Todd Dancer is an Idiot

Sorry for the delay people.  Todd went in and changed all of our passwords and whatnot.  To be honest Mule and I didn’t think he’d be able to figure this whole blogging thing out so we didn’t protect ourselves from the idiot’s wrath.  Here at BMC headquarters we promise to do a better job of locking down the facility.  I can only apologize to anyone who had to read Todd’s post.  He’s not terribly bright.  We will, on occasion, let him out of the cage to post something just so we look incredibly clever compared to him.  But he should be kept under wraps for the most part.  
Mule’s out on a little vacation.  He’s doing a little recon on some mountainous regions in Tibet for us.  We’ve decided that the best way to deal with the problems of the world is to form a monastery on a mountaintop.  The people we hate are universally lazy and unwilling to climb any mountains so we should be safe from them.  The people we like a little bit will only climb half way before they realize that they’re climbing a mountain just to see us and they’ll probably turn around and go back.  We’ll set up a temple or offering table about halfway up the mountain so that they can leave us gifts like meat and cheese trays and jugs of port wine or Hamm’s beer.  Mule likes his Hamm’s.  And it’s true, after drinking Hamm’s and nothing but Hamm’s for a weekend your stomach rots away and you become like a goose and everything just goes straight from the throat right to the pooper.  It’s not pleasant but it is cheap beer so what else can you ask for?  
The people that really like us will probably make it all the way up the mountain.  We are, by our very nature, not the most gracious of hosts though so we would put them to work in our garden on the southern slope.  After a few weeks of tilling the earth for us they would get sick of it and go back to their every day lives.  But we won’t care, we’ll have fresh chives and carrots to sustain us thanks to their labor.  We hope to spread our friends out a bit throughout the year so we can avoid working as much as possible.  We’ll probably bill the whole thing as a religious experience and get the pampered masses to pay us a couple thousand to come and stay with us and grow us food.  We’ll put them up with a robe and a mat of bamboo in a visitor’s temple and let them feel holy.  We’d feel bad about this but let’s face it, it’s going to cost us a lot of money to wire our temple on the top of a mountain in Tibet with Tivo and satellite TV and widescreen plasmas and xbox 360s.  We’re not a religion so much as we are guys who find it vaguely spiritual to have a killer DVD collection.  And surround sound in a temple on top of a mountain costs money people!  So come on up to the mountain and we’ll set you up with some rice (if you’ll carry it from the base of the mountain).  In lieu of cash we will accept copious amounts of booze.  It is a weakness.  
On a side note, if anyone knows what kind of acreage it takes to raise some goats or small cattle let me know.  I’m assuming people will have the good sense to bring us ribs and steaks and stuff and leave it at the offering table but once I’m on the mountain I don’t plan on coming down a lot.  Don’t worry though, we’ll definitely keep on writing this blog while we’re up there.  We’ll need the internet for our “alone” time purposes so we may as well fill you in on what it’s like to be quasi-monklike.  
One last thing, you’ll note the lack of Sherpa jokes in this post even though it’s about a mountain in Asia.  Thanks to the incredible amounts of lame sherpa jokes we’ve heard lately we will not be able to use them.  You sitcom writers just put a lot of good people out of work because every time you have your plucky couple climb the stairs in their apartment building they ask for their sherpa.  It’s unacceptable and we can’t condone that sort of lame joke persisting on our mountaintop.  If you’re cool and have a killer DVD collection that you’d like to share with us, let us know and we’ll consider allowing you a trial monk-hood in our monastery.  Please note that if it doesn’t work out personality-wise, we do withhold all DVD’s presented in good faith.  Consider it a sacrifice or something.