Blank Slate

There is something about February that is not conducive to writing. A month that opens with James Joyce's birthday and has been known as the month of the dead seems to itch with creativity. Instead all I do is sit here and stare at blank sheets of paper contemplating intelligent things to write, then downgrading down from intelligent to mildly witty to now hoping to hit on something that might moderately arrive as a fluff piece.

Perhaps it does not help that I have, of late, become addicted to online video game playing and/or perhaps it is because it has been too cold to leave the apartment and have new experiences. Regardless this is becoming a bit of an issue.

It's a disease, a virus. A need to imagine the words that should show up. To see threads of ideas that one wishes to see and then not being able to write about them. It is... vexing...

No more so than for you, of course, dear readers, who not only don't have anything to read from us, but then when there is something to read from us it is terrible.

More is to come and today is the final day of February. Something needs to start picking up. Otherwise... shit, it's the fucking Ides of March. Bastards...

Where We've Been

Good Friday Coitusers,

Well not yet, but at least it's Lent. That's a good thing right? Again I have humbled myself with ridding myself of another one of my burdens. This year I am again giving up.... Not giving up anything. It is, I know, a large burden and one that for the 20th year in a row I am not 100% sure that i will be trying to muddle my way through.

The first in what is hopefully an ongoing experience...

Our Person of the Week

Finally a bit of good news to come down the pipeline for 2007. Soon, there will be no need to wake up early on that off day, soon there will be no need to fly out of the house and drive blindly in order to enjoy that sweet tasty bit of grease. That's right folks now McDonalds is serving breakfast all day long.

I am not a large fan of lessons in how to write which, more or less is probably why I am not good at it. These rules are fantastic though, I especially enjoy rule six out of the third part the best.



This could be interesting. Tarantino and Rodriguez have combined to make a Grindhouse movie.

There are many reasons, of course, that we should all love the South. Perhaps it s because the South realizes that children are our future. Perhaps it is because the South has out thought that thought by realizing that if children are our future it only makes sense to be children. Here are parents excuses for their children not showing up to school.

And finally, further proof that Namor, the Submariner is trying to take over the world. Fish, with faces:

Spring Training

Ah Spring Training has arrived. A time for the stove to finally turn off and a time to turn the coffee pot on. A time to look at boys taking batting practice and jock sniffers to look at schedules and try to predict where the Twins are going to finish.


It is also at this time that ones needs to remember that the Minnesota Twins are not Public Radio and there is no need to pledge them money. This thought passed through my brain as I willing chumped up the money to watch Spring Training on my computer and then gave serious consideration to purchasing tickets to games that I knew I would not be able to make.

Living in Crapcago I feel even a closer need for a connection to the Twins. A need to study more of the Twins blogs that are out there, to learn more about the minor leaguers that could come up for their cup of coffee towards the end of the season and, of course a dream of actually winning it all. That this could be our year.

In February there is magic in the air. There is the belief that we will win. That the Bitch Sux will finish last in the division and CC Sabathia will get injured eating a chicken fried chicken sammich.

Andy's Half-Assed Answers to Legitimate Questions

BAD MOTHER COITUS: Which hero do you identify with the most?

Andrew: Mr. Furious

The BMC: Is it true that Chewbacca finally cleaned up and was back acting in the hit comedy Beethoven's 2nd?

Andrew: No but he was originally cast for Pacino’s part in Scent of a woman.

The BMC: If, and God for bid "if", Valentine McKee and Earl Bassett would actually have come to blows while on the rock, who would've won?

Andrew: Earl, on account of the fact that before he legally changed his name and moved to perfection, he was Remo Williams.

The BMC Having lived most of your life wanting to be more like me, what advice do you have for folks that also idolize me?

Andrew: I would say that the crumbs from a God’s table taste better than the tremendous twelve.

The BMC: What is the most annoying movie quote of all time?

Andrew: Anything Elijah wood said in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

The BMC: Now that the show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is about to be cancelled do you think your friend Jordan will resume not dressing you?

Andrew: Probably not, but hopefully we won’t have to sleep together anymore.

The BMC: Why don't you let Karl play Warcraft at work? He is an officer for crying out loud.

Andrew: If I have to work, so does everybody, plus it’s hard enough keeping that kid focused.

Where We've Been

Good Evening Mother Coitus,

Another week down the drain and the shortest month of the year hits the midway point. Also the end of the crappy segue where you the viewer were short changed on hearing from all of us... May it never happen again.

Finally a definitive social project that finally shows who our super hero girlfriend/boyfriend is. For all of you that take part, hands off Psylocke...

I don't know if anybody in the world hasn't seen this but it is fairly funny. I'm not a huge Joe Rogan but it is good to see Carlos Mencia put down for stealing material. Subsequently, Joe Rogan has been banned from the Comedy Store. While this is not a good battle it is funny.

Science, friends, has stepped up to explain why men ignore their nagging wives. While I didn't actually read the article I did see enough (that it has science+ignore+nagging wives in the title) to believe that it is true. And since it is true it does show that the male race is an abused race.

And while Science is at it, it shows us also that Depression could be a form of evolution. Either that or else it is just a means of defense against the nagging wife.

The Earth lovers have come out with a website to show us how bad of people we are. I measured at 2.5 earths. These guys are always such kicks in the pants. I'm going to go enjoy a fucking soy latte.

This is intense. Kid falls from 12,000 feet. His first parachute doesn't open so he tries to pull his second. The second parachute does not open either. He falls into a shubbery and walks away.

the return of something new

the dull quarters and the shiny new dimes drop into place in the machine. there's a rumble and there's something waiting for the anonymous user in some back room break room down by their knees.

the feet shuffle out on the cheap linoleum designed to look like the absence of design. a plain so boring that even after years of daily use, of spilled soda cleanups and overloaded potluck plate wipe downs is still so ingrained as nothing that it may as well not even exist.

the door clicks shut with the grace of a politician. which is to say none at all. a rush of air, a thud, a magnetic seal locking down the facility of those poor people who fear retribution for doing...what again? why all the secrecy? why the security? why waste the time?

the paper flutters in her hand as she escorts her document back to her desk. she clears her throat, takes a sip of something warm and soothing and begins typing. she'll repeat this a dozen times today and a dozen tomorrow. she won't think about it. this is a good thing.

and me? i've been daydreaming about the end of the world.

it helps to pass the time.

Thoughts and Considerations

Is it just me or was Tom the Cat (of Tom and Jerry) entrusted with entirely too much responsibility?

In heaven will we all still be able to have the satisfaction of a really good poop?

I believe the future of androgyny to be pointing in a direction where it will not be enough to be a boy that looks like a girl. Someday you will need to be a boy that looks like a girl trying to look like a boy.

Out of all the crappy legislature that our government passes would it absolutely kill them to pass a law stopping people from taking cute/funny pictures of their pets?

How much longer will it be before candidates start drawing attention to themselves through the use of good old fashioned porn?

Is now the perfect time to make fun of David Beckham or should we wait until after his first movie comes out?

Are they people that gave us the Mentos commercials being fully punished for what they did?

How far away are we from MTV chosing to play the same music video back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back and not bother with putting filler in (except commercials and previews for Real World: Drunk, Dirty Sluts and the girls that love them).

Where We've Been

Hey Coitusers…

I completely forgot that today was Friday hence the tardiness of this links oh fun.

Regardless… enjoy…

HBO has a history of making the best television programs available to man; they may soon be outdoing themselves. This new series could be a combination of Lord of the Rings and Band of Brothers. They have recently agreed to make George RR Marin’s A Song of Fire and Ice into a mini series.

Readers, as you may well know, I do not like people. There are few things more annoying in the world than a person that wants to talk to you. Worse, of course than that, is working retail and being paid to deal with customers. On this website I feel that we should offer to draw a bold line in the sand where there should be National Bitch Day where you are capable of bitching out whatever potential customer with no fear of reprisal. The poor retail working bastard from this article could be our first member.

This will be sure to kill off time. Due to this website I was able to find out that the letters of Bad Mother Coitus can be coyly reworded to make A Bitch Dome Tours… perhaps the finer way of explaining this website.

I know that we were pretty much scooped by everybody on this. But Tom Cruis is the newest Jesus Christ? I mean seriously… even if we did get scooped I think we can all share another laugh over this.

Christmas is close to being only 10 months away. And in the meantime there are birthdays and Richtermageddon. A gift from a fellow Minnesotan… what could be finer?

Your depressing moment for the day

When I saw this website I almost cried. Almost- the world as you know it would’ve ended should that have happened: dogs and cats living together. The good folks at DoubleViking have done it: The Top Ten Mano-A-Mano movie fights of all time.

A Brief Statement

Gone but not forgotten, missing but still relevant, silenced but commemorative, exasperated but indifferently hopeful. Through many trials, toils and errors it appears as though the great powers have seen fit to allow us back onto the air.

Not with a bang nor a whimper do we resurrect ourselves bringing back the same hard hitting journalistic pride that our readership craves nay deserves! Never let us be separated for this long again.

In a short, elongated stream of consciousness I will catch you up on the past two weeks:

Guystines day, yeah, Jordan doesn't run away from a fight! Fargo, what the fuck am I doing in Fargo? Yes, I might like to join World of Warcraft [self loathing and further self contemplation on direction of my life]. The Bears lost "there is a saying in Chicago, there is always next year" If I have another drink I don't think that my body will be able to remain in one piece and the world may end in the conflict that ensues.

The engineers and go-bots are still in meetings to discover what created this potential dooms day scenario that left you, the innocent bystander out in the cold. I have challenged them to find out more so that this will never happen again. Unfortunately, most of our finest minds have accepted the Exxon Challenge and are now trying to disprove Global Warming.

More fitting and deserving information to follow. But know that you are all loved and have been missed.