Why you and your friends don’t watch many NBA games anymore
I realize that many of you have been wanting to ask this question for a while but haven’t known how to begin. So let me help you. You think to yourself that hey you’re a Timberwolves fan no matter what and you plan on watching every game they have. You make random plans over a beer with a buddy and pretend that you’ll go catch a game or two at Target Center this year. But none of you want to ask the question. Why would you do something like that? What would be the point? You don’t want to ask that question because you know that Kevin Garnett is a hall of famer and it’s a pleasure to watch him play. You don’t want to ask because you know that watching a guy get an angle on a defender and blow past him showing a burst of athleticism every bit as magical as Spawn and his hell fire or whatever it’s called. But then that question is joined by others. Why do they need so many timeouts for a game that is all about angles and position and not plays? Why do they need that many coaches? Do they need coaches at all? Why are there so many games and yet over half the league gets in the playoffs anyway? I could go on but it’s too depressing. So here is my plan to fix the league. Notice I didn’t say save the game. The game will endure, it’s still a beautiful thing to watch when done correctly and it’s a blast to play. Too bad there are only a handful of people in the NBA interested in playing it right.
1. This is a game built entirely on angles and position so stop trying to pretend it’s something that it isn’t. All the plays in the world don’t add up to squat. Getting a guy to lean the wrong way is all that matters. Stop wasting my time. I don’t want to watch a guy hold the ball at the top of the key and wait for Rip Hamilton to drop his defender on a series of screens. Just move the ball and angles will present themselves. Give up the pretense.
2. All teams are only allowed three coaches. The Head, an offensive guru and a defensive guru. No one else is needed. Throw away all VCR’s, there’s no need to break down game tape. It’s a waste of time that assistants started so that they could justify their existence. Either limit the amount of coaches or lengthen the court because we’re running out of room on the sidelines here people.
3. Limit timeouts to 3 per team per half. There are plenty of tv timeouts to help the guys get their wind back. But seriously, the current system allows for 14 team timeouts PLUS tv timeouts every half. That’s just retarded.
4. Cut the season to 60 games so that the regular season actually matters. Spread out the games so that no team plays more than 5 back to back games because 99% of the time you can see the player’s hands in the mailslot before they even hit the floor. It’s like everyone is doing their own personal tribute to the mailman at least once a week. Why pay to watch people mail it in? I do that every day at work and they pay me.
5. Cut the playoff teams to 5 per conference. Why does half the league get into the playoffs again? What’s the point of the regular season if it takes 82 fucking games to eliminate 14 teams. I haven’t seen this much candyass decision making since the Kindercare up the block from me caved into all the 6 year olds who wouldn’t take a nap and played gameboy instead.
6. Let’s just try to get the playoffs done sometime before the next season starts. I think right now the other teams are in training camp for the next season by the time the Finals are wrapping up. It’s hideous. No one can watch the game that long. The Lord didn’t intend it.
7. Finally, what’s up with the metro-ification of the league? Headbands, sweatbands, little half-finger glove things with nike logos? Jewelry and high socks? WTF? These guys are prettier than the girls at the Edina prom. If you style your hair before you play the game you are a douche. Yes, I’m looking at you Wally. Just play the game fellas. You can try to get a date later.
There are more reasons, but I’d actually start watching if the NBA actually did these things. The game is great, it’s too bad it’s been left in the hands of marketing people and not knowledgeable fans.
