I need a roadie

I received a great call from Todd Dancer this weekend. It went like this.

Todd: Uh dude?

Me: Todd? Where's my money?

Todd: Not now. Um, can you have my ma call me?

Me: Why don't you have her call you herself Todd? You don't need to bring a middle man into this.

Todd: Her number's always busy and I'm only allowed one call.

Me: Are you in jail dude?

Todd: ...

Me: Todd?

Todd: NO! Don't be a buttfucker. Just have her call me at 641-***-****

Then he hung up. Now, last I heard he was supposedly at a strip club in Portland Oregon. That was a while ago, granted, but Todd doesn't really have the wherewithal to travel the country with ease. 641 area code is in Iowa. Most likely Mason City. If you've not been through Mason City lemme tell ya there is a very solid Subway in one of the gas stations and they also have a strip club or two. Now I sincerely doubt that Todd was ever outside of the state until recently. And I don't think he skipped town because he had a hankering for the steak n' cheese. The boy likes to lie. Which is why he goes to strip clubs in Mason City. It's one of the few places in the world where being from Minneapolis sounds like you just landed in your spaceship made of gold and you live on the moon. Mason City sucks. I don't say that lightly. Also, you can call someone a "buttfucker" whilst you're in jail and no one thinks it's weird.

But Todd's not really the point. Sure he's in jail (probably for having "busy hands" with the ladies) but at least he's in jail in a different state. I'm stuck here. I need a roadie and I need one tootsweet.

I'm not referring to the guy who hands you guitars and moves your stuff in case you're wondering. I'm speaking of a roadtrip, affectionately known as a roadie to the Harmon clan. But come to think of it a roadie (carrying stuff kind) would be awfully handy. I could probably use one of those two. I don't know what you would need to feed them. I'm assuming some sort of grain alcohol and an occasional gas station sandwich. I think I can swing that. I should get one.

But again, I need to stay focused here. I need a roadie (traveling the country kind) in the worst way. I need to drive south. And then west. And then more south. I need to go as far as it will take for me to stick my hand out the window and not have it freeze. Sure the cold comes in handy when you're bored with traditional masturbation and want to experiment, but that's not really what I need. Plus that seems like it would lead to a life of bizarre sex with Angelina Jolie types. Women who look at icicles hanging off the gutter of the garage and thinks it looks like a good time. I definitely don't need that.

Maybe I should hit the road and go bail Todd out of jail. But the dink wouldn't even admit that he's in jail so why should I help him? You could argue he's my friend. You'd have a point. But that hardly seems like fun does it?