chicago dictionary

ok folks, i said no more blogs about traffic, and here you go. what do we gots instead? your first comprehensive chicago-speak dictionary. words every chicagoan takes for granted but tourists "scratch their heads" about.*

chicagoland – chicago and it’s surrounding suburbs. the only important part of illinois.

TJ's – Trader Joe’s. quite possibly the best, friendliest, cheapest grocery store out there. all the cool kids shop there.

the bean – the giant bean-shaped sculpture in millennium park. actually titled Cloud Gate. The biggest funhouse mirror you have ever seen. also, rediculously horrendous tourist trap in the middle of summer.

parking ticket – a small piece of paper slipped into an orange envelope and stuck to either your windshield or your driver’s side door (adhesive is very sticky and will mostly likely leave residue for 2 weeks after original removal). usually listed at $50 for breaking some sort of vague parking law. examples of violations include: parking in a regular zone during a cubs game, parking in front of a faded yellow line on the curb, and parking on the street during an alleged “street cleaning” day (whether or not they actually clean the streets is up for debate). legend has it that if you’ve got out of state plates, the ticket will not be entered into the system.

el – the elevated train. runs around the loop and branches out to the ends of chicago. see: chase scenes from blues brothers & the fugitive.

work commute – the length of time it takes you to get from home to work or work to home. varies by person. commute can be from suburbs to city or vice versa, from south side to north side (or vice versa), from north/south/west side to the loop, but NEVER the reverse. if your commute is under 20 minutes, you are fucking lucky. if it’s over 2 hours, that’s shitty. if it’s anywhere from 35 min – 85 min, you’re normal!

suppertime – the time at which you eat supper. suburbanites eat after designated parent arrives home, cooks supper and calls the family to eat (aprox 6:30pm). city dwellers… this varies… but the hardest time to get a table at a restaurant is after 8pm. if you eat before 7:30, you're out for the early bird special.

closing time – the time at which bars close. there is no closing time in chicago. some bars will wuss out at 2 or 3am, some eek out life till 4am, but really, you don’t have to go home. just don’t pass out there or you’ll end up in jail.

da bears – if you don’t remember the ’86 bears, that’s ok, see below to jog your memory. i only remember the football helmet shaped cookies our teacher brought to class to celebrate the superbowl win. apparently, all other NFL teams should look out: the ’86 bears have been reincarnated. oh yeah.



*definitions subject to irony and situation: not set in stone.