When I was a kid I had that bizarre thing that people do where they want all their favorite celebs to be friends and hang out and love each other. And it really bothered me when they didn’t like each other. Of course in my little mind I had Kent Hrbek and Kirby Puckett hanging out with the likes of Slash from Guns n’ Fuckin’ Roses and Michael Keaton in his Batman days. I think Steve Mcqueen may have even been involved in the group, but that was more about impressing my dad. In my 14 year old brain it made total sense that these people would all like each other because they would of course be united by their common bond, me, and therefore think that everyone else was cool as hell too. Meredith Baxter-Birney would serve us tacos by the pool while we sat around mocking Top Gun and Blossom’s friend Six would swim around playfully waiting for me to hop in the pool with her.
Of course now I’ve grown up and I realize that most people in the public eye are too busy doing their things (whatever they may be) to notice what the other kids are doing. Or when they do they end up noticing they totally ruin it for everyone else. I’m sure the 3 people on the planet that actually like Jimmy Fallon weren’t too happy to see him destroying their Red Sox moment. For the record Jimmy Fallon is a douche. This is the reason why people are all fired up about the whole Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston thing falling apart. Most people liked both of them and wanted to sleep with at least one of them as well. But if they couldn’t sleep with Jen, they were happy she had someone equally good looking to hang out with. I dunno, maybe I’m wrong on that, but I do know most guys wouldn’t mind looking like Brad Pitt and going home to Jen every night. Now that’s all gone and it confuses people’s little dreams.
Anyway, back to Stapp and 311. Stapp was the former frontman of Creed and one of the top 5 douches on the planet. For one thing he thinks he’s Christ, which is only cool if you are indeed Christ. But I think even Jesus would be lowkey about it. He’s humble after all. For another, Creed sucked in a way that has been rarely seen in recent years. Sure the fuzzy bible type crowd loved it all but the rest of us were bleeding from the ears. I guess if I was at home and making a cover for my bible out of felt and twine and it had something like “God Rocks” on it I’d probably want to listen to Creed while I was doing it. That’s why I avoid Creed and also fuzzy bible covers. On a side note, for the kids who put “Jesus is my Homeboy” on the cover of their bibles – You’re so close to normal. Just let it happen. The girl that you think you’re in love with (and the reason you go to church camps) will never fall for you. In fact she’ll go for a strict son of a Baptist minister who says things like “Baywatch and Maxim magazine makes Baby Jesus cry” and it’ll take you years to overcome losing out to a misfit like this. But then a girl like that, well let’s just say she views sex as a means to create a child and not, you know, for fun. So you’re not losing out on anything except for a few years of forced abstinence. Let it go. Go grab an Ike Reilly album and drink a beer or two. You’ll be glad you did, just trust me on this one.
So Creed clearly sucked. And Stapp was the reason for it. And other than the sad little creatures that think Three Doors Down are a little too “edgy” for them there is no reason for Creed or Stapp to exist. It wouldn’t be so bad if he was just taking advantage of the teenage bible thumpers but he crossed over into normal radio and frankly I don’t like to see that sort of thing happen.
On the other hand you have 311. They don’t, as far as I know, think they are God. It’s entirely possible that they think they are black, even though they’re welcomed into every nice lily-white restaurant in the OC. I have no idea where they’re from but let’s face it, they seem like a band that came from the OC. And thanks to the show (which I have not seen) it seems ridiculous to call Orange County by it’s full name now, so I’m going with the initials. It just happens. I can’t be Mr. Nerdlinger and change it back. It’d be like calling NorEast Minneapolis by its full name and I can’t do that.
311 is, in a word, the-single-worst-band-I’ve-ever-seen-have-a-somewhat-legit-career-spanning-a-few-years. Part of my brain dies every time I catch a snippet of them on the radio. If I heard their full catalog I may be stupid enough to run for president or something. It’s that bad. So anyway, Stapp and 311 want to throw down with some fisticuffs. I just want to know where and when and how much are they charging for tickets? I think I could finally get some entertainment value out of these morons if they had a big fight. A steel cage death match with Stapp swinging a huge cross to crush 311 with. 311 trying to do the lame rap-dance posing thing and blind Stapp with their bleach blonde hair. It would be glorious. Plus, whoever wins, we all win. One of them dies and never comes back. My money’s on Stapp, he seems like martyr material to me. Let’s make this happen people!
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