Mule vs. The World

It's not like I couldn't take over the world, at anytime, because I could. I would be a fair and benevolent evil leader. And by evil, I mean that in the nicest possible ways. It wouldn't be fluffy egg omelets for everybody for breakfast, but while a fluffy egg omelet may feed the body, giving thanks that you live in a world that is under the management of Mule, feeds the soul.

I have plans on how I would do this too. You see, it's all molemen these days. Not only are they cheap, but they're efficient; they don't talk back often and when they do they don't revolt against you when you kill one of their own. Now, I know what you are thinking, molemen are cute little creatures that wouldn't hurt a fly, plus they lack the opposable thumbs necessary for holding the St. Jane 2000 Deathray Peacemaker (patent pending).

This did cause a bit of a stir amongst myself and my faithful slave Pedro, the Cat. And so we ended up suing the makers of the St. Jane Deathray Peacemaker (patent pending) under the Handicap Act (Geralds Law: Gerald Ford was handicapped, right?) that congress put into place during the seventies. Our case was made against them that their St. Jane Deathray Peacemaker (patent pending) was not accessible to everybody, and either make a St. Jane Deathray Peacemaker (patent pending) that could be used by a moleman or else they should rot in hell, you son of a bitch.

I actually said that while we were going through litigation: "Make a St. Jane Deathray Peacemaker (patent pending) that could be used by a moleman or rot in hell, you son of a bitch!!!" It struck a chord with them, and Pedro with a deft paw motioned me to sit down. They kicked me out, as they couldn't handle me, or the truth, leaving Pedro to handle the litigation by himself. He's a sneaky little bastard, that Pedro, a real sidler that makes no bones about slitting a man's throat during the night. One of the major reasons that I keep my door shut, that and he has gas, and I'm allergic to him.

Litigation quickly subsided with Pedro and I walking out with a zillion St. Jane Deathray Peacemakers (patent pending) that we were able give to the molemen. Pedro had been training the molemen hard and he was of the opinion that they are fit for fighting. However Pedro's fit for fighting and Mule's fit for fighting are two completely different beliefs. The ensuing fist(paw)fight betwixt Pedro and I was surely enough to end the universe. Pedro, who is a liar and a cheat, started using his claws, which everybody who is anybody knows is illegal in a a fist(paw)fight, so I started using my St. Jane Deathray Peacemaker (patent pending).

Pedro, who is not a good sport, is not talking to me right now. I even keep telling him that all good lieutenants in an evil army should have a peg leg. On an aside, this is especially confounding for him as I keep his food on a shelf. With only one leg he has a difficult time reaching the shelf and kinda keeps just jumping sideways. I've been meaning to move it down but… well he's kinda fat anyway. He'll learn. It's a good experience for him.

So we were going to take over the world a couple of weeks ago, but it was getting late and I really hate to leave my couch, plus they had a Xena the Warrior Princess marathon going on Oxygen, not that I usually watch Oxygen, but it's Xena, so that's nice. Then the Game Show network was showing some old versions of the Family Feud, the good ones before that fat ass Al started bringing the show down. Then after that there was a Mythbusters marathon, and I do so love that show, especially when things get blow-up. I know that when I take over the world, my molemen hench persons would be blowing things up, and that would be fun to watch, especially with their little paws in their little St. Jane Deathray Peacemakers (patent pending). But, it's just so hard to get up off the couch with all of this quality programming; seriously, I feel swamped.