Old People Can Be Our Salvation...Tis True

I'm kinda fascinated by the whole bumper sticker phenomenon. I'm also fascinated by the little window cling things that people put on their cars as well. I realize that we, as a people, all drive basically the same car/truck/suv but are we really this hard up for some individuality? I only ask because I've been having some bizarre flashbacks of this sort of thing lately.

I saw a little garfield in the back seat of a Volvo station wagon the other day. And not one of the old Volvos that are all boxy and make you think the person driving it is an English Lit Professor at the little college down the road. I mean one of the new "sporty" models that makes you think that the person driving it is late for their kid's lacrosse practice (soccer is so 1989). The Garfield suction cup thing (and Garfield puts the "suck" in "suction) hasn't been seen much in the past few years has it? Did the person dust the ol' guy off as a joke or is this the 17th anniversary of some kid telling him his Garfield doll was cool and he's still trying to cash in? I get confused sometimes. I think if the guy had a "baby on board" or one of the derivative "computer geek on board/goddess on board" window things my head may have exploded just out of self defense. (I'm fully aware that my head blowing up would probably kill me and therefore not be much of a self defense but it's sort of a cop out. If the guy had both the Garfield and the "baby on board" window things then he'd probably get out of his car and say something impossibly stupid that would make me gnaw my own wrists and if you really think about it having your head blow up in an instant is much more preferable than chewing through your own skin. That's all I'm saying. In context it makes sense.)

But enough about the outdated guy. Everyone's outdated at some point in their lives. What about the people now who use the bumper sticker? And I'm not even considering the 16 year old kid with the 10 year old hatchback that has all his or her favorite bands and 12 of those little bunny pictures saying "you smell" or whatever. Those kids are just dying for some freedom. I can't hold that against them. I'm talking about the people with the 2 year old Camry who feel the need to state their political views or their military spending views or just to tell a lame joke on their bumper. It's kind of odd isn't it?

Outside of spending $25k on something and then immediately putting something on it to make it look tacky I don't see what the point is. Do these same people paint their garage in Vikings colors or put a giant Timberwolf logo on their back porch too? Cuz then I'd be okay with it. Who wouldn't want to go to a barbeque and stand on a porch that looks like center court at Target Center? Nobody. That's who.

My personal favorite bumper stickers are the ones that claim that God isn't a Republican or a Democrat. That's always entertaining. Politics isn't stupid enough, let's weigh in on how God feels about the whole ordeal. It's just another person slapping their own personal thoughts onto God and claiming it is real. Maybe God is a Republican. I doubt it but who knows? If only we had more bumper stickers maybe we could get to the bottom of this. And where does the Dahlai Lama side in this issue? How come no one's polled his opinion and slapped it on a bumper sticker. Heck at least he's a person. You could get a direct quote. Seems like less guesswork to me.

So anyway, I don't get the whole bumper sticker thing. I've had two bumper stickers in my life that actually went on a vehicle. One was a Packers sticker to cover up a bumper that was rusting away. I considered it to be beautifully designed duct tape. And the other was the Autobot insignia on the hood of a Geo Storm because I kinda wanted to pretend that my crappy car was, in fact, a robot from outerspace. Cliffjumper was his name. I don't know what it says about me that I imagine my car as a gigantic robot from outerspace but then I make the decision to call it one of the minor characters that most people only vaguely remember. We'll leave that for another day.

I will say this though, most young people actually seem to believe that others can be swayed by what's on the bumper sticker. Which is just ridiculous. Why would I trust what a 97 Stratus has to say about politics? I have only seen one bumper sticker that made me happy in the past 5-10 years. I saw it this weekend. It was parked at a gas station and I was laughing as I passed the owner of said vehicle. He was an old guy, probably pushing 80, and he had a cane. He had a trucker hat on and it wasn't even ironic. I think it said something about being waaaaay over the hill. I wanted to grab this guy and go buy him a beer as a thanks for the great bumper sticker. I knew I had enough cash to get him a beer but I wasn't sure if I could afford the hip replacement surgery that was sure to follow after a few cold ones and the inevitable fall on the icy parking lot so I passed on the chance. I regret it. The bumper sticker is as follows...

A Little Coitus couldn't Hoit Us.