disaster of a Team Building week. We have all forgiven him for the "episode" that caused our rift, and we feel that the BMC team has actually learned something from our escapade (aka kidnapping). Mule is finally setting to that grand music blog whose fruition is overripe. So please join me in a round of applause for Mule's brave excursion into the field of musicology! Good luck, you arse!

Ellen is missing again. Please say a special prayer for our littlest member. When last we heard, she was hiking in Oregon, seeking a mountain-top yogi for inspiration and guidance.

And Todd has had a very interesting year. He's been... gratuitously horney inventive in his sexual hopeful escapades endeavors. Currently, he's pursuing the dream of the spiritually enlightened with tantric sexual practices meditation. We all wish him the best of luck for 2007!

Our little Harmy really struggled in 2006. What with the table-top incident, the subsequent firing, re-hire, rift and fall, he's a bit worse for the wear. We've all rallied around our Packer fan and we hope to see some amazing things from the bugger in the New Year. His aspiration is a movie blog, that will co-exist with Mule's music blog (please visit side bar for links). Good luck, Harmon!

And what of dr g? I’ve been enjoying the antics of my teammates from a nice arms length. I sit writing this in my own padded library cubicle, where i can submit articles at my own leisure. I am free to roam the web, and to listen to as much public radio as i can handle. It's a glorious life, people.

And so, dear readers, ends the mighty year of two-thousand and six. We hope that our blog here has inspired you to be the best little coituser you possibly can be! Good luck in '07, folks!

With love and kisses,
All of us at the BMC

Where We've Been

Coitusers!

Frequent shepherd of the good ship Mother Coitus, 10lees, put up this incredibly informative website that is all about everybody’s ego centric favorite character. For the record I scored 100% on all of them (some of the answers have yet to be found). Correctly scored your answers should tally 7/8 on the science test, 75% of Life Experienced (take that 10lees), Italian and basically 100% General American speaker with large leanings towards the upper Midwest.

I don’t know why I consider Meerkat Manor to be the finest reality television show on TV. But for some reason when animals evolve or at least show personality I find it interesting. I think I need new friends.

This is a grave offense that our administration is forcing upon our country. How, being of sober rationalities, is a you're either with us or against us policy for the worlds most powerful country? In this article Assistant Secretary of State says that the Bush administration will deal with Cuba's Communist government only when it shows a commitment to democracy. The tighter that we grip our hands the more opportunities slip through our hands. Ignoring a problem does not a solution make.

There are few debates more precious to this country than her debates over the merits of superheroes. Finally, the good folks Comicvine have made a database for all of our favourite comic superheroes along with how they statistically match up against the rest of the comic world. Of special interest is their forums page where the world of comics is discussed. Let Nerdome Reign! So say we all.

I don’t know if this demonstrates the grandiose failings of humanity or if there is still good out there. Regardless, Craigslist, you’ve done the world a fine service.

Bad Mother Coitus has long been a friend of Science and now, thanks to Tom Dickson we finally have a scientist that we are capable of understanding. Sure he might be the sixth or seven person sued for stealing Gallagher’s act. Nonetheless we do love destruction.

Ahhh my little Coitusers the definition of Irony.

Government Embraces Corporate Underwriting

In his first real act as Secretary of Defense Robert M. Gates announced that he will accept corporate underwriting for the military. Sighting the rising cost of the war in Iraq, Afghanistan, on terror and everywhere else there is a grand need for more revenue that might be pumped into the great war machine.

What does this mean to the American country and the American fighting forces? It means now instead of having Easy Company in the 101st Airborne you will have Easy Jet Company, who bring you great discounted flights and will not be undersold by their competitors. Instead of the Green Berets you will now have the Green Giant Frozen Food Fighting Force.

The actual money and size of the logo is still in negotiations though renaming the Army after the Target corporation has been estimated in the billions.

President George W. Bush, when questioned responded to the idea of underwriting by saying “I think Gatesy is doing a heckuva job. It’s good for the American people. The symbology of an American corporate logo on the sleeve of our fine men and women fighting forces not only brings pride to them but a rememberamance of home. It also is good for our generous corporate sponsors who are doing the right thing in supporting our men in women in the armed forces and spreading the good news about their corporation.”

Ben “Tripper” Bailey, the BMC’s pundit in Washington, was quoted as asking “If this corporate re-branding of our troops does bring about the corporate pride that the government is hoping for, where will this end? How long will it be until the power goes to the company’s head and you have a local girl at Quizznos lobbing a grenade at the boy returning suppressing fire from Potbelly’s? I guess if Subway spokesman Jared takes a grenade to the head it would make it worthwhile but think of it. The madness?”

Call concerning wars and corporate sponsoring have not been returned from the oil companys.

call me cheap

but when i see free food, no matter how stuffed i am, i will force it down. perhaps it was all those suppertime parental lectures about not leaving broccoli on my plate, but when it comes to leftovers, treats and the good ol' continental breakfast, i must eat as much as possible.

this morning i walked into our office and they had a beautiful continental breakfast laid out for all building residents. silver carafes of REAL coffee, danishes galore, and hell, even strawberry cream cheese. i had already enjoyed a hearty breakfast of peanut butter on pancakes and a large cup of joe around 8am. but the full tummy did not stop me from rushing the bagel tray and bumping elbows with the media tech department at the coffee table.

so here i sit, with uneaten plate of food at my desk. the coffee really is fabulous. side note: i struggle with craptastic coffee. i refuse to drink that pre-packaged, 8 O'Clock brand brewed at 7am by sylvia the taste-bud-less exec admin. when i get in at 9:30, that coffee is as skunky as if pepe le pew coaxed the machine himself. anyway, i digress...

call me cheap, but the free food is what i live for. i have gotten a few raised eyebrows in my life. some directed at my frugalness, some at my choice to reverse commute to work. but i think, if you put two and two together, you get to work at a company that cares enough about it's employees to provide the occasional festive free meal.

a token of our esteem for you! eat, santa... eat!!!

Where We've Been

Coitusers!

Earlier this week The Baker Report recommended peace keeping forces be removed from Iraq. Meanwhile speculation reigned that President Bush would wait to make a definitive time table not only to try to show his confidence in the new formed Iraqi government but also to shift blame from himself and his administration should things go wrong. The UK based Telegraph has this interesting article depicting the two sides in the region, the Sunni-Muslims and the Shia. Making this worse is this chilling quote from Mohsen Rezai, the secretary general of Iranian Expediency Council.

"America destroyed all our enemies in the region. It destroyed the Taliban. It destroyed Saddam Hussein… The Americans got so stuck in the soil of Iraq and Afghanistan that if they manage to drag themselves back to Washington in one piece, they should thank God. America presents us with an opportunity rather than a threat — not because it intended to, but because it miscalculated. They made many mistakes".

But who are we to listen to the actual people that are about to fight over Iraq when we have Bill O’Reilly who knows for a fact that, "[T]he American media is not helping anyone by oversimplifying the situation and rooting for the USA to lose in Iraq."

But Bill O'Reilly isn't the world's only xenophobe. Regardless, here is an excellent website depicting actual English translations that made it into Hong Kong movies. I think I like number 21 the most but number 11 is tempting.

Ah, it is Christmas time. A time to spend time with loved ones; a time to burn through savings accounts like money is of no consequence. But relax, dear reader, it doesn’t make a difference anyhow when two percent of the population has half of the worlds wealth and
“net assets [that’s not savings dear readers] of $2,200 per adult would put a household in the top half of the world wealth distribution.”

Furthering the Christmas spirit an area boy in South Carolina is arrested for opening up his Christmas present early. According to local sources this “Way ups parents street cred across the nation.”

But if you work for Wal-Mart doesn’t Christmas come all year round? After Wal-Mart passed new regulations where it largely cut down it’s full time work force to part time and working for lower wages they pass this morale booster! I honestly wonder what the t-shirt looks like for working there for 20 years.

Last and certainly not least… the trailer for Who Killed the Electric Car…

Diary From the Edge of the Bar… Or For Craig Finn

Smoke peels off the bar in thick strips of conversation. The enamel of thought is left bare in an empty glass of whisky the guy in a studded leather jacket left; he’s the one who should've been the most intelligent one in class but who drops a quarter towards the motion of some local teeny pop band.

Sitting in the Clash there is little left to absorb on a Tuesday night, but there is everything to be had, everything to be gained. The soft wager of another night of an enlarged liver and a child drawing in black against a picture of your lungs are gambled against sit-coms and a micro beers enjoyed in moderation. If there is a Costello’s than this is the only bar that really matters.

The best conversations in the world roll off the tongue in nicotine kisses. An idea, thought by many as rotund, is offered up as the word of God to believers. Questions with no dignity are drawn, quartered and marked, considered and answered in the premium that only a Grain Belt can answer. Hamms steps in as Mother Mary.

Will, you bastard, you always promised me that this stupid world was a stage but what more hope could there be than this thrust theater that’s been thrown at me? What more need be than these belly’s that thrown their silver at a horseshoe bar on the Northside? What more redemption is owed to those blessed with the gift of thought than the therapy administered by the simple servings of a degenerate armed with a public radio degree and a means of a mind cooling liquid?

Yes, mirror… this is me. I am looking at us now. I know who you are. I am the one that does this to us.

Yes, this is it. Fuck… this is it…

Holiday 2006: Back to the Basics!

remember the good days, back when you owned red footie pj's and bounced out of bed at 5am to see what santa left you under the tree? remember shaking each package, and counting the number of presents you got vs. the number your siblings got? it was pure joy, folks. innocent, child-like joy.

where did that joy go? ... i ask myself as i peruse the 8th tshirt website. i used to love the holiday season. i thrived on the advent calendars (bonus if they had little boxes w/ chocolates in them), the garland, tree shopping, light untangling (little fingers are perfect for it, if you dont care about minor shocks along the way, which only builds character, as my dad told me) and anticipation of christmas morning.

for gifts, back in the day, all you had to do was attend your school class' holiday craft day and squish your fingers into clay for a pinch pot, or squish your hands and feet into non-toxic paint and make prints that would, in turn, get framed with popsicle sticks. mom and dad could not have been happier or more surprised!! all that oo-ing and ah-ing... oh the joy!

i ponder exactly this crafty innocence while searching through the 100 entries for "kitchen-aid, anything" at Kohls.com. maybe this year i should avoid the headache of hours wasted in front of screen. maybe this year i can save my aching back the marathon mall walks. maybe this year, i will make hand prints on newsprint, frame them in glittery popsicle sticks and proudly beam as my friends and familly open the package.

oh, what glorious joy will fill us all! now, what would i need.... recycled newsprint paper, popsicle sticks (that means i should go buy popsicles), glitter glue, regular glue, non-toxic paint in festive colors, a plastic bin and my favorite: a smock. i can feel it already!!! the joy is happening! its almost here!

Where We've Been

Coitusers!

The new music website from Bad Mother Coitus is now available for viewing pleasure. In a way it turned into my Chinese Democracy and in a way it still isn’t completely done. If you are unfortunate enough to be operating on either Explorer or Safari you’re not going to see the entire website but… well hopefully it still delivers something.

Further proof that our schools are not in a happy place. It appalls me that our government continues to cut taxes so that we need corporate spending to make up for the losses. The further fact that these special interest groups our able to then influence what and the method that our children learn is despicable.

It’s Chris Matthews so it does take a little to get into it, but it is also an interesting thought. In this piece they make the argument that the next individual to leave Bush's political ensamble will be vice President Dick Cheney. I do believe, and now can’t find any proof to back it up, that the Vice President of a two term President has always run for the office of Presidency in the next election. Cheney probably has limited interest or little support in winning the Presidency but it could be interesting to see whom Bush would replace Cheney with. It would be interesting to see if he tries to save his legacy by appointing the first woman to that office and that woman is Condoleeza Rice.

How do we make ourselves feel better about our government? By drafting our own Fantasy Congress, of course. Frequent reader and pundit of Bad Mother Coitus, Jebus Gurl was kind enough to pass this little peice of awesomness along to me. In your new Fantasy Congress league you draft congress people and then score points with their winning. Seriously, if there is enough interest in this I will draw up a Bad Mother Coitus league.

I don’t know if this is proof that we should have faith in the world and that there is still good out there or if humanity finally has too much time on their hands. A good buddy of mine and I actually shared this dream but instead of capitols we wanted to do it with pizza places. We began that dream on and around the Cathedral Hill and Grand Ave area’s of St. Paul and that is also where the dream ended in sickness. Of course this is also the same individual that is competing with me for who will die of a heart attack first...

Because if that isn’t proof that humanity has too much time on their hands this certainly will.



The proof, dear readers, is in the pudding that the end of the world is upon us. In a small town in Colorado a home owners association and a resident of the sub-division spar over the appropriateness of a Peace sign that has been hung up. A sign that the evil doers are winning or maybe the world is coming to an end.

And finally Coitusers we have Miss Patti Labelle. I really don’t know what disgusts me the most about this: the fact that she is touring mega-churches, the fact that she is touring mega churches and being sponsored by Chrysler or the fact that Patti Labelle is touring mega churches sponsored by Chrysler and all parishioners will be given the opportunity to purchase a Chrysler at the ending of the service in the church’s parking lot. Seriously, Jesus where are you and where is your bullwhip?

We Have Been Gone... and we feel terrible about it

Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re back. Apologies as always to everybody concerned for the delay in the daily articles. We are, of course, embarrassed by all of the happenings, though we do feel much better since the completion of our Customer Service week. The only person that was really hampered by it was Harmon, poor bastard.

One of the speakers, in an attempt to show us what unity is or was or whatever I wasn’t really paying attention, had us doing this thing called a “Trust Fall”. Now in this “Trust Fall” people are supposed to stand in a semi-circle and an individual (Harmon) stands on top of a desk, or elevated level surface, and then the dumbass (Harmon) is supposed to fall backwards and apparently we are all supposed to catch him.

So Harmon fell and there wasn’t any padding or anything so… yes, I’m sure it probably hurt. The art chic concrete floor that we have here at the BMC is not all that forgiving, but Harmon is in a good place now.

No, sorry, not dead. Not yet at least.

He should be coming out of this coma any day now. The only difficult piece is that he only has our corporate health care plan with the savings account thingy that nobody can really understand. So we had to put him in more of a morally ambiguous hospital that may or may not be the basement of the local Day’s Inn. Not that he probably really needs a hospital. I mean for heaven’s sakes he’s just sleeping. I’ve had plenty of hangovers that are far worse than what he is going through.

So the BMC staff was ready to have a little bit of time away from one another and what’s the best way to do this when you work for the cat dropping salary that we are paid? Why you create a Second Life avatar of course (in hind sight, yes we should've joined World of Warcraft).

The process of creating a character then refining the character and then acclimating yourself to the world is quite time consuming. Furthermore is the damning evidence that once you’re in the world of Second Life you need to talk to people, which is the entire reason that I created myself to avoid.

There is, unfortunately, no smiting button within the game. In fact it all works in a queer science fiction like realty where there is no pollution and everybody lives harmoniously. Baldee was the first casualty though he has not been aware of the fact that you could not kill yourself. Gonzo tried to cruise for guys but then realized that you had to spend real money in order to buy them the virtual things they want in the game. Me, I got kicked out. Apparently the makers of the game tend to frown upon those of us who have a language repertoire that involves “shit” or “cum dumpster”.

Seriously, why can't I be the one in the coma?

Buy Now!!!!

The human race has been blessed by Brahmagupta who gave us zero and the negative numbers, Thoth who gave us the ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics, and the Easter Elchies House who continue to give us Macallan whisky… the only whisky that really matters. And now… the next in this Pantheon…

Yes my dear friends how often do you find yourself wondering if you should eat that last piece of pie, wagering that if you worked out later perhaps you could have it? How often do you come home from work and feel tired, realizing that you have put eight hours of your life and soul into your place of employment that you hate and depressed by the fact that tomorrow only brings another day of it? How often are you tired when you come home from work and don't feel like you want to work out?

But what if there was more to life than just that? What if one part of your life could be accounted for by knowing that… it didn’t need to be accounted for?

Yes friends I speak of the mystery and glory that is… the un-opened gym. For the low fee of just $25 dollars a month you have the opportunity to become part of the newest rara avis that is sweeping our fair country. The Holiday's are right around the corner and you know what that means... MORE FOOD! What could be easier than having a little turkey or extra pumpkin pie with whipping cream when you could promise yourself that you would work out… if you could?

Our promise to you is advertisements all over town, to erect buildings that stand with the promise of occupation by large, complicated machinery designed to do something more complicated than the human would ever be capable of comprehending or performing. To give you the freedom of telling your friends, your loved ones, yourself that you will be going to the gym just as soon as humanly possible. As soon as that bloody, sod of a gym opens.

It is the beginning of a new year and resolutions must be made… why not find one for yourself that is keepable?

martha? is that you?

so i'm obsessed with tupperware. its everywhere. in my cube at work, in my drawers at home, on the floor of my car, even in my purse. little square containers that hold graham crackers. big round containers for soup. sandwich holders, m&m boxes, you name it!

i find it soothing to plop leftover stuffing into the appropriate sized container and snap on the lid. i realize this is a tad OCD, but when i dont have the right size at hand, i will wash a dirty, more apt storage device, even if it is crusted over. how joyful i become when i look into my fridge and see the shining rows of food - glowing away in their dull milky facades.

of course, i always store the biggest ones on the bottom. whether it's clean containers being put away in the cupboard or fresh and full containers placed in the fridge, bulky goes on the bottom! it's a mantra of sorts. a calculated methodology, if you will.

for that reason, thanksgiving is my favorite holiday! so many beautiful leftovers to box up and send off with people in nice, even layers. so many ways to use my brand new seasonal tupperware (bought on special at the container store in hues of red and green). i expect this year will be the topper of my tupperware tittering. they say alliteration is gratuitous, but they also say tupperware is gratuitous, and how i disagree!

this year, grandma bought the normal sized turkey, prepared the normal amount of stuffing and cranberry sauce and pirogies... and this year, almost everyone canceled. and so the 30 lb bird will be cut up into equal parts and distributed to the remaining family members for home consumption. a great task for any human! but i welcome this challenge! yes, i shall stuff my face along with everyone else. yes, i shall watch football and rub my belly. and yes, i shall help divvy up all thanksgiving accoutrements accordingly.

and when it's time to bid farewell, i shall ask, would you like red or green?! happy holiday!

The Schedule

Acquire foods for Thanksgiving dinner.

Try to talk wife out of buying "chargers" for the dinner plates. Do this because until recently did not know what a "charager" was and now that I know I do not want to spend $75 on them.

Help wife set out the china so she can plan how Thanksgiving will go over at the Harmon Household.

Much consternation over the lack of a gravy boat. Must find new and creative way to store gravy in an attractive manner.

Acquire silver polish. Do think of the work created by having tarnished silver and silver polish in the same place at the same time.

Re-stock liquor cabinet with good rum (Flor de Cana) and better scotch (Glenmorangie 12 year). Buy some egg nog just so I have an excuse to try the rum.

Laugh vigorously every time I ask the wife for a little Nog.

Do impression of a Chuck E. Cheese bandmember so that the wife can laugh. Strongly consider which song will be the best if forced, in a drunken state, to do the Chuck E. Cheese bandmember impression in front of people other than my wife.

Burn some cd's for my wife, my co-workers and myself so that I don't have to listen to these people say they're bored with music.

Listen to "boys and girls in america" by the Hold Steady again. Man it's fucking good. Listen to "separation sunday" by the Hold Steady because, much like watching Batman Begins and wanting to know how such a force could be created, I have to look back at their previous albums to see them discover their powers.

Make sure the house is spotless so that when I spend way too much time at a friend's house playing video games the wife will not have to be sitting at home alone AND cleaning up after Harmy. Which leads to phone calls and much disruption.

Must purchase some bad port wine and drink it with my father on Thanksgiving, because that's what life's about.

Response :to How to please My Lady

Survey says: Give her Your Credit Card!!!

This is a serious topic near and dear to my heart, Balddee loves to hear the lamentations of the women but I digress at first I wanted to just put a lot of points like #1 tickle her ass with a feather ect, but as with anything training yourself is the first step, my first question to you is "Are you sure your not pleasing her”?
Have you talked to her about what gets her off the problem with us (Men) is that we are trained to think that as long as your thrusting her insides out, your doing the job and sadly that isn't the case it's not even part of the solution.

Whaaatt t dats crazy talk.

Well lets say your above average in size you may be hurting her and not pleasing her, talking to her about what she likes helps and also gives you an idea of what you can do to help the situation plus what pleases you, are you some over achiever?
Are you so into the Porn orgasm that you’re not in tune to what is going on in your own bedroom?
There are certain things you can do, I am a firm believer in conditioning oneself into a fighter in this case you want to be a sexual one can you dance?
I ask this because knowing how to move your body especially your hips helps a lot especially if your small and there's no shame in it, just don't say stupid things like "Who's your daddy “ or Am I wrecking you Honey am I wrecking you " saying those things when you are small or if you just are a lame missionary man is pathetic so forget the porn style ramming and think selfless lover instead.

There's the old know your prey mentality if you don't know where the special parts are maybe it's time to slow down and first read a book especially one with pictures so you have an understanding of where the target is and I don't mean the vagina you cant be a big game hunter if you don't understand what your hunting.

The clit needs to be your friend Master the Clit you Master the Universe.

That is the key to victory and yes I said victory slow down your approach and work on the Foreplay yeah it's redundant, you’ve heard it a millions times but really it's the best way to provide her with the best overall experience. Imagine if you get her going and more importantly get her off several times before you even begin to think about penetration then you my friend have arrived, there is nothing better then seeing a women orgasm, to feel her body tighten and shake, to hear her breathing change as it gets faster and deeper and yes even deeper to see her taunt breast tremble ever so tenderly, to kiss her lips as they get cold from the wetness of her saliva, reel in the joy, as she looses herself to the sensation, to feel her soft yet firm thighs relax and release on your shoulders sorry ..

You will notice I didn't ask if you shot the sheriffs to soon or if your Pipe isn’t up to code those are situations that are difficult to solve well at least the second is if your a quick shoot, there are squeeze techniques that you can practice to hold off it will take some time and if rod manipulation isn't your bad well my friend get over it. Jerk that pole and recondition yourself. Yoga is a great way to help with this stretching and breathing control act . But if you rocking 3 inches Hard!
Public Enemy comes to mind " I can’t do nothing for ya man "

I really would like to help you so if there is a specific thing you are having problem with let me know then we can really try to solve the problem good luck and happy stroking.

They

The blinds closed and I want to sleep. They’re talking. They keep talking. Talking. Talking. Talking. I don’t care.

They have put images up around the office. Feel good comic strips that show me why I should care. The feel good people in the images say that this is something that I should want. That I should want this in order to better me: better me in the company, better my career or better my life.

They feed us into a hall like cattle. The high point is a day away from my computer, away from my thinking about my job; I don’t need to think about my job. They put fun things on the table. They want us to play with these things, to be creative with them but ultimately realize we are not supposed to pay attention to.

We put things up on the wall. They ask us to write what we think about the company. So we write. They gently correct us, No not what you think about the company what you think the company should think about you. We scratch over and draw again. They shake their heads again a slight smile breaking through, No, not that… there should be more positive comments, maybe a nice comment about your bosses…

They fire the girl next to me who stood up and said that all of this is bullshit. She put it a lot more eloquently than that. They fired her a lot more eloquently than what we heard.

They reiterate to us that this is important. They tell us that this is good for everybody and that the most important person is us. They ask us what message we received from our training. They challenge us to retain the lingo and the diversity of the message. Another guy is fired because he doesn’t know what was said in the message. Another nameless temp is hired to replace him at half the price.

And in my head I tick off the dollars of this customer service project. Because I am not really We or They or even Them I know the costs. I know what we spent on this and what could’ve been reinvested in the company towards their employees. In my head I question what was gained by being away from work for the entire day, by us abandoning our customers versus… this…

They draw a line on a board. This line begins at a low part and squiggles in dramatic ups and downs before resting on the up and up. They give me two post it notes and ask me to put them on the board. One post it note is to indicate where I felt I was before the Customer Service Training, the other to indicate after. The journey of my contemporaries already dot the board.

I’m tired. So tired. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t know what I don’t want to wake up from. I hold two post it notes. Neither of them matter to me. They care. I know what I should do. But why?

the first 18 hours

resisting was futile. we were to become a team whether we wanted to or not. together, blindfolded. together, shoved on a shortbus. together, lead kindergarten-style into an undisclosed hotel room. you can tie our hands together, make us wear each other's clothes and even (lord help us) sleep next to each other, but you cant, that's CAN-NOT, folks, force me to let Todd hump my leg. that is NOT, in my humble opinion, a positive team-building experience.

piled into the two rooms with the blinds closed and the in-between safety/fire door propped open, it became apparent that at least 50% of us had not showered in the last few days. Simon #1 remedied this by exiting the room. close on his heels was Simon #2 promising towels and soap. this was about when i realized how bare bones our abode was. i was sitting on a cot with white sheets shelacked in place. so was harmon. so was balddee, mule and ellen. todd hovered over marjorie who was sitting in a desk chair backwards, legs splayed. the chair seemed to be the only other thing in the room besides sterile beds, smelly people and white walls.

it did occur to me that we may have been placed in an asylum. i was confused as to why i was included in this mass raid. i dont think we'll be given answers any time soon.

the following events occured last night. i have only now opened my eyes to the day, scared to do more than paraphrase as the Simons are coming back and have promised macreme, trust falls, motivational speeches and jello.

contraband flasks were passed. contents not available for disclosure.

mule donned the french maid costume

marjorie demonstrated her rage on balddee's ego

todd [humped] - edited for discresion

harmon stood idly by... and yet participated

the temperature rose... and fell... and rose again

a lightbulb was broken

the bathroom door stayed locked for over an hour. head count in room: 4

mule played the part of the Professor and hooked up the curtain rod with a paperclip to his iPod and managed to magnify the sound using only a complementary plastic cup.

the music blog was born.

Balddee cant Wait to vote

The world is a shallow place, full of people who would rather see others suffer for there own gain no matter what .
The basic needs of our society are tossed to the side the old shell-game is displayed mercilessly, in television ads, all across the country every excuse is used to blame the other side for the fall of the country when they both profit from the chaos.
We live in a communist society we have been for years but it's real obvious now, false words and the bravado of Democracy, hypocrisy and denial rule the day.
Fear of other Races, Sexual Preferences and Religions have finally begun to surface, the false melting pot mentality that this country has always been has finally begun to show true to the rest of the world but we all don't see it.

To have a different point of view on any of the major topics of the day are strictly forbidden, your told what stance to have on anything I'm wrong, pick your News station or Radio Shock talk analyst and then correct me, the Nation that thrives on Assimilation is being challenged to have your own opinion is dangerous, to feel differently about a cause is incorrect, but we hate Dictatorships.

Go and vote

Growth

We're all gathered here today for the big announcement from upper management. I don't even know who they are, half the guys on the board of directors look like the uglier Simon of Simon & Simon fame. I'm mesmerized by the combined power of their mustaches. This may be less than coherent due to my infatuation with really shitty facial hair.

Anyway, like I said, we're all here in the conference room. It's got a nice view of Coitus Lake (one of the less popular of Minnesota's revered 10,000). Satchel and Bel are looking dreamily off onto the horizon and just smiling at each other. Get a room! Or wait, are they brother and sister? Who hired them again? Bel's kinda hot.

Mule, being the jackass that he is, has his Chuck Taylor's up on the table. Ellen is wearing a French maid's outfit but she's been refusing to clean for the last week and she's totally ruining the whole French maid vibe. Where's the inappropriate feather dusting? She's training in the new girl, Marjorie, who so far as I can tell is a militant lesbian. I don't think French maid outfits are supposed to come with camo stockings but it's not hot. It's the opposite of hot. Which fucking sucks. I thought we specified in the application that sexy lesbians were okay but not angry militant ones. I'm okay with people being indifferent to my penis but c'mon, don't hate the guy. Also, Marjorie has a horrible lisp.

Todd Dancer looks like an old horse. As my grandma used to say he's been rode hard and put away wet. I think he just shaved in the bathroom. His chest. Shaved his chest.

Baldee and Dr. Gonz are chattering about some social issue or something. It's cute how they care. I don't know. Why are we here? Whatever happened to Remo? I think the board members are gonna talk.

Yep, Simon #1 just confirmed what we all knew was coming. We have a growth problem. Later this week The BMC will be adding a few new websites to the mix. Dealing with Music and Movies and possibly books or something. Watch for more info. We're just setting it up now. Here's what Simon #2 just said.

Simon #2: With the exciting new growth this quarter we're looking for you to be more consistent as a workforce. We feel like there isn't a lot of trust between you. This is evidenced by the recent ripping on Harmon in polls and the comments. We can't grow if we're not a team.

Todd Dancer: I'll show you growing, c'mere Ellen!

Marjorie: That ith groth!

Todd Dancer: If you're lyin' you're dyin' babe.

Baldee: Fuck Harmon!

Mule: Yeah!

Simon #3: See, this is the problem we're having. So we've signed you all up for Team Building at the Richfield Sheraton. You'll all be staying together for the week and going through various excercises as a unit.

Todd Dancer: Fuck Harmon!

Simon #1: Duly noted Todd. Thanks for the input.

Harmon: I'd rather get ripped on by them then do a teambuilding thing in Richfield.

Simon #5: You don't have a choice. You each have suitcases ready for you by the doorway. I suggest you grab one on your way out. As part of the teambuilding, to create a real sense of unity, we've supplied you all with team uniforms for the week. We've arranged a bus to transport all of you to the Richfield Sheraton immediately. Don't let us down.

So we're all sitting in the "bus" which is actually a minivan. Marjorie is on Todd's lap and I can actually see the lawsuit pending right now. They should have gotten another bus or van or something. Ellen is whispering in Dr. Gonzo's ear and they're both laughing. We'll be at the Richfield Sheraton in minutes but it feels like days.

They've got us all rooming together in two side by side rooms with the super lame mini door for convenience. But it's just two rooms. 9 people in two rooms. No cots. It's like The Real World: Richfield or something. What happens when coworkers stop being civil and start teambuilding? You'll know soon enough...All I know is that Baldee must have gotten one of the women's suitcases because he's wearing a t-shirt that stops at his belly button and a skirt. Either that or he thinks this is prison and he's hoping I'm gonna go gay for the stay with him.

I just saw Marjorie wearing baggie men's zubaz and mock turtleneck. They have The BMC logo all over 'em. I guess we know why Baldee's got the girly stuff on now. Are we sure this team is worth building?

Conversations ~ three of nine

i saw an old photo of myself.

how old were you?

i don't know. i'm good with memories and monuments, not age.

explain.

i was old enough to know i wasn't unbreakable. but i hadn't been broken yet.

there's a certain kind of grace required of getting older.

grace is just a pretty way of handling failure.

so your plan is to dismiss it?

no.

you have no plan.

yes.

it wasn't a question.

i know.

the boy in the picture, what did he want in life?

that's the only part about my past that i understand. i didn't know what i wanted back then either.

so you never grew up?

i've grown.

we learn a lot as time passes. sometimes we don't realize it.

the more time you've had the less it means.

that applies to more than just time.

what about a life?

that's for you to decide.

i'm not good with decisions.

decisions are made whether you make them or not.

yes. no.

do you want to be the little boy in the photo again?

no. i just want him to get what he deserved.

what's that?

everything.

Random thoughts

I'm just sitting back listening to some Down tempo Jazz from Bugge Wesseltoft -Change .

Just kicking back and these questions start popping into my head, so I decided to jot them down and share them with you the people, please remember these are in no order and there really isn't a purpose or deep subject matter to any of this there just some Random thoughts .

If you Could be a Thundercat who would you be and Why ?

If people are rude to you at Work or in general is it because your to Sexy?

Why cant you run pedestrians over when there walking against the light or really slow on purpose ?

Which is worse someone hitting you in the Nuts OR, your nuts are itching and you cant scratch them ?

Why do Americans call Futbol, Soccer when the rest of the world call's it Futbol ?

If Animals could talk what language would it be ?

Is there an Italian Kiss, or do the French corner the Market ?

Is the Incredible Hulk the Strongest Superhero ?

Can you say something in a sexually harassing tone to someone on there last day at work and not get in trouble ?

What are Sweaters Puppets ?

Who came up with the name Cocks for Male Chickens ?

When you fart really loud and long do you too feel your stomach relax ?

Why don't they bring back Dance Fever ?