The Workplace

...As fascinating as a Tuesday night at Applebees.

I was going to call this "the office" but I didn't want some superfan of BBC America writing in to tell me they slept with Stephen Merchant or something. In fact, I don't really want to hear anything about anyone sleeping with Stephen Merchant. He's funny as hell (he co-wrote, acted, and co-created two of the best shows ever in "The Office" and "Extras") but he's not exactly Brad Pitt...maybe the Sarlacc Pit but that's just really piling on at this point.

I mean the UK office not the American version. If you know Merchant, you know he's kinda gangly, kinda nerdish and really pale. He's kind of like the weird half rabbit/half bat/half camel things from the Dark Crystal that Jen and Kira ride and eventually offer up as unwitting sacrifices to the big ass beetles. I saw this movie like 6 times in the theatre. Got the dvd last year and watched it again. Apparently as a child I was a fucking idiot. Not the best movie (clearly) and yet I've still never come close to beating the 6 times in a theatre thing. I need to go watch a movie in the theatre 7 times to purge my soul.

Maybe it traumatized me. Maybe my brother just needed a cheap babysitter while he went out strolling for chicks. I dunno. You'd think my parents or brother would have intervened at some point, possibly as I was sucking on an orange and claiming that I had drained it of it's essence like the Skeksis do to the little muppets in the movie, but they never did. I must have been a fucking idiot. I mean, I was 6 or 7 at the time but still...

So anyway, that was a long way of saying that this is not about that at all. Which basically means it was a waste of time. But if you're like me then you're just here to kill time in the workday so I figure all's fair.

What's the workplace like for me? Other than some people that I actually like (surprised me too) it's a pretty drab place. I mostly get through the day by mocking those around me. Heard a co-worker this morning say to a person on the phone that she was speaking to that he needed to make "a business decision" on something. How is that different than just a "decision"? Is the guy on the phone going to make a personal decision to work with us but then the little business partner in his head is going to overrule him with his decision? I suppose it's more specific to refer to it as a "business decision" but, to be clear, we are working with this person and we are a business and he is running a business so wouldn't anything having to do with our relationship be a "business decision" and therefore it becomes redundant to throw "business" in there? How many quotation marks can I throw in before I tip the scales from annoying to obnoxious? Already there?

"Dammit" I said, in mock disgust.

It amazes me that so many intelligent to semi-intelligent to borderline knuckle draggers go to work every day. I know the nerdy little scientists and sociologists claim that we, as a race, crave routine and stuff but maybe they're wrong. Maybe it's all propaganda to keep us working. Maybe none of us would do these boring jobs if we really weighed the pros and cons. Or maybe I'm just super lazy. I'm okay with either option, I just want to know.

Unfortunately the workplace is still here and I'm still here and that's probably my fault. For further clarification on this issue see (Lazy, Harmon) noted elsewhere. I need to get some boots with some straps so I can pull myself up by them. That's the problem with people nowadays. Their footwear is not adequate for their metaphor needs!

Harmon