8:29 am
Show up casually late (half hour) proceed to fill up my large vat of water so that I will make necessary pee breaks throughout the entire day. The secret word of the day, kids, is Hangover. I fucking hate mornings. There is no need for Mornings.
8:36 am
First awkward conversation of the morning with a co-worker. As everybody in this office knows I am un-approachable prior to coffee and 10 AM. Most people get confused because they think that they can talk with me if it is 1) after 10 AM or 2) after the first cup of coffee. This is a common blunder and one that will received a cruel dissertation on the approaching person's inadequacies, from myself. In order for me to talk it needs to be both after 10 AM as well as after coffee. Only when both of those goals are achieved does morning begin to exist.
8:55 am
Have a slight dream of Naperville, IL. This has been with me for a while, for some reason the downtown area or down by the river. I think that I just need coffee.
9:01 am
Begin to contemplate cross country skiing again and the pros and cons of it. Begin to think that I'm still drunk from the previous night.
9:18 am
Receive a well wishing email from the president of the company congratulating us all on another s uccessful year. Yet, in an odd way. I feel no sense of accomplishment on this. I am now going to space out for the next ten minutes and give this some degree of thought. Perhaps I'll nap.
9:24 am
Slight inner monologue erupts in my head. How many lies could I use in a friendship, without losing the friend? Could I run an excel spreadsheet on this? Should I have more than one friend in this experiment? (I was thinking three: two that I would lie to and one that I would use as my control). I think I'm stupid. This folly has gone on long enough. I need coffee.
9:40 am
Stretch the coffee break into an accoutrement. It's not that I need them, but I need a break and they provide that. Re-animation process is beginning. Beginning to feel like a human again. I have been listening to a nice little Johnny Cash, Neil Diamond medley, good for the early morning hours but now I'm thinking I need to step it up a little bit.
10:04 am
I typically will put off caffeine for as long as possible. My thoughts on this are as such: if I can put off waking up for the first two hours of my day I can usually make the day go by faster. Of course now, I'm mildly coherent and need to find other distractions, outside of spacing out, to get through the remainder of my day.
10:30 am
Quality time in the restroom. I thought it was going to be much more recreational than it actually turned out to be. The sphincter was all business today, and it is always fun the day after wine to observe. Everybody is a winner.
11:18 am
Begin to contemplate lunch. I didn't bring in lunch and don't feel like leaving the building, so my options are limited or, rather not existent. But lunch still would be nice. So instead of lunch, I think about dinner. Maybe a nap.
11:27 am
I think that there is act ually a secret league that exists in my office that doesn't want me to have coffee. These sorry individuals know that I have two cups of coffee a day and don't wish for me to be happy. Thus, before my coffee breaks, they steal themselves into the break room and extract all of the coffee out of the pots so that when I go to have my coffee, all of it is removed and I am left feeling pissed at the world and need to make coffee. These people should all catch syphillis and die from it.
11:45 am
After lusting for food, I suddenly remember that I have leftover noodles here. Sure they're from roughly 1963, but mold still falls into the realm of food, it might even be considered roughage, which, so I've been told, is something that is good for me. I'm excited.
12:01 pm
I think I just had the world's first intelligent conversation of the pros and cons of watching video's of pornographic nature with the sound on or off. On one hand it is nice to hear the emotion and there are some elements of story that make it better, but on the other hand, the last thing you want is for somebody to hear you watching it. This reminds me of the time when I was a younger man, and was over at a friends house and we were watching a video of questionable content in his basement. Unknown to us, his mom, his sister and his grandmother were upstairs, and despite the fact that both his grandma and his sister are somewhat deaf, they were still able to hear most of our conversations and the video itself through the chimney. Most embarrassing comment for myself: That is the largest cock I've ever seen. I'm not proud.
12:29 pm
Begin to think about accoutrafying myself again. I've been walking around the office floor for the past half hour talking with people, but would like to actually get off the floor… now I need to convince somebody to go with me…
12:40 pm
I thought about peeing for a couple of seconds, but then decided better about it, especially after I walked over there and got into a conversation with somebody that was going to go. There is nothing more awkward than starting a conversation with somebody that is going into the bathroom. I don't know if you're supposed to call a time out so that you can go, or if you keep talking? I mean, I've been on both sides of that equation and don't really feel that comfortable with either of them
12:50 pm
I do not want a fourth cup of coffee, but I seem to have picked it up. I know that two cups of coffee are good for me, they fight some sort of oxidant or who the hell cares, the third is the roll of the dice cup and four is just plain bad for you. Still, it feels good to drink it and yesterday was the most gluttonous day of the year and I didn't eat, thus certain things are owed to me.
3:20 pm
Took an hour and a half lunch and then was stuck in a meaningless meeting for the past hour. Meetings aren't that bad. It gives me an opportunity to space out while staring at things that are different from what I usually space out on. For the common thug, this is something that isn't appreciated enough.
3:47 pm
Since the rest of the world is sane and doesn't work today, I have been keeping a running conversation going via text messaging. This, I feel is for the best so I, at the very minimum, have one intelligent person to talk to today. Seriously, I need to develop a second personality just so I have somebody to hang out with.
3:53 pm
The hangover is gone. So I make my first of what will be several attempts to talk somebody into going out to happy hour. It's not so much that I wish to go with co-workers to a happy hour and not so much that I want to d rive in the slop outside. I just wish to have something to look forward to when work is done, or a promise, to myself, that work will soon be done.
4:15 pm
Seriously, today cannot finish fast enough. Forty five effing minutes left to go. These are the hardest moments. The end is in sight, the feeling that we are going to make it is imminent.
4:18 pm
I enjoy sending out some of my orders without fully checking them for fees. I feel that it is too time consuming and that if I'm not going to make a buck off of the company, then somebody should. It's my little reward for the day, even though somebody else gets to spend it… effers
4:35 pm
Now I've painted myself into a corner. Numerous people now wish to go out to Happy Hour with me, but, in all actuality I don't want to go out with anybody and it's more a want to be included and then not to do it. This sucks for others and their social calendars but… it works for me. I conveniently have made up a lie that an uncle is coming into town and that I need to see him. It's last minute and I feel bad due to the inclimate weather.
4:36 pm
Begin to feel bad about the gas that I’m producing. It's been fairly audible all day, something I generally try to cover up with the fact that my chair is moving. But the smell, the sound, the lack of people in the office that would cover those up appears to have created a bit of a stir. Time to do a little bit of positive campaigning on behalf of myself.
4:56
Free at last… sweet baby, I am free at lastµ
