unfolding the intricate oragami of chicago driving

yeah, i know last week's entry was about traffic, but for some insane reason (perhaps due to increased traffic incidents) it still remains on my brain. when i have extra time to ponder annoying things, i usually succumb, stewing in my own revelations.

pontification #1 - some people feel that it's to the benefit of traffic flow to keep a distance of 3 car lengths between them and the car in front of them. theoretically, this is a good idea. no stopping should be needed. just a slow coasting. it would prevent rubber-banding and break wear and tear. theoretically, if all cars on the road did this, we would have no stand-still traffic.

but communism looks good on paper too.

what really happens is, when that hole is spotted, at least 5 cars will attempt to squish into the 3 car length spot. this space gives the illusion that the lane is moving fast enough to create space. so you change lanes. you want to go faster too, dammit. fill that gap! why is there a fucking gap?! who does that? MOVE bitch!!

why? well, because it's every car for itself, that's why. i can safely say that chicago drivers are selfish byotches. i have heard that we honk more than other cities (excluding new jersey, of course), and that driving on lake shore drive causes most tourists minor heart attacks.

pontification #2 - traffic cops. i have seen the hirarchy. downtown and on major intersections, you see the uniformed cops in hats, with cuffs and a ticket board, sporting a bright orange POLICE safety vest. they have ear-piercing whistles and white gloves. you dont mess with them. then there are the kiddos you see lining every street corner after a sporting event.

i'll use cubs games for my example here. before and after cubs games, there are joes in blue polos and unmarked orange vests, holding dayglo orange singals. And, they stand in the middle of every single intersection for a 2 mile radius. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (they work in pairs) attempt to usher traffic through the probable gridlock that would happen with an influx of cars at said sporting event. these douche bags are part time city workers. they have no authority to issue tickets. they have no whistles or white gloves. hell, half the time they dont even move aside for cars turning left. my biggest pet peeve is their disregard for traffic lights. if you neglect to take these into account, you invariably cause a back up down the road. why? traffic lights are synched. result: GRIDLOCK. you heard it here folks. these schmoes are traffic causers.

i did find a good interview about the traffic cop hirarchy and why traffic cops exist in the first place. But this is still no consolation when it takes me an extra 15 minutes to get the last 4 blocks home.

pontification #3 - driving in chicago is hazardous to your health unless you aquire the proper vaccinations. only experience will truely vaccinate you, but for visitors and fresh meat, here are a few hints: 1. make sure you know your route 2. yes, we honk at you when you dont know where you're going. try to ignore this. it's not personal. well, yes it is, but it's only because you annoy me. 3. if you're on lake shore drive and you start having heart palpatations, please, please, dont pull over or go 30 mph. simply get into the right lane and go the posted speed limit and pull off AT AN EXIT. 4. cabbies go anywhere they like. just think of them as 600 lb gorillas with no morals.

ok folks, that's it this week. i'll try to focus my attention elsewheres for next week's pontificating.