And as the cool November breeze of Thanksgiving washed over me, I wondered if I was indeed bound for hell. Here I am, Lord, wearing a sweatshirt that I had from high school, dirty pants, a dirty undershirt all clothes that I owned previous to college, wondering what the person that wore these clothes when they were new would think of this individual standing outside with an accoutrement and a glass of wine.
Bless me father, for I have sinned. Not in deeds, in deeds I have been fine, but in thoughts. The deeds, the helping others, have turned meaningless for me, yet I continue to do them. And all it leaves me with are the thoughts and the aftermath, the guilt.
I feel that I'm bound for trouble more then salvation. While I commit myself to actions that I believe people are grateful for, I know that I don't mean them. I go through these robotic acts so that everybody will be happy, so that the great wheel will continue to roll and the final destination will be achieved in the easiest possible way. Is it possible to invent perpetual motion and yet still be standing still?
Perhaps this is just growing up. Perhaps these are the growing pains that come with growing too fat to comfortably fit into the pants that you owned prior to college? These sacrifices that we make for others, even if we don't mean them, perhaps it's all in tune with the great deal of life. Perhaps my view is too blinded and I'm missing out on what others do for me and the sacrifices performed on my behalf? We help everybody else to advance the world and society, through self sacrifice we're able to give something back to the world.
Let us take a brief moment to thank the hippy that came up with the previous paragraph, may your bong, sir, always glow red. We all know that it isn't true. No act is ever done through a selfless act. We all make our decisions still based on ourselves and what we hope will be a happy outcome from it. When we choose self sacrifice we are just doing it because we obviously don't like ourselves well enough, or don't respect ourselves well enough to make the correct decision.
What that correct decision is, I don't know. That's not the path that I picked.
