Has anybody here seen my old friend Tom?

it all started off kinda weird, i'm not gonna lie, at the time i thought it was an odd way to start a friendship. him on the radio and me in my car (or possibly my garage doing some cleaning). sure it was peculiar. but he kept on telling me he was my friend and eventually i believed him. on the way to work in the morning he'd talk to me in between cock rock on 93x. on the way home listening to sports updates on kfan he'd be there. always. i'm your friend. i'm your friend. why wouldn't i believe him? i value persistence in my friends so he was obviously playing me just right.

turns out Tom Shane is not a very good friend. he never calls. i have friends that i only speak to once or twice a year but they're still better buddies than Tom Shane. he never wants to just hang out either. he's always working. always traveling to bangkok or tahiti or other exotic places. i have other friends that go to cool and interesting new places but they don't lord it over on me. my other friends also don't use the radio. Tom Shane uses it exclusively. he's like the friend that gets a sweet walkie talkie set and then just wants to talk to you on that even though he's in the kitchen making a samich while you're 12 feet away in the living room watching the game. he's that kind of guy. just with radio instead of kmart walkie talkies. admittedly he probably paid more for the use of the radio but it still seems like a jerky move to me.

Tom Shane never goes to the movies with me. i've never had to say "stop hogging all the popcorn Tom Shane." never had to give him a nasty look as we listen to our shared bag of reese's pieces fall out of his lap onto the floor and roll down the aisle. Tom Shane doesn't do movies.

Tom Shane won't go out to lunch with me either. even when i showed up at his fabulous store in golden valley he still said no. that's a long drive for me Tom Shane, you could at least go to applebees for a Take Two platter combo, i would have shared dessert. but noooooo he won't even come out and talk. at least i got a good deal on a set of jamaican pearls. thanks for the discount buddy. you don't pay retail when your buddy owns the store.

i think i'm gonna stop talking to Tom Shane. he's too businessy for me y'know? take a load off Tom Shane. put your dogs up and have a margarita every now and again. why is it always about work with you? i'm done. i'm out. maybe i'll call you when i have an anniversary or something and we can work out a deal. i mean, that's why people have a friend in the diamond business right?