The new collective here at BMC Headquarters got together and decided we should be organized. Not organized in that "hey I just got back from Office Depot with some binders" sort of way. We're not good with binding. But we thought you, the people, deserved to know what the BMC had in store for you on a given day.
Some day, after much work and dedication, maybe Tuesdays with Dr. G will be worth setting aside 15 minutes for. And hell, if nothing else we need to have something to replace "tuesdays with morrie" in the consciousness of the masses. That book is embarrassingly retarded. Particularly so because the author is known universally as a liar, douchebag, and pretty much the opposite of everything he pretends to be about in the book. But i digress.
So, henceforth, you'll get me on mondays. Dr. G on tuesdays, Mule on wednesdays and Balldee on thursdays. Fridays will be a sort of linkorama or maybe a random dissertation from Remo. You never know when the adventure will begin with him. But when it does it's worth all the waiting.
Some other changes include the long overdue plan to actually edit some of the stuff we write. For one thing we'll finally get an accepted spelling for Balldee, Baldee, BallsDeep or whatever he wants to call himself. I consider the editing of one of BaldNuts's posts to be sort of the Mt. Everest of Editing. Enjoy. And frankly if one of our readers doesn't come up with a drinking game for every comma that is obviously inserted into a Balldee column then I'll be disappointed in all of you.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
MIAMI VICE ( Story by Balddee sub Plot and additional action by Mule )
I entered the theater full of anticipation .
I was dressed for the adventure my soft pink shirt which was tucked so securely in my clean white pants that were so well pressed out that the Cress in the pants was sharp enough to cut an apple.
A cool gray suit jacket with the sleeves rolled up and the stylish white shoes with no socks.
I strutted into the theater oblivious of the gawkers and nay Sayers who glanced at me with wonderment.
I was here for the Premier of Miami Vice and I was a part of the action .
For this one day at this theater I was Crockett and I was backed up by my brothers in Arms Mule as Swytex and Harmon as Zeto .
Boldly we walked around the lobby as if we were a part of the action as though we were the stars of the show .
Little did Baldee know, but he was about to die. The Cubans had paid me handsomely for it and so I, mule, posing as Swytex, was going to pull the trigger.
The money had already been wired to my account.
The Cubans weren't afraid of me not doing it, they would carve me up if I didn't.
I had no doubt that I probably wouldn't escape the aftermath as people rushed to Balddee's help and knew that I had to make the shot count.
It was going to be a well placed shot, right in the back of his big skull.
The Big Fat Kill.
Even his swagger offends me now, how he shakes hands and pretends like everybody loves him.
Harmon sits en raptured with him too.
If I'm capable of pulling the trigger twice let the second bullet lodge itself into his brain.
But they came, the bad guys came with there Sub Machine guns singing a song of bloodlust .
I seen it all in slow motion without hesitation I hit the floor my Beretta's blazing there own deadly two part harmony .
For all there Fire power they were really bad shoots THERE WAS A FIRE FIGHT !!!!
I screamed with delight as the bodies fell one after a bloody other .
I tripped over one of the bloody carcasses they weren't Cuban but really Swedes with really really good tans and pretty good wigs .
That's when I knew who the traitor was .
Minutes seemed liked hours and as I emptied my chamber into the last poor soul who crossed me .
My blood glaze searched the now deserted lobby for a Mule who I found cowering behind a well shot up Nacho machine he had melted cheese on his shirt and he was scared .
He left me during a Bullet Battle and by Crom he was going to pay .
He wet himself upon seeing me and began to spill his guts about his jealousy of me because of who I am and what I stand for .
I heard Harmon snickering in the back ground waiting for me to snap mules neck but with one quick turn Mule and I both emptied our last bullet square into Harmon's forehead .
Why ? Why kill Harmon .. When it was Mule who planned the hit .
Simple...
That blood bath was the best present anyone could of given me keeping Mule Alive ensures more of that carnage, Harmon doesnt like the Godfather Movie so one way or another he had it coming , and besides Mule bought the tickets for the Movie .
So I pried a bag of Popcorn from one of the dead Passersby's and we went in to go finally see Miami Vice the movie .
I was dressed for the adventure my soft pink shirt which was tucked so securely in my clean white pants that were so well pressed out that the Cress in the pants was sharp enough to cut an apple.
A cool gray suit jacket with the sleeves rolled up and the stylish white shoes with no socks.
I strutted into the theater oblivious of the gawkers and nay Sayers who glanced at me with wonderment.
I was here for the Premier of Miami Vice and I was a part of the action .
For this one day at this theater I was Crockett and I was backed up by my brothers in Arms Mule as Swytex and Harmon as Zeto .
Boldly we walked around the lobby as if we were a part of the action as though we were the stars of the show .
Little did Baldee know, but he was about to die. The Cubans had paid me handsomely for it and so I, mule, posing as Swytex, was going to pull the trigger.
The money had already been wired to my account.
The Cubans weren't afraid of me not doing it, they would carve me up if I didn't.
I had no doubt that I probably wouldn't escape the aftermath as people rushed to Balddee's help and knew that I had to make the shot count.
It was going to be a well placed shot, right in the back of his big skull.
The Big Fat Kill.
Even his swagger offends me now, how he shakes hands and pretends like everybody loves him.
Harmon sits en raptured with him too.
If I'm capable of pulling the trigger twice let the second bullet lodge itself into his brain.
But they came, the bad guys came with there Sub Machine guns singing a song of bloodlust .
I seen it all in slow motion without hesitation I hit the floor my Beretta's blazing there own deadly two part harmony .
For all there Fire power they were really bad shoots THERE WAS A FIRE FIGHT !!!!
I screamed with delight as the bodies fell one after a bloody other .
I tripped over one of the bloody carcasses they weren't Cuban but really Swedes with really really good tans and pretty good wigs .
That's when I knew who the traitor was .
Minutes seemed liked hours and as I emptied my chamber into the last poor soul who crossed me .
My blood glaze searched the now deserted lobby for a Mule who I found cowering behind a well shot up Nacho machine he had melted cheese on his shirt and he was scared .
He left me during a Bullet Battle and by Crom he was going to pay .
He wet himself upon seeing me and began to spill his guts about his jealousy of me because of who I am and what I stand for .
I heard Harmon snickering in the back ground waiting for me to snap mules neck but with one quick turn Mule and I both emptied our last bullet square into Harmon's forehead .
Why ? Why kill Harmon .. When it was Mule who planned the hit .
Simple...
That blood bath was the best present anyone could of given me keeping Mule Alive ensures more of that carnage, Harmon doesnt like the Godfather Movie so one way or another he had it coming , and besides Mule bought the tickets for the Movie .
So I pried a bag of Popcorn from one of the dead Passersby's and we went in to go finally see Miami Vice the movie .
Where We've Been
Mule has been left home alone on Friday and so Friday Funday has been largely abbreviated.
If you see one movie all (next) year, this should be the movie.
For anybody that ever was foolish enough to question the notion of Ninja versus Pirate: I believe this website solves all differences with one swift blow to the head.
This is a pleasant little website for the new home town. It plays like a tour guide but gives heads up of local events and happenings. Not that I ever intend on doing any of them, but it is nice to know what I'm missing out on.
This website is fantastic for anybody that ever wanted to be a ninja or pirate. This term of "Cyber" was new to me and thus far hasn't had the same effect with real life girls.
Have a Good weekend All... and remember, the Hoff Loves you!
He is Knight Rider after all...
If you see one movie all (next) year, this should be the movie.
For anybody that ever was foolish enough to question the notion of Ninja versus Pirate: I believe this website solves all differences with one swift blow to the head.
This is a pleasant little website for the new home town. It plays like a tour guide but gives heads up of local events and happenings. Not that I ever intend on doing any of them, but it is nice to know what I'm missing out on.
This website is fantastic for anybody that ever wanted to be a ninja or pirate. This term of "Cyber" was new to me and thus far hasn't had the same effect with real life girls.
Have a Good weekend All... and remember, the Hoff Loves you!
He is Knight Rider after all...
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Balddee Answers your Questions :Millennium Neanderthal
Agatha
I really had to ponder your question cause I could simply just say yes they exist then be lame and take the easy route with the obvious comment yes Neanderthals live there men blah blah Oprah , blah Men are from Mars Women are from Venus .. all that lame shit .
But because I have the insight to look beyond your Question I was able to break it down to a different subject and Topic yet still keeping the overall tone the same.
Thus as I always do setting a new standard for our society and answering I hope your question in the process .
What Is this new Millennium of Neanderthal ?
Take my hand Agatha and lets take this plunge together .
I think the first thing to do is find comparisons to ordinary people lets see...Lets use
Bush, no he's to easy a target and there is no counter point there. hmm lets use my buddy J as an example sorry man you can yell at me when I get back into town .
J or so that the BMC is not put in to some silly lawsuit we will call himThal is a shinning example of this point .
I think the core issue or the thing that separates a Normal Male to a Thal is manners and I don't mean Goofus and Gallant Manners .
I mean the level of normal male thinking is at it's most primal, most embarrassing, it's at a level where they do bodily functions anywhere, And I Fucking mean anywhere Funerals or dinner table, they will scratch there crotch and smell it anywhere and even though I can rip loud ones with the best of them there is a time and place for those things even the most manly men of men know that .
This is a dangerous kind of Species cause there true identity is hidden until they really start to speak .
And they are smart, to a point, well there smart enough to seek out very Macho men who are exceedingly intelligent for friends because Very Macho men are on the Cusp but know the difference of crossing over into this sad zone of existence Why all this ?
Because the best thing about men is no matter what stage you are in your development Shy , Nerdy , Jock , Metrosexual , Sensitive , your male friends wants you to get laid .
And that is how this new Thal survives
Cause he knows that in this Pack of men he will get to eat ( Pun intended ) and his buddie will see to it in some shape or form .
You could be dating a Thal and not know it because you may think he's really rugged and All women like that in there men at some level but if unchecked he is the Millennium Man at his most crude to the point that even for the most masculine male is like fuck man, pull your shit together .
So lets elaborate J I mean Thal for instance just acts without thinking .
True story : A Tree in his yard was getting to big for his property the branches were everywhere so thal decides to trim the limbs of the tree with a fucking Chainsaw !!!
So our hero goes up the tree and starts trimming the tree with did I mention a chainsaw all is going according to plan in the grand scale of stupidity he gets frustrated with one limb that he cant get to now the best part is that this particular tree limb is close to some power lines BUT HE CUTS IT ANYWAY .
No he didn't get electrocuted but he did knock out all the Power for the several blocks so he had to call and have an emergency repair man come out to fix his fuck up .
The best part is when the repair man showed up Thal had to explain what happened and his part in the whole thing .
That is but an example of the lack of understanding that these particular species of Man have.
Stealing his new neighbors really expensive ladder then blaming on the local teens is but another .
So what are we getting out of this .
Yes They do exist unfortunate unlike Anger Management Groups there is no Neanderthal I want to have some fucking class no really I do want to at least balance my shit out courses .
I hope that helped somewhat and if you
I really had to ponder your question cause I could simply just say yes they exist then be lame and take the easy route with the obvious comment yes Neanderthals live there men blah blah Oprah , blah Men are from Mars Women are from Venus .. all that lame shit .
But because I have the insight to look beyond your Question I was able to break it down to a different subject and Topic yet still keeping the overall tone the same.
Thus as I always do setting a new standard for our society and answering I hope your question in the process .
What Is this new Millennium of Neanderthal ?
Take my hand Agatha and lets take this plunge together .
I think the first thing to do is find comparisons to ordinary people lets see...Lets use
Bush, no he's to easy a target and there is no counter point there. hmm lets use my buddy J as an example sorry man you can yell at me when I get back into town .
J or so that the BMC is not put in to some silly lawsuit we will call himThal is a shinning example of this point .
I think the core issue or the thing that separates a Normal Male to a Thal is manners and I don't mean Goofus and Gallant Manners .
I mean the level of normal male thinking is at it's most primal, most embarrassing, it's at a level where they do bodily functions anywhere, And I Fucking mean anywhere Funerals or dinner table, they will scratch there crotch and smell it anywhere and even though I can rip loud ones with the best of them there is a time and place for those things even the most manly men of men know that .
This is a dangerous kind of Species cause there true identity is hidden until they really start to speak .
And they are smart, to a point, well there smart enough to seek out very Macho men who are exceedingly intelligent for friends because Very Macho men are on the Cusp but know the difference of crossing over into this sad zone of existence Why all this ?
Because the best thing about men is no matter what stage you are in your development Shy , Nerdy , Jock , Metrosexual , Sensitive , your male friends wants you to get laid .
And that is how this new Thal survives
Cause he knows that in this Pack of men he will get to eat ( Pun intended ) and his buddie will see to it in some shape or form .
You could be dating a Thal and not know it because you may think he's really rugged and All women like that in there men at some level but if unchecked he is the Millennium Man at his most crude to the point that even for the most masculine male is like fuck man, pull your shit together .
So lets elaborate J I mean Thal for instance just acts without thinking .
True story : A Tree in his yard was getting to big for his property the branches were everywhere so thal decides to trim the limbs of the tree with a fucking Chainsaw !!!
So our hero goes up the tree and starts trimming the tree with did I mention a chainsaw all is going according to plan in the grand scale of stupidity he gets frustrated with one limb that he cant get to now the best part is that this particular tree limb is close to some power lines BUT HE CUTS IT ANYWAY .
No he didn't get electrocuted but he did knock out all the Power for the several blocks so he had to call and have an emergency repair man come out to fix his fuck up .
The best part is when the repair man showed up Thal had to explain what happened and his part in the whole thing .
That is but an example of the lack of understanding that these particular species of Man have.
Stealing his new neighbors really expensive ladder then blaming on the local teens is but another .
So what are we getting out of this .
Yes They do exist unfortunate unlike Anger Management Groups there is no Neanderthal I want to have some fucking class no really I do want to at least balance my shit out courses .
I hope that helped somewhat and if you
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Sometimes A Tangled Mess
Soft acoustic guitar drips into my ear, played in the key of the Thracian; composed in that melody that was beautiful enough to sway the Blackheart. That song that escaped the grasp of Hell and yet caused greater punishment than Tantalus, though no sin had been committed.
In that vein, the Sea of Ireland was fought and for its' honor the romantic in all of us takes swipes at Spanish windmills. Father Time stomps his double kick drum on the left side of our body while our soul dances out melody on our continual fret board.
The choir that finds it fortunate enough to peer through farsighted glasses is forced to only sing that which is in the hymnal before them reads. Nearby, Gnostic Nathaniel nails a solo of his own nature, naming all of us as naysayers, that this is all God's Will.
But the starlight from all those hearts ago screams on in Siren voices, regardless of opinion. Want or disregard binds all of us that have never finished fighting the sea; those of us that have never finished anything. There is hope in this, hope that maybe the peace like a river will be ours. The stardust that has rained down still cakes to our sandals and will never be shook off when we leave this town.
In that vein, the Sea of Ireland was fought and for its' honor the romantic in all of us takes swipes at Spanish windmills. Father Time stomps his double kick drum on the left side of our body while our soul dances out melody on our continual fret board.
The choir that finds it fortunate enough to peer through farsighted glasses is forced to only sing that which is in the hymnal before them reads. Nearby, Gnostic Nathaniel nails a solo of his own nature, naming all of us as naysayers, that this is all God's Will.
But the starlight from all those hearts ago screams on in Siren voices, regardless of opinion. Want or disregard binds all of us that have never finished fighting the sea; those of us that have never finished anything. There is hope in this, hope that maybe the peace like a river will be ours. The stardust that has rained down still cakes to our sandals and will never be shook off when we leave this town.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Let Baldde Answer Questions on : Sex, Love , Music , The Middle East, Politics,
I was watching the news the other night and they had an interview with some guy who has probably one of the most powerful Political Blog sites out there .
And this drove me to the brink of rage .
I think it's safe to say that we hear at the BMC have if anything else inspired people to better themselves shit my time here in L.A. alone has changed the lives of hundreds of people
But yet it aint enough
I want to really expand my knowledge or lack there off to the World .
So starting today I want questions from you the general Public on whatever
please either respond to this blog or send in your Questions to :
badmothercoitus@yahoo.com
And this drove me to the brink of rage .
I think it's safe to say that we hear at the BMC have if anything else inspired people to better themselves shit my time here in L.A. alone has changed the lives of hundreds of people
But yet it aint enough
I want to really expand my knowledge or lack there off to the World .
So starting today I want questions from you the general Public on whatever
please either respond to this blog or send in your Questions to :
badmothercoitus@yahoo.com
N-49: Online Policeman
Recently Mule and I ventured out to see what else was going on in the blogosphere. It was fun, Dr. Gonz packed us some samiches in a handkerchief and a couple juice boxes and we were off. We didn't get far before we realized that our samich supply was woefully inadequate. So we looked around at 3 or 4 sites and decided to shut down the expedition. Thankfully, we came across this entertaining little ditty on barbercollege so it wasn't a total waste of a trip.
The post, for those of you not savvy enough to click on the little brownish link, is a video of a sweet combo platter of old school video games. The almost unequaled in lameness Duck Hunt mixed with Ryu from Street Fighter. Ryu fights the ducks. That's the joke. It's moderately entertaining and looks pretty sweet. The funny part happens in the comments section.
mule said...
This is the sort of game that my friend Baldee would really suck at... seriously, it would be awkward.
4:15 PM, July 24, 2006
Harmon said...
i've got a buddy who thinks he's blade (baldee, of course, I was trying to hit him from many angles) and he's the same way. he'd probably spend half the time trying to kick the dog and the other half blaming the controller.
4:21 PM, July 24, 2006
mule said...
i hate it when he blames the controller cos then he tries to do it in real life and then we have to take him to the hospital again.
Talk about leaving yourself open to murder or a heart attack.
4:27 PM, July 24, 2006
N-49 said...
Mule , Harmon
This premeditated idea of making fun of your friends on this site is lame .
You didn't even thank J-HO for posting this funny blog .
Your comments are not needed and not funny all you've shown is that you have no etiquette.
If you have your own blog site then why don't you guys post your insults there .
6:03 PM, July 24, 2006
Pretty fucking fantastic right? We decide to (mildly) knock Baldee and get called on the carpet for nefarious acts on a foreign blog. So I'm taking your advice N-49 because you are obviously brilliant. I particularly enjoy the implied insidiousness of using "premeditated" in your bashing of us. Seriously that's 100% awesome. It wouldn't be bad enough if we just came across the site and decided to mock a friend. But to have planned it out ahead of time? Outrageous! And yeah I'm totally pacing back and forth like a Grisham-esque lawyer trying to work up the jury. Premeditated! I'm amazed the Good Lord didn't smite us during the initial planning stages of our commentary coup. If, that is, we had planned anything. If anything this is clearly a totally half-assed effort by a couple guys bored at work.
N-49 clearly has us nailed on the lack of thankfulness issue. I would now like to thank "J-Ho" for bringing you into our world. I was hoping to get to know more insufferable douchebags via the world of blogs and thanks to your completely fucked up sense of right and wrong, lack of any semblance of humor and lame nickname you have delivered sir.
The comments on blogs are always fascinating to me. We get ripped for nothing at all on our site and no one says anything when Baldee advocates male stripping. So, hot tip kids, if you ever wonder whether you should be commenting (or how to do it correctly) just go to barber college and say something inconsiderate, I'm sure N-49 will come out and sass you but good.
The post, for those of you not savvy enough to click on the little brownish link, is a video of a sweet combo platter of old school video games. The almost unequaled in lameness Duck Hunt mixed with Ryu from Street Fighter. Ryu fights the ducks. That's the joke. It's moderately entertaining and looks pretty sweet. The funny part happens in the comments section.
mule said...
This is the sort of game that my friend Baldee would really suck at... seriously, it would be awkward.
4:15 PM, July 24, 2006
Harmon said...
i've got a buddy who thinks he's blade (baldee, of course, I was trying to hit him from many angles) and he's the same way. he'd probably spend half the time trying to kick the dog and the other half blaming the controller.
4:21 PM, July 24, 2006
mule said...
i hate it when he blames the controller cos then he tries to do it in real life and then we have to take him to the hospital again.
Talk about leaving yourself open to murder or a heart attack.
4:27 PM, July 24, 2006
N-49 said...
Mule , Harmon
This premeditated idea of making fun of your friends on this site is lame .
You didn't even thank J-HO for posting this funny blog .
Your comments are not needed and not funny all you've shown is that you have no etiquette.
If you have your own blog site then why don't you guys post your insults there .
6:03 PM, July 24, 2006
Pretty fucking fantastic right? We decide to (mildly) knock Baldee and get called on the carpet for nefarious acts on a foreign blog. So I'm taking your advice N-49 because you are obviously brilliant. I particularly enjoy the implied insidiousness of using "premeditated" in your bashing of us. Seriously that's 100% awesome. It wouldn't be bad enough if we just came across the site and decided to mock a friend. But to have planned it out ahead of time? Outrageous! And yeah I'm totally pacing back and forth like a Grisham-esque lawyer trying to work up the jury. Premeditated! I'm amazed the Good Lord didn't smite us during the initial planning stages of our commentary coup. If, that is, we had planned anything. If anything this is clearly a totally half-assed effort by a couple guys bored at work.
N-49 clearly has us nailed on the lack of thankfulness issue. I would now like to thank "J-Ho" for bringing you into our world. I was hoping to get to know more insufferable douchebags via the world of blogs and thanks to your completely fucked up sense of right and wrong, lack of any semblance of humor and lame nickname you have delivered sir.
The comments on blogs are always fascinating to me. We get ripped for nothing at all on our site and no one says anything when Baldee advocates male stripping. So, hot tip kids, if you ever wonder whether you should be commenting (or how to do it correctly) just go to barber college and say something inconsiderate, I'm sure N-49 will come out and sass you but good.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Man Bra
One thing about L.A. is you get very self conscious of your body and that can have a good and bad effect on you in my case .
I stopped smoking which is feat within itself, no Patch people just cold turkey .
And I started to take up running.
And I must admit I am feeling better it works hand in hand with my therapy .
Now before you all think were is he going with all of this .
Well as always it's starts with story
I was sitting in a park, listening to some music and I was actually content no rage just content with all that was around me .
That's when it hit me .
I think there needs to be a Man Bra.
I know it sounds odd and it's not an original idea or is it?
We have all heard of Man Boobs and lets face it we as a nation, are not the fittest .
While I was at the park this was made clear to me it's L.A. so I seen the beautiful people but then time after time I saw guys jogging and just man boobs flopping all over the place and trust me I wanted no part of this!!!!
I would turn away and boom it was there it kind of reminded me of the Scene from the High Anxiety and the Pigeons ( nuff said ) .
Well it was like that, but in the most Horrible Fashion I mean I literally was running back to my Rehab Center and everywhere I turned arghh...
It was like a sick Twilight Zone joke , gone were all the hot young girls jogging or rollerblading, just that all around me .
I grasped for air once I reached the safety of my Rehab Room I locked the door and Wept for a good 30 minutes sitting in the Fetal position .
I am now staying at the Clinic for an additional week .
I stopped smoking which is feat within itself, no Patch people just cold turkey .
And I started to take up running.
And I must admit I am feeling better it works hand in hand with my therapy .
Now before you all think were is he going with all of this .
Well as always it's starts with story
I was sitting in a park, listening to some music and I was actually content no rage just content with all that was around me .
That's when it hit me .
I think there needs to be a Man Bra.
I know it sounds odd and it's not an original idea or is it?
We have all heard of Man Boobs and lets face it we as a nation, are not the fittest .
While I was at the park this was made clear to me it's L.A. so I seen the beautiful people but then time after time I saw guys jogging and just man boobs flopping all over the place and trust me I wanted no part of this!!!!
I would turn away and boom it was there it kind of reminded me of the Scene from the High Anxiety and the Pigeons ( nuff said ) .
Well it was like that, but in the most Horrible Fashion I mean I literally was running back to my Rehab Center and everywhere I turned arghh...
It was like a sick Twilight Zone joke , gone were all the hot young girls jogging or rollerblading, just that all around me .
I grasped for air once I reached the safety of my Rehab Room I locked the door and Wept for a good 30 minutes sitting in the Fetal position .
I am now staying at the Clinic for an additional week .
Thursday, July 20, 2006
SATURDAY Morn
What in the world is going on .
I was up early a couple of Saturday's ago and I made the mistake of watching the normal Saturday Morning Lineup.
What could bug me so much that I would have to Blog about it ?
Well if any of you have an attention span you will have noticed that I am aside from complete psycho duh Hello that's the reason that I am in a 3 week anger management course still in L.A .
Is your hero Balddee is one big fucking geek .
So there I am looking at the Saturday Morning lineup and I was disgusted if they didn't have Batman on I think I would of went Ape Shit ( kind of like I am now)
What is it with this new generation of cartoons are you fucking kidding me!.
Enough with the card trading cartoons and shows that exploit animal fighting for profit.
Enough with the Shows based of off Sluts a the mainCharaters ( Brats )
Where are the ThunderCats, Jace and the Wheeled Warriors ,M.A.S.K , Silverhawks , SuperFreinds Well let me rephrase that Justice League is better Thundar , John Blackstar
Those were cartoons that were original and that had some entertainment value .
Oh well
I was up early a couple of Saturday's ago and I made the mistake of watching the normal Saturday Morning Lineup.
What could bug me so much that I would have to Blog about it ?
Well if any of you have an attention span you will have noticed that I am aside from complete psycho duh Hello that's the reason that I am in a 3 week anger management course still in L.A .
Is your hero Balddee is one big fucking geek .
So there I am looking at the Saturday Morning lineup and I was disgusted if they didn't have Batman on I think I would of went Ape Shit ( kind of like I am now)
What is it with this new generation of cartoons are you fucking kidding me!.
Enough with the card trading cartoons and shows that exploit animal fighting for profit.
Enough with the Shows based of off Sluts a the mainCharaters ( Brats )
Where are the ThunderCats, Jace and the Wheeled Warriors ,M.A.S.K , Silverhawks , SuperFreinds Well let me rephrase that Justice League is better Thundar , John Blackstar
Those were cartoons that were original and that had some entertainment value .
Oh well
Monday, July 17, 2006
Possession is 9/10ths of the law
why is it that only evil spirits possess people? what's that about? and why, if you believe the exorcist and the exorcism of emily rose, do they always go after young girls? were these movies all written by bitter fellas who found their favorite gal making out with johnny football hero under the stands in middle school or something? hell, most of what is written has to do with how the writer is feeling that day. it just seems odd that teenage girls are so ripe for satanic possession to me. but then i was reading comic books and playing video games when i was in my early teens, maybe i missed out on the whole heartcrushing deal.
but what would happen if i were possessed by, like, a really sweet guy who just helped other people out. made good decisions for me too so when he left my body in the future i'd be better off than before. would it be like in a coma? or would i be aware of it all? i'm just kinda curious.
i can see the benefits to being possessed for a short time by something evil though. just think of it. once someone has seen you as a demon they're pretty much gonna avoid a confrontation with you at all costs and do what you say right? they're not fucking with a guy who can make his eyes turn red when he's pissed off. that's just a theory really but i think it'll hold up. of course you could have the same deal if you were, say, teen wolf. but based on my completely unscientific research of hollywood films it is much more lucrative to be possessed by a demon than to be a teenaged werewolf. although i suppose being 1)white 2)canadian and 3)4 foot 6 and still being a dominant force in high school basketball may tip the scales towards the whole teen wolf thing. i mean, that is pretty fucking improbable. those are skills you just don't get with the whole possession thing. i think i'll cast my vote for teenwolf.
as per usual i have no point but it's monday, which is inherently pointless.
oh and just so we're clear - when it comes to Hotel Harmon the "no vacancy" light for demons is still lit. i don't need any blog-savvy interlopers messing with my mojo.
but what would happen if i were possessed by, like, a really sweet guy who just helped other people out. made good decisions for me too so when he left my body in the future i'd be better off than before. would it be like in a coma? or would i be aware of it all? i'm just kinda curious.
i can see the benefits to being possessed for a short time by something evil though. just think of it. once someone has seen you as a demon they're pretty much gonna avoid a confrontation with you at all costs and do what you say right? they're not fucking with a guy who can make his eyes turn red when he's pissed off. that's just a theory really but i think it'll hold up. of course you could have the same deal if you were, say, teen wolf. but based on my completely unscientific research of hollywood films it is much more lucrative to be possessed by a demon than to be a teenaged werewolf. although i suppose being 1)white 2)canadian and 3)4 foot 6 and still being a dominant force in high school basketball may tip the scales towards the whole teen wolf thing. i mean, that is pretty fucking improbable. those are skills you just don't get with the whole possession thing. i think i'll cast my vote for teenwolf.
as per usual i have no point but it's monday, which is inherently pointless.
oh and just so we're clear - when it comes to Hotel Harmon the "no vacancy" light for demons is still lit. i don't need any blog-savvy interlopers messing with my mojo.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Teenagers and Money
I was taking a walk around the city and I noticed an on going trend , I was asked for some spare change by a teenager or at least they were in there early 20s .
I have seen these same kids before, there new to the block this is there second day on the strip, I say all this because I usually am not within an earshot of these kids so I honestly never pay them any mind .
Now I am not one to pick on the misfortunate ( that goes against my therapy but Oh who the Fuck am I kidding, yeah I do kind of pick on the misfortunate but in all actualities I pick on anyone and everyone)
Let me rephrase what I'm saying, I have sympathy, I have sympathy ??!!!?
Yes mother fucker I have fucking Sympathy for an elderly person whose down on his luck cause you never know what happened to them so THAT'S RIGHT I AM KIND and the key word is old person here lets clarify .
But Teenagers !!!!
Argh These fucking kids pissed me off anyway back to the story.
So this kid asks me for some change and I told them naturally ............. no(Naturally )
And before they could respond with some comment that would land them a right cross to the chin, I began to tell them why they should stop this crap.
First off this kid is dressed in all that Azreal of the Abyss crap Gear wearing Trent Reznor buttons the Cure and a Marilyn Manson Shirt .
( Hence a really spoiled rich or middle class brat who is full of there own shit, and this self made sacrifice on the streets is there way of Hurting Mommy and Daddy back in the Valley)
So my first question to this person is why are you begging for money,
There response is they "don't believe in a job" and " that there a Human being with a free sprit " blah blah fucking Blah now pay attention class, this kid says because he don't believe in a job .
"NOT ... My old man lost his job and we lost all our shit sad story .. "
( Which again wouldn't work for me because this kid is can work .)
No. they said " I don't want to work because I am full of shit now give me some of your hard earned money ."
Then they go into this rant about there " rebels Like Marylin M " again more senseless bullshit .
Usually I would of already bashed this kids head in yelling at them that " there are kids your age crossing the fucking desert to come here to work and you don't want to you ungrateful spoiled little shit "" .
But I didn't ..
Instead I felt obligated to inform them that there whole philosophy is based on nothing.
Because you truly cant be against the establishment and leach money off the working Man/Woman the working man, in ethics is who all your efforts of fighting the system are supposed to benefit.
So what you think cause you have a Marlyn Manson shirt that means your a rebel .
Manson makes a living selling his merchandise you idiot and the Key word you useless shit is he makes a LIVING he pays taxes . ( oh what a rebel)
If you really wanna stick it to the man why don't you, rob a bank or something go to prison.
But before you go get a tattoo on your back , so your cell mate has something to read while he's ramming, start a Cult this is LA this town's always up for that kind of shit .
But please take your over Privileged spoiled well to do ass out of here call mom on your Razor and have Pops pick you up in the BMW and leave these streets to the poor boozed up Crack infested BUMS , and the real misfortunate Homeless people ( and yes there is a difference between the 2 ) that at times over run the streets of L.A. and probably wherever you live .
I walked by there a couple days ago and I didn't see them .
I have seen these same kids before, there new to the block this is there second day on the strip, I say all this because I usually am not within an earshot of these kids so I honestly never pay them any mind .
Now I am not one to pick on the misfortunate ( that goes against my therapy but Oh who the Fuck am I kidding, yeah I do kind of pick on the misfortunate but in all actualities I pick on anyone and everyone)
Let me rephrase what I'm saying, I have sympathy, I have sympathy ??!!!?
Yes mother fucker I have fucking Sympathy for an elderly person whose down on his luck cause you never know what happened to them so THAT'S RIGHT I AM KIND and the key word is old person here lets clarify .
But Teenagers !!!!
Argh These fucking kids pissed me off anyway back to the story.
So this kid asks me for some change and I told them naturally ............. no(Naturally )
And before they could respond with some comment that would land them a right cross to the chin, I began to tell them why they should stop this crap.
First off this kid is dressed in all that Azreal of the Abyss crap Gear wearing Trent Reznor buttons the Cure and a Marilyn Manson Shirt .
( Hence a really spoiled rich or middle class brat who is full of there own shit, and this self made sacrifice on the streets is there way of Hurting Mommy and Daddy back in the Valley)
So my first question to this person is why are you begging for money,
There response is they "don't believe in a job" and " that there a Human being with a free sprit " blah blah fucking Blah now pay attention class, this kid says because he don't believe in a job .
"NOT ... My old man lost his job and we lost all our shit sad story .. "
( Which again wouldn't work for me because this kid is can work .)
No. they said " I don't want to work because I am full of shit now give me some of your hard earned money ."
Then they go into this rant about there " rebels Like Marylin M " again more senseless bullshit .
Usually I would of already bashed this kids head in yelling at them that " there are kids your age crossing the fucking desert to come here to work and you don't want to you ungrateful spoiled little shit "" .
But I didn't ..
Instead I felt obligated to inform them that there whole philosophy is based on nothing.
Because you truly cant be against the establishment and leach money off the working Man/Woman the working man, in ethics is who all your efforts of fighting the system are supposed to benefit.
So what you think cause you have a Marlyn Manson shirt that means your a rebel .
Manson makes a living selling his merchandise you idiot and the Key word you useless shit is he makes a LIVING he pays taxes . ( oh what a rebel)
If you really wanna stick it to the man why don't you, rob a bank or something go to prison.
But before you go get a tattoo on your back , so your cell mate has something to read while he's ramming, start a Cult this is LA this town's always up for that kind of shit .
But please take your over Privileged spoiled well to do ass out of here call mom on your Razor and have Pops pick you up in the BMW and leave these streets to the poor boozed up Crack infested BUMS , and the real misfortunate Homeless people ( and yes there is a difference between the 2 ) that at times over run the streets of L.A. and probably wherever you live .
I walked by there a couple days ago and I didn't see them .
Bathroom Etiquette
There was some savage pissing in the middle urinal.
This goes against every imaginable guy code. This is on the lines of sleeping with your buddy's ex-girlfriend, sister or dog. More future thinking generations will, no doubt, have these sorry individuals casterated on Fox News.
Not that this is the worst offense. Worse than this, of course, is when you're peeing at the far side urinal (following standard protocol and procedure) and some jones comes in and decides to go in the middle urinal. Worse than that is if said sorry individual decides to attempt witty banter or banter of any degree.
As of late I've been paying more and more attention to this as I've been increasing the amount of water that I've been drinking. I'm told it's good for me but seriously, peeing every hour makes me feel like a ten year old girl. Then again, it does get me away from the desk and that… after all… is pretty much the whole battle with this creature named work.
My favorite move is proving you’re peeing. With so many men suffering from stage fright these days there has been a ridiculous amount of letting everybody else knowing you're peeing. For instance, you're in the bathroom, far urinal or at least one not in the middle or nearest the sink… you’re having a glorious time taking snipes at a little fleck of dirt that has found its’ way into the urinal. There is nobody in there so you're following protocol.
Then, in a similar fashion, the next guy enters the bathroom and he too following protocol jumps into the stall or into another urinal not directly next to you.
Now you, in order to prove that you don't have stage fright, from someone opening the door, focus your pee into the water as loud as you can so that they know you don't have stage fright. While the other jones makes spitting noises while trying to get the great pee engine going and thus proving he doesn't have stage fright.
And so the wicked dance continues.
Official Song While Peeing: Float On by Modest Mouse
This goes against every imaginable guy code. This is on the lines of sleeping with your buddy's ex-girlfriend, sister or dog. More future thinking generations will, no doubt, have these sorry individuals casterated on Fox News.
Not that this is the worst offense. Worse than this, of course, is when you're peeing at the far side urinal (following standard protocol and procedure) and some jones comes in and decides to go in the middle urinal. Worse than that is if said sorry individual decides to attempt witty banter or banter of any degree.
As of late I've been paying more and more attention to this as I've been increasing the amount of water that I've been drinking. I'm told it's good for me but seriously, peeing every hour makes me feel like a ten year old girl. Then again, it does get me away from the desk and that… after all… is pretty much the whole battle with this creature named work.
My favorite move is proving you’re peeing. With so many men suffering from stage fright these days there has been a ridiculous amount of letting everybody else knowing you're peeing. For instance, you're in the bathroom, far urinal or at least one not in the middle or nearest the sink… you’re having a glorious time taking snipes at a little fleck of dirt that has found its’ way into the urinal. There is nobody in there so you're following protocol.
Then, in a similar fashion, the next guy enters the bathroom and he too following protocol jumps into the stall or into another urinal not directly next to you.
Now you, in order to prove that you don't have stage fright, from someone opening the door, focus your pee into the water as loud as you can so that they know you don't have stage fright. While the other jones makes spitting noises while trying to get the great pee engine going and thus proving he doesn't have stage fright.
And so the wicked dance continues.
Official Song While Peeing: Float On by Modest Mouse
Thursday, July 13, 2006
I'm saving Lives
So I was in my group Last week.
( And for those of you who did not know I am in Anger Rehab )
Were all going around the circle of patience giving introductions
( "hi I'm ken and I get mad" , "Hi My name is Brenda and I set my Husbands Scrotum on Fire ")
That got your attention didn't it.
We had several new people in the class and one of them lets call him Brad .
Starts off hi My name is Brad ..
First off Brad is WAYYYYY TO fucking happy to be here .
And secondly he proudly Mentions that he's from Utah ..
Utah are you fucking kidding me .
Is it cool to even say that your from Utah I mean to admit that in Public ?
Anyway so Brad keeps going with his really chipper ass about how he's really relived to be here and I lost it .
I ask him "Hey Guy fucking Smiley why exactly are you fucking here "
Turns out that Brad was sent here because in his Mormon Parish little Brad drinks way to much Coffee and then he becomes violent .
A violent Mormon is there such a thing ?
So I asked him what did you do Wild Bill .
He goes into this whole ordeal about how he goes on line and orders tons of Folgers Crystals snorts it, and drives thru the town swearing at the locals Yelling out
" I wont have 2 wives !! ya hear me Jebadiah I wont have two wives !!
After hearing his story the group therapist kicked him out of the class and prescribed him some Prozac.
I gave him 100 bucks told him to get a lady of the evening and forget about Utah.
Oddly enough Brad came back to pay me of all people a visit, yesterday he gave me $200 bucks and told me thank you for the idea of the lady of the evening , he told me he had an epiphany in mid thrust that the real reason he wanted to leave his town is that he wanted to be an adult star .
I can respectfully say our man Brad landed a job in the Valley doing Porn what kind it don't matter I saved a young man from destroying Utah because he wanted to be a Horn dog .
( And for those of you who did not know I am in Anger Rehab )
Were all going around the circle of patience giving introductions
( "hi I'm ken and I get mad" , "Hi My name is Brenda and I set my Husbands Scrotum on Fire ")
That got your attention didn't it.
We had several new people in the class and one of them lets call him Brad .
Starts off hi My name is Brad ..
First off Brad is WAYYYYY TO fucking happy to be here .
And secondly he proudly Mentions that he's from Utah ..
Utah are you fucking kidding me .
Is it cool to even say that your from Utah I mean to admit that in Public ?
Anyway so Brad keeps going with his really chipper ass about how he's really relived to be here and I lost it .
I ask him "Hey Guy fucking Smiley why exactly are you fucking here "
Turns out that Brad was sent here because in his Mormon Parish little Brad drinks way to much Coffee and then he becomes violent .
A violent Mormon is there such a thing ?
So I asked him what did you do Wild Bill .
He goes into this whole ordeal about how he goes on line and orders tons of Folgers Crystals snorts it, and drives thru the town swearing at the locals Yelling out
" I wont have 2 wives !! ya hear me Jebadiah I wont have two wives !!
After hearing his story the group therapist kicked him out of the class and prescribed him some Prozac.
I gave him 100 bucks told him to get a lady of the evening and forget about Utah.
Oddly enough Brad came back to pay me of all people a visit, yesterday he gave me $200 bucks and told me thank you for the idea of the lady of the evening , he told me he had an epiphany in mid thrust that the real reason he wanted to leave his town is that he wanted to be an adult star .
I can respectfully say our man Brad landed a job in the Valley doing Porn what kind it don't matter I saved a young man from destroying Utah because he wanted to be a Horn dog .
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Sorry Charlie indeed
Leave it to the Russian Mob to exploit the most secret and personal fetishes out there
Fish masturbation .
That's right I didn't stutter .
What it is what it sounds like and it's big business in underground fish markets all over Europe and some here in The U.S
Fish Brothels are popping up everywhere and the Russian Mob is capitalizing .
What they do is you pick a fish with the Proper Mouth requirements that can accommodate your size.
They file down the teeth for the not so adventureous as so it wont graze the Skin unless you like that kind of thing .
Of course you have the guy whose ego is out of control so he would want a tiger Shark but you get the point .
So Like I was saying they wait until the guys is in full Fish jerk then they bust in take Pictures of the poor horny soul and extort millions depending on who that person is .
Then if you choose not to pay they take the Jizz filled Flounder and feed it to that persons family .
And of course they would post your Picture on the internet if you choose not to pay.
Fish masturbation .
That's right I didn't stutter .
What it is what it sounds like and it's big business in underground fish markets all over Europe and some here in The U.S
Fish Brothels are popping up everywhere and the Russian Mob is capitalizing .
What they do is you pick a fish with the Proper Mouth requirements that can accommodate your size.
They file down the teeth for the not so adventureous as so it wont graze the Skin unless you like that kind of thing .
Of course you have the guy whose ego is out of control so he would want a tiger Shark but you get the point .
So Like I was saying they wait until the guys is in full Fish jerk then they bust in take Pictures of the poor horny soul and extort millions depending on who that person is .
Then if you choose not to pay they take the Jizz filled Flounder and feed it to that persons family .
And of course they would post your Picture on the internet if you choose not to pay.
Aquaman SuperHero or Terrorist
Because I put the Special in Special Interest group.
Mule and I have decided to take on the ancient debate of :
Is Aquaman the most Dangerous Super Hero
We live in perilous times the threat of Global Warming threatens the very fabric of our existence and who would benefit Aquaman..
It's no secret that he is a far cry from the land loving hero from the late 70 early 80s Super friends episodes no friends he is far worse .
His hatred for the surface dwellers runs deep and part of that is our fault We are all aware that Aquaman has telepathic Powers with the beast of the sea and we are all aware that he really is the mastermind behind North Korea's constant attempt at Nuclear weapons .
There is documented proof of a long bearded blond figure standing ominously behind Kim ill
Mule and I have decided to take on the ancient debate of :
Is Aquaman the most Dangerous Super Hero
We live in perilous times the threat of Global Warming threatens the very fabric of our existence and who would benefit Aquaman..
It's no secret that he is a far cry from the land loving hero from the late 70 early 80s Super friends episodes no friends he is far worse .
His hatred for the surface dwellers runs deep and part of that is our fault We are all aware that Aquaman has telepathic Powers with the beast of the sea and we are all aware that he really is the mastermind behind North Korea's constant attempt at Nuclear weapons .
There is documented proof of a long bearded blond figure standing ominously behind Kim ill
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Big Trouble in Little Canada
Scene I
Car
Characters: Mule & Remo
Mule [staring out the window]: Do you think Brad Pitt would come to our next video game party if he brought either of his hot wives and knew that we were going to stare at her (them) thus enabling him to win?
Remo [concentrating on driving]: No, no &… no. Orlando Blume might though.
Mule: Is Keira Knightly his wife?
Remo: No. Not in real life.
Mule: Do you think his wife in real life is hot?
Remo: No, probably not. He probably married her before he got famous and was unemployed. Unemployed people don't land babes.
Mule [disappointed]: Do you think that he could bring Keira Knightly? Maybe they're friends.
Remo: No.
-
Scene II
Upon the completion of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Characters: Mule & Remo
Mule: Do you think we could take Chow Yun-Fat in a fight if we would've dedicated our lives to the study of martial arts?
Remo: Are we fighting him at the same time or one on one? If one on one, which one of us would fight him first and which one of us would fight him second? Would they be on the same day? Right after each other? Would he have a break, a geisha?
Mule: I don't know?
Remo: No.
Mule: What do you mean?
Remo: No. We could not take him in a fight. Ever.
Mule [after a pause]: Do you think we could beat him in video games?
Remo: No.
Car
Characters: Mule & Remo
Mule [staring out the window]: Do you think Brad Pitt would come to our next video game party if he brought either of his hot wives and knew that we were going to stare at her (them) thus enabling him to win?
Remo [concentrating on driving]: No, no &… no. Orlando Blume might though.
Mule: Is Keira Knightly his wife?
Remo: No. Not in real life.
Mule: Do you think his wife in real life is hot?
Remo: No, probably not. He probably married her before he got famous and was unemployed. Unemployed people don't land babes.
Mule [disappointed]: Do you think that he could bring Keira Knightly? Maybe they're friends.
Remo: No.
-
Scene II
Upon the completion of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Characters: Mule & Remo
Mule: Do you think we could take Chow Yun-Fat in a fight if we would've dedicated our lives to the study of martial arts?
Remo: Are we fighting him at the same time or one on one? If one on one, which one of us would fight him first and which one of us would fight him second? Would they be on the same day? Right after each other? Would he have a break, a geisha?
Mule: I don't know?
Remo: No.
Mule: What do you mean?
Remo: No. We could not take him in a fight. Ever.
Mule [after a pause]: Do you think we could beat him in video games?
Remo: No.
Monday, July 10, 2006
The Times to Show Mercy
My therapists said I need to come to grips with my anger in order to heal .
I told him to Fuck off with that Pussy ass crap and he had me sent to non violent rehab facility nuzzled in our little town of Los Angeles
What they do is they put you in the happy jacket , a very thick padded room and play classical music for 4 hours a day .
Then you get to go outside for 2 hours a day under heavy sedation or extreme supervision .
My outside Privileges ended after my third attempt of making a run for it .
Local Law enforcement and the simple townsfolk frown when they see a man running down there block in a Straight Jacket hell I made it to Hollywood and Vine and I couldn't Score a hooker they were all scared cause I was breathing all heavy and I had a Straight Jacket partially on . ...
Anyway the real reason for my email is to share a little list I have started the purpose of the list is to remind myself to break old habits, and try more peaceful ones hence the Title .
The Times to show Mercy .
Don't push Blind People out of your way just so you can beat them to the Bus.
Don't Push the Handicapped out of your way just so you can beat them to the bus and then tell the driver there not coming .
Just don't push people in general not even the elderly( ha ha ha they bruise so easily though omg !!)
Letting Mule or Harmon live another day .
Sharing a 12 pack is good buying beer fo minors then beating them up to take it back is just silly .
Sharing anything with anybody at any given time is good .
A little Child has the right to stick there tongue out at me .I don't however have the right to throw broken glass at them .
Urinating on people Because they disagree with me is Wrong ? ? Yes it's Wrong !
You should tip the Stripper after the dance, hell you should just pay them, for the dance in the first place .
I will keep on adding to my list .
I told him to Fuck off with that Pussy ass crap and he had me sent to non violent rehab facility nuzzled in our little town of Los Angeles
What they do is they put you in the happy jacket , a very thick padded room and play classical music for 4 hours a day .
Then you get to go outside for 2 hours a day under heavy sedation or extreme supervision .
My outside Privileges ended after my third attempt of making a run for it .
Local Law enforcement and the simple townsfolk frown when they see a man running down there block in a Straight Jacket hell I made it to Hollywood and Vine and I couldn't Score a hooker they were all scared cause I was breathing all heavy and I had a Straight Jacket partially on . ...
Anyway the real reason for my email is to share a little list I have started the purpose of the list is to remind myself to break old habits, and try more peaceful ones hence the Title .
The Times to show Mercy .
Don't push Blind People out of your way just so you can beat them to the Bus.
Don't Push the Handicapped out of your way just so you can beat them to the bus and then tell the driver there not coming .
Just don't push people in general not even the elderly( ha ha ha they bruise so easily though omg !!)
Letting Mule or Harmon live another day .
Sharing a 12 pack is good buying beer fo minors then beating them up to take it back is just silly .
Sharing anything with anybody at any given time is good .
A little Child has the right to stick there tongue out at me .I don't however have the right to throw broken glass at them .
Urinating on people Because they disagree with me is Wrong ? ? Yes it's Wrong !
You should tip the Stripper after the dance, hell you should just pay them, for the dance in the first place .
I will keep on adding to my list .
su-perb.
$3.41 - the price of a gallon of "select" milk at rainbow foods this time last year? a grande skim mocha at caribou? a hot dog and a soda from a street vendor? or, is it the price for a gallon of gas at the bp on armitage and ashland in chicago? if you said the latter, damn, you're either from chicago or a pretty good pessimist (in this case though, you'd be upgraded to "realist").
in an attempt to damn the man (and save the empire), i mapped out a route for public transporting myself to work. it involved quite the intricate beehive of walking, el train, metra train and bike. it also amounted to a one-way trip of 60 minutes and a total of aprox. $9/day (monthly train passes would bring it down slightly, but not much).
by car, my route is less than 30 miles. my car gets 28 - 30 mpg. this means, that on a hot, traffiky day, at $3/gallon i will spend a total of $6. with price hikes, we go to $6.82. 85% of the time, my commute lasts between 40 and 60 min. 2% of the time, i'm at 30 min, and 12% i'm at 1.5+ hours.
hissing and spitting (a la pedro), i have resolved myself to the blue vehicle that has been my mobile home since 1997, and have been praying ever since for the little car angels to help us along and be blessed with another year's worth of travels.
my question: who is the man? i would really like to damn him, but i cant seem to find a way to do it.
in an attempt to damn the man (and save the empire), i mapped out a route for public transporting myself to work. it involved quite the intricate beehive of walking, el train, metra train and bike. it also amounted to a one-way trip of 60 minutes and a total of aprox. $9/day (monthly train passes would bring it down slightly, but not much).
by car, my route is less than 30 miles. my car gets 28 - 30 mpg. this means, that on a hot, traffiky day, at $3/gallon i will spend a total of $6. with price hikes, we go to $6.82. 85% of the time, my commute lasts between 40 and 60 min. 2% of the time, i'm at 30 min, and 12% i'm at 1.5+ hours.
hissing and spitting (a la pedro), i have resolved myself to the blue vehicle that has been my mobile home since 1997, and have been praying ever since for the little car angels to help us along and be blessed with another year's worth of travels.
my question: who is the man? i would really like to damn him, but i cant seem to find a way to do it.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Short Cuts
got the worst haircut of my life on Sunday. since then people have either assumed that the draft has been reinstated and i'm off to boot camp where i can lose a little weight. "what do you have here? an 8 week program? that's perfect for me. i'm gonna be a lean, mean, fighting machine." or they assume that i've taken my love for fight club to dangerous new levels and i'm just waiting for tyler durden to smack the back of my head and tell me i'm a space monkey ready to be shot into space.
lyndsey from st. paul you may not want to read from here on out.
looking to kill time i popped into the ol' great clips on snelling and grand for a quick cut. after this atrocity i'm thinking of petitioning them to change their name to Poor to Very Poor Clips. i'm still spitballing ideas though. so lyndsey sits me down in her chair and starts chatting and cutting and chatting some more. about 30 minutes in i realize that at this pace i'll have my hair cut by august 12th. i'm conflicted because this will save me another haircut in august but - y'know - i'd like to do some other shit in the next month so maybe we should pick it up a bit.
35th minute - i resolve to give yes/no answers to her incessant questions in an effort to stop distracting her. lyndsey, undeterred, launches into a diatribe about the founder of juut salon who lives in burnsville. the conversation king has died, long live the monologue king.
42nd minute - i contemplate if one car garages are inherently sexist and if so, who are they sexizing? meanwhile lyndsey knicks my noggin with the razor again.
53rd minute - i realize "knicks my noggin" sounds vaguely like a slang term for something sexual, which regrettably it is not. lyndsey takes 35 excruciating seconds to snip an eighth of an inch off my forehead.
59th minute - i try not to scream. seriously. it's all i can do to not smack her hand and shave my head myself. my haircuts usually take about 15-20 minutes by the way.
67th minute - i make a call for the bullpen. as politely as possible i let lyndsey know that i need to go and that someone else needs to finish up. she takes it in stride. she's a sweet girl and i hate doing it to her but for the love of fuck i need to not look like some boseephus off the bus from mobile, alabammy even less.
79th minute - new girl wraps up the reclamation project. on the plus side i no longer have a gigantic hair divot on the top of my head. on the negative side my gourd looks like a dark brown tennis ball. a really fucking big one.
84th minute - lyndsey offers me a line of shampoos to combat my dry scalp problems. i think to myself that my scalp isn't that dry and realize she was probably just shaving off healthy skin. i pay and leave.
86th minute - i have a good cry in the car.
okay i didn't have a good cry or even a bad one. but it was fucking justified.
that evening - in a sign of solidarity my goatee demands to be shaved crazy short. the goat knows how to keep us all looking good and does his part. i comply.
lyndsey from st. paul you may not want to read from here on out.
looking to kill time i popped into the ol' great clips on snelling and grand for a quick cut. after this atrocity i'm thinking of petitioning them to change their name to Poor to Very Poor Clips. i'm still spitballing ideas though. so lyndsey sits me down in her chair and starts chatting and cutting and chatting some more. about 30 minutes in i realize that at this pace i'll have my hair cut by august 12th. i'm conflicted because this will save me another haircut in august but - y'know - i'd like to do some other shit in the next month so maybe we should pick it up a bit.
35th minute - i resolve to give yes/no answers to her incessant questions in an effort to stop distracting her. lyndsey, undeterred, launches into a diatribe about the founder of juut salon who lives in burnsville. the conversation king has died, long live the monologue king.
42nd minute - i contemplate if one car garages are inherently sexist and if so, who are they sexizing? meanwhile lyndsey knicks my noggin with the razor again.
53rd minute - i realize "knicks my noggin" sounds vaguely like a slang term for something sexual, which regrettably it is not. lyndsey takes 35 excruciating seconds to snip an eighth of an inch off my forehead.
59th minute - i try not to scream. seriously. it's all i can do to not smack her hand and shave my head myself. my haircuts usually take about 15-20 minutes by the way.
67th minute - i make a call for the bullpen. as politely as possible i let lyndsey know that i need to go and that someone else needs to finish up. she takes it in stride. she's a sweet girl and i hate doing it to her but for the love of fuck i need to not look like some boseephus off the bus from mobile, alabammy even less.
79th minute - new girl wraps up the reclamation project. on the plus side i no longer have a gigantic hair divot on the top of my head. on the negative side my gourd looks like a dark brown tennis ball. a really fucking big one.
84th minute - lyndsey offers me a line of shampoos to combat my dry scalp problems. i think to myself that my scalp isn't that dry and realize she was probably just shaving off healthy skin. i pay and leave.
86th minute - i have a good cry in the car.
okay i didn't have a good cry or even a bad one. but it was fucking justified.
that evening - in a sign of solidarity my goatee demands to be shaved crazy short. the goat knows how to keep us all looking good and does his part. i comply.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
What Price Freedom?
ROSEVILLE, MN- Craig Doreson, 27, fails to see the freedom in Freedom week. "It's not like anybody stops harping on me just because it's a fucking holiday. But this is Freedom day and it's like they don't even know what it means. I mean it's not like it's Christmas and everybody should be getting me something or something, just fucking gimme a break."
Most notably Doreson is quick to site his dictorial girlfriend of two years. "[She] always tells me what to do. You know, she always wants to go someplace classy, like Subway. But what sort of country is this if a man can't tell his woman let's go for roast beef sandwiches at Arby's?"
And his freedom is further compromised by his parents.
"All day Mom is fucking harping on me: Get a job, stop playing video games, clean the bathrooms, at least turn the porn off while I'm in the room."
Doreson, an area man, has been pursuing an emancipation law suit against his parents for the past seven years. "It makes it a little awkward at the dinner table but, hey man, you gotta stick up for your rights. That's what this fucking holiday is all about."
Thus far, Doreson has hit road blocks with the court system. The legal precedent that has been enacted in prior cases does not pertain to Doreson as he is not being held against his will, is not a a minor and not being forced to even perform the menial task of mowing the back lawn which Doreson's father states is "not really that big". Doreson still, however, remaioptimistictic.
Doreson, digs through his parent's basement fridge pulling out a push-pop and a frozen pizza, then concludes the interview with: "I guess Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. Wanna go play some Halo or something?"
Most notably Doreson is quick to site his dictorial girlfriend of two years. "[She] always tells me what to do. You know, she always wants to go someplace classy, like Subway. But what sort of country is this if a man can't tell his woman let's go for roast beef sandwiches at Arby's?"
And his freedom is further compromised by his parents.
"All day Mom is fucking harping on me: Get a job, stop playing video games, clean the bathrooms, at least turn the porn off while I'm in the room."
Doreson, an area man, has been pursuing an emancipation law suit against his parents for the past seven years. "It makes it a little awkward at the dinner table but, hey man, you gotta stick up for your rights. That's what this fucking holiday is all about."
Thus far, Doreson has hit road blocks with the court system. The legal precedent that has been enacted in prior cases does not pertain to Doreson as he is not being held against his will, is not a a minor and not being forced to even perform the menial task of mowing the back lawn which Doreson's father states is "not really that big". Doreson still, however, remaioptimistictic.
Doreson, digs through his parent's basement fridge pulling out a push-pop and a frozen pizza, then concludes the interview with: "I guess Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. Wanna go play some Halo or something?"
Monday, July 03, 2006
Just what do you think you're telling me?
opened up the ol' star and tribune this weekend. i like reading about stuff. i pulled off one of the annoying ads and, before tossing it to the coffee table with the other refuse, i happened to take a look at the ad. it was, in a word, retarded. so retarded that it stopped me cold in it's blatant retardism. i'm not one to look at ads that aren't for women's lingerie or plasma tv's but this one caught my eye.
the ad featured the retard from american idol, taylor hicks. it also featured a ford car. the images were split and covered the entire above the fold part of the page. the bottom half had the standard boilerplate for car sales ads. that's it. i think there may have been a small blurb about "being bold". that's it.
so we have a photo of some douche from american idol that clearly has nothing to do with the car ad. it's obviously just a stock photo of the guy seeming happy. and by "happy" i mean it seems like he has a gigantic black Rambone TM brand dildo shoved up his butt and he enjoys said feeling immensely. then we have the picture of the car (to it's credit it doesn't seem particularly concerned with taylor hicks ample trunk space).
so what the hell is this ad? are they telling me that taylor hicks likes ford so i should too? are they telling me that taylor hicks kinda likes fords but not enough to do a real ad where he's actually in the same fucking frame as the car he's trying to get me to buy? do the ad execs think just by throwing two things on the same page i'll assume they're big fans of one another? what the hell is this stuff? and frankly, how can i get a job doing it because i know these jackasses make some coin.
marketing is a weird thing. i'm not a fan of course. i bought a tivo just to save myself from these idiots and voila, now i can actually watch tv again without wanting to hurt someone while simultaneously buying a sweet new lawnmower at Home Depot (no interest til '07 on any purchase over $299? sign me up!). i'm about as militant as someone can be for someone sitting on the couch with some salsa and chips. i hate ads. hate 'em. i think they're kinda demeaning and lowest common denominator stuff when it boils down to it. and i don't like feeling manipulated. so i buy tivo to avoid tv commercials and listen to public radio pledge drives to avoid listening to crap on the radio. i'm the jackass who won't buy a shirt with a label on it. if i could somehow where blinders to avoid billboards i'd do that too but that just seems like overreaction.
i'm relatively comfortable knowing that somewhere, possibly in Ohio, someone is working to get me to buy more Ding Dongs this year. i'm okay with that i think. it's just the execution that irritates me.
the ad featured the retard from american idol, taylor hicks. it also featured a ford car. the images were split and covered the entire above the fold part of the page. the bottom half had the standard boilerplate for car sales ads. that's it. i think there may have been a small blurb about "being bold". that's it.
so we have a photo of some douche from american idol that clearly has nothing to do with the car ad. it's obviously just a stock photo of the guy seeming happy. and by "happy" i mean it seems like he has a gigantic black Rambone TM brand dildo shoved up his butt and he enjoys said feeling immensely. then we have the picture of the car (to it's credit it doesn't seem particularly concerned with taylor hicks ample trunk space).
so what the hell is this ad? are they telling me that taylor hicks likes ford so i should too? are they telling me that taylor hicks kinda likes fords but not enough to do a real ad where he's actually in the same fucking frame as the car he's trying to get me to buy? do the ad execs think just by throwing two things on the same page i'll assume they're big fans of one another? what the hell is this stuff? and frankly, how can i get a job doing it because i know these jackasses make some coin.
marketing is a weird thing. i'm not a fan of course. i bought a tivo just to save myself from these idiots and voila, now i can actually watch tv again without wanting to hurt someone while simultaneously buying a sweet new lawnmower at Home Depot (no interest til '07 on any purchase over $299? sign me up!). i'm about as militant as someone can be for someone sitting on the couch with some salsa and chips. i hate ads. hate 'em. i think they're kinda demeaning and lowest common denominator stuff when it boils down to it. and i don't like feeling manipulated. so i buy tivo to avoid tv commercials and listen to public radio pledge drives to avoid listening to crap on the radio. i'm the jackass who won't buy a shirt with a label on it. if i could somehow where blinders to avoid billboards i'd do that too but that just seems like overreaction.
i'm relatively comfortable knowing that somewhere, possibly in Ohio, someone is working to get me to buy more Ding Dongs this year. i'm okay with that i think. it's just the execution that irritates me.
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