As we reach the halfway point of the football season, let us take a quick look at those dear souls that call themselves football fans. We will break down our football friends into two distinct categories; ones that we will break down by distinction, cross referencing our the good folks of the gay community.
Category 1: In the closet
The actual closet reference refers to the degree of love that this football fan has for the "sport" of NASCAR. Due to the low level of education that both sports employee, a natural marriage, or flirtation, is inevitable from both. Both claim to have actual athletes that play them (I have driven to Chicago before and know that I can make it there without stopping to go to the bathroom, take that Jeff Gordon) and both need little to no actual knowledge of the history of the game, or rules of the game, in order to appreciate. However, the distinction for these folks compared to a Category 2 football fan, is that they're not able to admit that they like NASCAR. Sure, sometimes at the bar the Category 1 fan will have an eye on the races, hating themselves with every sip of their beer. Typically, these folks aren't that well adjusted and spent most of their childhood trying on their mother's underwear.
Category 2: Out of the Closet
These are, by far and away, more comfortable with themselves than Category 1 football fans. They have accepted their love of NASCAR and now no longer care what other's think of them. Like our friends in the Gay community and their ability to develop a different lexicon in order to distinguish themselves, Category 2 football fans will typically utilize more of a broken English. This could be as simple as leaving words out of sentences that should be included, to something as difficult to comprehend as turning nouns into verbs.
Shared Characteristics
Similarities do abound throughout the football community. While the argument can be made that due to the shortened season, more games matter, it can also mean that the season is over, well now. Something that isn't lost on any true football fan. True football fans know that it isn't worth it to continue cheering for their team once they are down, and, perhaps, at that point they are able to grasp how truly boring their actual sport is to watch and thus they give up. This is the reason that there hasn't been a football fan in the city of Detroit since 1963. For the super bowl this year they are actually implementing animatronics (the same ones used during this year's World Series on the Southside of Chicago) in order to give the appearance of fans.
Other similarities include, but are not exclusive to: lack of knowledge of the sport, or rather lack of caring of the sport. With little to no actual history worth remembering in the National Football League, there is no worry about committing anything to memory. With the lack of athleticism that goes into playing any non-skill position on the football field, there is a feeling, for both category 1 and category 2 fans that they could, in effect, be called onto the field to play. And then there is the fact that it is just America's excuse to get drunk and watch guys rub against one another in tight pants.
So, go hug your football loving friends today; today, dear reader, is truly their day. For tomorrow, once the dispute over non-guaranteed contracts surfaces and there is a twenty year strike, these fine folks will become extinct.
-Mule
