A Fruit in the Belly of the Beast

I don't really understand Gwyneth Paltrow. She routinely does things that annoy me. Her movies aren't exactly fantastic. She married a complete douche. But then I see her in a movie and I think to myself "wow, she looks a lot better than I remember" and I notice that she makes fun of herself and plays kind of goofy roles and I think she might be levelheaded and down to earth. It's very confusing, no?

I mean, have you looked at her choice of movies on imdb? She wins an Oscar in Shakespeare in Love and then she does some Farrelly brothers goofball comedy, picks a movie in which she sings with Huey Fucking Lewis and then does Sky Captain and the Computer World of Boredom. I mean, I can see doing a movie with Huey Lewis (who wouldn't) but what about the News? It wasn't just Huey knocking out those hits you know? I think the News shouldn't have to follow Huey around like a puppy chasing a kid who is careless with his PBJ samich. That's just me. Credit where credit's due. But other than that movie what good choices has Gwyneth made?

Also, I'm not a big fan of her personal choices. She apparently jets around in a private plane and then rips on the American government for the war in Iraq. I happen to agree with some of those sentiments but I don't go around in one of the least fuel efficient vehicles on the planet while I do it. If you think the war is about oil maybe you could scale back the jetsetting? I mean, c'mon, it's not like you really want to go see another Coldplay concert anyway. I know you don't. You can't. It's not possible.

I don't really understand the whole baby being named "Apple" either. I don't hate it but it sure seems like a great way to make other kids hate your child for the rest of it's life. The only possible way that she can get herself out of this is if she names the second kid "Banana". Who doesn't want to go through life as literally the second banana? Or better yet have two more kids and name 'em both "Banana" so you can be even more literal with the second banana plan. I doubt more kids are in the offing though because she married a guy who seems to only be in love with himself and U2, thought not necessarily in that order.

Let's put aside for the moment that Coldplay is slowly becoming the most embarrassing band on the planet. Let's put aside that all of their songs are the same and the lyrics are childish and waaaaaaaay too appealing for 17 year old girls. Here's an interesting dilemma though, a real thinker. Do you think Charlie on "LOST" with all of his metro bracelets and fingernail paint and tape on his fingers with "fate" written on them is a direct mockery of Chris from Coldplay? OR do you think that Chris from Coldplay (I like that it makes him sound like Jon from Woodbury) thinks that the character is so cool that he started doing all the little metro bracelets and crap because he saw it on Charlie? I need to know the chronology of this stuff.

So Chris from Coldplay somehow impregnated Gwyneth once and, in a shocking upset, has managed to do it again. Despite his obsession with being considered cool by everyone he still takes time out of his life to knock up the little lady. I find this fascinating. It's not that I think the dude is gay I just think he really, really, really thinks he is cool and no one else even comes close. So having sex with someone for him is probably a little like shopping at the Gap for you and me. In general it's a pleasurable experience but it's not like you're getting something really nice or high quality, it's just better than Old Navy. In fact I think sex for them would go something like this.

Interior - bedroom - night

Lights are on and there are mirrors on all the walls and the ceiling.

Chris from Coldplay: Are you ready?

Gwyneth: Are you talking to me? You seem to be looking at your reflection.

CfC: No baby no. I'm talking to you.

GP: C'mere.

CfC: What do I like to hear?

GP: Seriously? Do I have to say it?

CfC: Yes.

GP: You're way more sexy and talented than the guy from that crappy band Travis.

CfC: Come and get your love baby.

They begin.

CfC: My! This is pleasant!

GP: I know lover.

CfC: This is very pleasing!

GP: Yes.

CfC: I am enjoying this!

GP: Chris?

CfC: Who?

GP: Chris from Coldplay.

CfC: Yes?

GP: Just shut up and fuck me.

CfC: Very well.

I don't know if I'm any closer to solving the mystery that is Gwyneth. She will probably still fade from my memory and then I'll see a rerun of The Royal Tenenbaums and think again "hey, what's up with her?" for the thousandth time. She's like a modern Teri Garr. Not so much career-wise but in the whole looks department. Try watching the old Young Frankenstein with Teri as a young and buxom blonde and reconcile that with your memories of her as an older woman now. It's traumatizing.