I failed ( A nerds tale of sorrow)

So I was at the video store looking, searching for peace of mind looking around for a video game being that the weather here has been crappy.

I didnt see any thing worth spending $40 bucks on so as I was browsing around I and to my delight I saw Conan the Barbarian the first film on DVD.

So there I was holding the film for a remarkable low Price of $9 bucks I showed it to my buddy who asked me if I was going to get it and like a fool I said no ..

I watched in slow motion as he paid for what should of been mine I couldnt move fast enough to stop the transaction I hesitated and didnt follow my normal nerdy instincts .

I FAILED

Rain brings memories

a few years Back on a day like this. y'know springy but with that constant rain we got goin on - the kind of hopeful-nes of spring mixed with the sadness of the rain right? day like that. i was comin outo f a show at the triple rock in minneapolis and it was late. there was a drizzle like this coming down and the air had that wormy feel to it. y'know? the smell of the worms and the earth and all that country shit you don't normally get in town? that smell is awesome at 2 in the morning. wwhen all you been breathing for the past 6 hours is smoke and stripperperfume and dity bathrooms with a plugged toilet and shit? it's fucking awesome man. get that smell.

i came out of the show and sat on the curb for a bit. i not gonna lie i was pretty fucked up. Iwas at the show with two girls. I was trying to get with the one and trying not to piss off her friend all night. I was trying to get 'em drunk cus her friend was kind of a bitch. Not in a bd way just uptight that night. i don't know if she liked me or what.

all nights i'm buying drinks for the girls and myself and i'm good to go cus my 'stang is in the shop so I know I don't have to drive. For last call i picked up all them drinks, like 2 for each of us ( I know the bartender so she hooked me up) and went back to where we were standing. I set the drinks up on a rail but I couldn't find 'em. i just watched the show and drank down my shit. then i looked around and saw the girls comin out the bathrrom. my girls friend looked like she was sick or some shit. total wet blanket. and they headed out. so i'm standing there with a fuckin sweet show wrapping up and i got all these drinks. so i hammered 'em down. i felt a litle queer drinking the girls drinks - they wer totally chick drinks. i usually stick to beers or stiff drinks like appletinis and shit but i wasn't gonna just waste em.

so the show ended and i'm blitzed and standing outside having a cig in the rain. breathing that fresh air. it felt good. at the time i lived like 9 blocks from the ROCK so i was just gonna walk home right? but I see this smokin hottie sitting on the curb by herself. i couldn't believe it. so i go and sit down next to her at first she wasn't real talkative but i just hung out, offered her a cig and chilled. she was bombed too. waiting for a ride from her dad or some shit. i wasn't trying to pick her up at all, just like hanging with hot chicks when i cann y'know? so we talked about the rain and the spring and the show and stuff. it was cool man. just chill as all shit.

i was gonna wait until her dad show up but i was startin to feel like shit y'know? i mean i knocked back 6 drinks in like 20 minutes or whatever. usually i don't puss out but i was fucked up before them drinks man, afterwards i was just fuckin like whatever. i had to go, i knew i was gonna focking toss my shit but i didn't wanna leave the chick. it was just so peaceful. y'know like that dick commercial now with the two old fuckers in the bathtub watchin the sun come up? that's what me and that chick were like. HARM or MULE would call it beautiful but i got a dick. so i was torn and shit. i staid to long. i tried to get up and go but i stumbled on the curb and cought a whiff of her cig and it just nailed me. I kakked in her hair.

Driving the Current Music

Two stations in this town merit any consideration when it comes to listening on a consistent basis. Drive 105 and mpr's The Current 89.3. That's it. Everything else on the radio is basically there in case of commercials or bad djing on the tolerable twosome. And, sad as it is, I'll often listen to a commercial rather than listen to anything on Cities 97. Nickelback? Howsabout you give me back the 35 seconds that I actually listened to your stupid station thinking you were trying to sell me a sub samich instead? You can keep the nickel.

The local radio scene is to music what the Mojave is to oases. Yeah I just went plural on oasis (and no that doesn't mean I had a gay threesome with Liam and the uh, what the hell's the other Gallagher brother's name?). I can pluralize with the best of 'em. You can wordify anything if you put your mind to it. There are some hippity hoppity stations if that's your thing (KDWB - which seemed like it was just for kids even when I was 14 and 96.3 - which, well I guess this tells you how much I like the commercial rap cuz I have no idea what the call letters are. The Beat? Maybe. It matters not.) I could go for some funk but I doubt most of my pasty white compatriots could so we are funkless. Except for Mule, there's a funk going on with that boy like nobody's business. Here's a recent photo.








So, back to the decent stations...

Drive 105 is not a great station. I'm not even confident that it's a good station. It is, however, better than just about everything else in this town. Part of that is due to the Current actually. We'll get to that later though. Actually fuck it, let's do it now. The Current is the mvp of the radio league in this town. It has the go-to-itiveness that you need in a main station and yet it makes its radio partners better too. Drive has been playing more interesting, edgy stuff since the Current launched a year or so ago by presumably listening and going "oh, Bright Eyes sounds good, throw it in the rotation".

Drive generally sticks to the same mind-numbing rotation that has killed radio for so many people. I mean seriously, you think satellite radio and it's fees would stand a chance if regular radio stations would stop wasting our time with the 1900th replaying of Friday I'm in love by the Cure? They wouldn't stand a chance. Tom Petty's right, they want to see how much you'll pay for what you used to get for free. Tom Petty's usually right. He's gotta be the smartest guy to ever come out of a swamptown in Florida. I've done no studies on this.

So while I can't commend Drive completely I do like them in general. Here's why I can't commend them though, their band of the day today is the Talking Heads. Let that sink in. The band broke up in 1991. They stopped being relevant sometime in the 90s. Yet they're in constant rotation on the only decent commercial station in the Twin Cities. I seriously hope that this is because sometime in '83 David Byrne got some young radio executives to do blow off a dead hooker's body. I would assume he took pictures and is now using that as blackmail to keep his old band on the radio. I might appreciate them more if that were the case. That has to be the answer right? Call me crazy but maybe Shock the Monkey wasn't intended to be played every 6 hours for 20 fucking years.



By the way that photo's in black and white cuz that's all they had back then. It's not an artistic thing.






That leaves us with the Current 89.3 to listen to. I'm a member. No commercials is worth something to me. Plus it's easy to feel smarter than you when I have a member card for 2 for 1's at Coldstone to cash in. Thriftiness is brilliant.

First - the good stuff. The Current is far and away the leader in making me buy new music. Because they play stuff I haven't heard by bands that are new or overlooked. Or they play a "deep cut" from a band I have heard of and that implores me to throw down some cash. They rock for this reason above all else. These people actually like music and, like the nerdy friend who can't wait to play a mixtape for you, they push it on you whether you like it or not. They also play a lot of local music (a good thing) and they crush for size in not caring about formats. They'll play anything from any style of music. Which, ironically, rocks.

Now - The bad. Some bands that they play do not deserve radio play. There's a reason why some of these yahoos haven't been discovered by the masses. The reason is they suck more than a Scary Movie marathon. The station seems to cater to shoegazing music more than anything, which isn't bad, but can get a little dull. Also the lack of a format means that they'll play a cool rock song from a swedish band like The Sounds (a solid little band that I love because they happened to put two women on their album subtly touching each other. The best part? The women aren't even in the fucking band! They did it just to get a dude to pick up the disc and it fucking works man! It fucking works every time!) and follow it up with an instrumental from a Canadian duo and then wrap up the set with a Hank Williams Jr track. There's no flow. The best thing Drive has going for it is, on a rare occasion, they will uncork a 3-4 song set that just fucking jams out with their clams out and gets you all fired up. The Current lacks that ability.

Also, and I don't recommend you do this, their website is just depressing. A bunch of music nerds outnerding each other. Basic contention is that if you have heard of a band they must be played out. It's sad. Check out this link for further evidence. Say what you want about Pearl Jam - they deserve to be played no matter how many records they've sold in the past. If Nickelback and Coldplay can get played then it can't even be debated if they're "good enough" for the Current. The Current site is the sun so be wary all you Musical Icaruses. Icari?

Damn I can wordify anything.

Rating

Drive 105 - Aweso
The Current 89.3 - Awesome

The Sounds of Frustration

I was flipping thru the sounds of frustration , the radio, as it's known in certain circles .
And I began to think, and yes I am capable of thought ... Gents

I began to think about the play lists why no matter where you go if it's a busy Metropolis or
In-Breed town, population Betty Sue's First Cousin ..

All the radio Channels are the same ... ..

That in-turn lead me to realize much to my horror that even in a busy Metropolis and over at Betties Sue's house these different walks of people at some point like the same thing " yikes "
So with that goes another thought what then if any is the purpose of free radio ?
You cant really say what you want, and even though there is some difference they all pretty much play the same thing.

A top forty channel is a top forty channel, from Florida to Fort Worth, Minneapolis to Maine, New York to Ohio somewhere to our dismay some flash in the pan Britney Spears clone, is pumping out some musical garbage and the sad part is we all know it's garbage but because this is assimilation town USA , .

And because appearance is better then substance and Because Clear Channel sucks ....
We wont vocalize, that this current crap was always that, and we will make that astute claim next year even though right now everybody loves it .

Ads are force feed to us so much that we have lost all conscious thought, of what is valid to listen to and since the overall public cant make up it's mind and it needs Big Records Companies to tell you what to like, ( don't get offended Millie Vanlli still sold a crap load of Records before they were caught, And we still have These rock bands that all sound the same cant really play there instruments ) all the while musical garbage that wont stand the test of anything , gets pumped on the radio and gets a 4 star Music review in Rolling Stone ( the Rock Authority .) ..

In every town you have the heavy rock or Classic Rock station in where there morning show is a subtle reminder that there's a White hood somewhere in this country waiting to be put on, and again I stress it's very subtle ,Especially in the Midwest jeez .

These brave folks prove there patriotism, how by subtlety ( there's that word again) putting down other races, all the while playing Purple Haze every other hour.

The sad part about Classic rock is not the music, the music will make you remember when
Rock n Roll actually had Musicians ( remember those dinosaurs ) who could play and where deserving of the easily attained Rolling Stone 4 star review .

The Problem with the station is they will play lets say .....When the Levee Breaks at 12:30 on Monday then play it around 10 again on Monday .

Then in case you missed it ..Play it again on Wed same times and on Friday with a Back to back of Whole lotta love . because It's the Weekend .

So this is the Beginning of an in-depth look at Radio in the up coming days I hope to elaborate and bring to you the Triumphant yet self indulgent Community Radio that will be entitled pockets of Genius with a hint of what the fuck!!

And Lastly America the Land of No good Musical TASTE ( Don't get mad Hendrix , had to go to Europe to make it )

I am KS95

Radio stations, even in concept, are a difficult vice. They play nicely into the heart of the American Gambler, the type of person who could have over 30,000 songs stashed away in their Mp3 player and yet will tune into the radio in hopes of hearing that one perfect song for the perfect situation.

When I was a younger and more impressionable youth, I was given Cities 97. Back then Cities was always the go to channel on my station, there could be the odd cuts by Dylan, a rare acoustic performance by the Foo Fighters doing Everlong or one of the tracks off of their then vaunted Cities Samplers. I recall a friend of mine, who worked for the large conglomerate that Cities is part of, saying how even the management didn't know what format Cities was following; and for us listeners this was fine.

I had, by that point, seen some of the best radio stations of my age come to their conclusion. Rev 105 and the original 93X had folded taking Brian Oake and Mary Lucia and the only station that would play all grunge all the time. They had left me with memories of Brian Oake launching into Don Henley, outing him as one of the biggest tools of all time. The graceful end of the 93X, breaking the record for repeating the same song the most times in a row; for that one shining moment, every kid in the Twin Cities metro area had a fall back song in R.E.M.'s It's the End of the World.

Then Cities 97 decided to turn itself into a joke, a mockery of the radio station that it formally was. They sold their soul to play more Coldplay, more Rob Thomas and Matchbox 20 (or twenty or whatever-- they suck). They tuned out so that they could compete with KS95 for who could be more adult contemporary and squeeze more soft ballads and more socially acceptable music. They became the station that would provide the theme song for shopping for vegetables at the grocery store.

When Brian Oake joined Cities 97, there was hope that the radio station would come back. Then Oake played a three song medley of Don Henley for the Drive at Five and we knew that it was over. Some radio stations burn out; some just fade away, some self destruct like a train wreck in slow motion. I just never thought that I would see a train wreck end with the touching notes of Meet Virginia.

KFAN - the FIGJAM of sports talk radio

Reason #1097 why 2nd and 3rd world countries think Americans are spoiled douchebags - we whine about how crappy local radio is on our blogs while they're just happy to get a scrambled porn version of mtv and no public beatings.

KFAN is the Twin Cities primary sports talk station. They're home to the Vikings and Timberwolves broadcasts. I think they even did/do the Lynx for God's sakes. Which, well, that's just another reason why I hate the NBA. It's not enough that they waste air time with real NBA games but they push their little sister crap on the air too. I mean c'mon, it's the middle of the summer when they play right? Like I couldn't have a baseball show or training camp talk? Are they trying to turn me into that guy that just checks out audio books by Oprah approved authors or something? Cuz I'll do it motherfucker. I will fucking do it.

Actually no I won't.

The biggest problem with KFAN is that they have an ego of Philly Mick proportions. They are the FIGJAM of radio. They act like congressmen. They tell us they know what we need and they'll give it to us whether we want it or not. And yes I just compared them to congressmen. I won't say anything more offensive than that all day. KFAN'S basic conceit is that they're not a sports talk station because anyone who talks about just sports is an idiot. So they talk politics and race relations and movies and whatnot as well as sports.

They may well be as smart as they think they are. Or maybe the audience is actually as stupid as they assume. I mean, you could be a total fucking moron or semi-retarded or maybe something we've never even seen before, something new in the world of stupid...like littlebmouse. But to assume that the audience only listens to you and your programming? Well that's just egotastic fuckstick masturbation of the highest order.

The curious part of this is why would I want to hear an interview with the governor or some high falutin' writer in DC conducted by a guy who can barely string 3 sentences together without taking time out to pat himself on the back for not being a simple minded sports nut? If I wanted real news I'd listen to somebody intelligent enough to give it to me. There are plenty of stations to listen to for local government choices, for interesting plays to see and all that other stuff they call culture in their learning books. But when I want me some sports I've got one place to go in this town. If KFAN were your friend he would be the one with the metro bracelet and the tongue piercing and a tattoo of a butterfly on his shoulder and you and all your friends would know it's just a matter of time before he came out of the closet but for now he just goes on lying to himself and pretends that he is just really into women's handbags and doesn't think it's weird that he can speak knowledgeably on the subject. It's awkward for everyone involved.

It's one thing to act like you know or are interested in many topics. But everyone still tunes in to learn who the vikings will draft or how the Twins did or which Timberwolf pretended to be injured so he could record a rap album no one will ever hear. I don't understand why they antagonize their audience? Call me crazy but there are a bunch of people in this town who like to, through the course of their day, find out how the local 9 is doing. But instead they're treated to the nonwitty repartee of the king of nepotism (take a bow Chad Hartman) jousting with some local political wonk about sewage systems in blaine or whatnot. And seriously who names their city "blaine"? Is that where everyone who ever lost a fight moved and when they formed the town they went with the biggest pussy name they could think of? Perfect place for the Vikings to move actually.

And yes I do have the good sense to be a Packer fan.

The station has people who specialize in Football (Mike Morris and Paul "I will take it up the chute for Hall & Oates" Allen), Hockey (Puffy), Basketball (Sludge and Lake, Barreiro, Hartman) and I think one of the morning guys has a hardon for Nascar too. That's not even a joke. Someone publicly admits he watches that crap. If Dale Earnhardt's mustache came back from the grave and won the Indy 500 while dragging his rotted corpse behind it I still wouldn't give a crap about that sport. But not one of these yokels know a thing about baseball. Only the 2nd most popular sport in the area. But maybe I'm just talking crazy.

No, I'm not.

Their website's a hoot and a half too. Especially "rubechat" where the moronic rubes can argue over important stuff, y'know, like this...To log in and create an avatar on Rubechat is to willingly admit that you have no life. Like wearing sweatpants and an '87 twins world series tshirt everyday.

I leave you with this. Over the noon hour you have the choice of listening to Dan "The Common Man" Cole or Jim Rome on KFAN'S sister station. Dan Cole doesn't do a radio show. He has long conversations with his golf buddies about how they played on air. It's a trainwreck on a daily schedule, which is impressive in it's own way. Now compare him with Jim "Man I REALLY wish I was black so I could represent" Rome. Wow. Having to choose between these two spunkmonkeys for sporting info is a new circle of hell. I believe it's in between the third and fourth circles. They're considerably worse than Cerberus the three headed dog.














Not so bad as Plutus though.














Canto 6.5 was omitted from the publishing of the Inferno but I think it had to do with the sin of being a shitty broadcaster. It may have gotten lost in the translation though.

Seriously look at this doofus. A face for radio and a voice for Newspaper - he's a double threat.









Also, one last programming note. Due to repeated agitation and mockery littlebmouse is now an official link. You have my anger. And my respect. Thanks for not running away like Mule does after a vicious smiting on xbox. By the way, the scale is tipped like 98% anger and 2% respect. It's all I can offer at this time.

Rating

KFXN The Score - Zero parts of Awesome. They bring nothing to the table.
KFAN The Fan - Aw.

Spring Training

Pitchers and catchers reported last Saturday for softball spring training and some position players were on hand to take light batting practice and infield drills. First baseman Matt Monk went on record saying "We, uh, just wanna say that we're going to, uh, improve on what we did, ah, last year and, uh, that we want to make sure that we're, um, swinging the bats right and getting going early on."

The C Beer League Rex Kwon Do that posted a dismal 2 wins to 20 loss record last season, are pleased with their off season acquisitions. The sole representative from foreign lands on Rex Kwon Do, star second baseman Juan Rhitter had this to say, "I like tomato ketchup. Happy Thanksgiving playing with Kwon Do Rex. Good people. I fucked your mother last night."

Such notable off-season pick-ups as Carl Travesty are what general manager Hank Rincon is hoping will solidify the shaky defense and sleepy bats from last year. This has been quickly dismissed by Dr Gonzo on her website yesterday where she was quick, yet again, to point out that there still is a major hole at third base and in left center field. While pundit Jebus Gurl has lambasted the squad repeatedly for not having picked up a professional leadoff bat.

"They should've traded the entire team for draft picks."

Though not required to report with pitchers and catchers, the absence of Right fielder Joe Dan was felt by all teammates. Dan, who was aquired in the Rule V draft midseason last year, was not available for comment. Dusty Froeson, the teams manager, declined to comment if their new pocket outfielder is holding out for more money.

Also of question is the arm of catcher and utility outfielder Andru Vin. Vin, who injured his arm throwing a ball from shallow right center last year to the cut off man, is now contemplating throwing sidearm. "I'll be the first left handed, side arm throwing catcher the league has ever seen."

According to C Beer League historian Peter Gammons, this isn't completely true as their was one in the early '90s named A.J. Pieruglyski who was part of the notorious Black Sox. He was finally forced to quit the game after hitting too many batters while trying to throw the ball back to the pitcher and subsequently being smacked in the face by the angry batter. "They literally smacked the love of softball out of him and forced him into playing baseball. On a side note, these savage beatings are also what turned him into the biggest jerk in baseball. Well, that and the fact that he has a small cock and balls."

Yes, the boys of summer are in fine form.

--this was done in conjunction with Kelly Thesier, who is still just happy to be here

Comeuppance

First - A review.

While on a well deserved vacation far away from BMC HQ I have been said to have the following issues by my good buds Balddee and Mule.

-An STD picked up during a blowjob (regrettably giving and not receiving) binge in the Castro.
-A General gayness.
-A talent for talking to women cuz I'm so feminine.
-I was called Blanco Gringo (which I actually like, nice work wondernuts).

For this Balddee will forfeit all rights to my wisdom when it comes to dealing with his wife in the future. I helped this man get a ps2 and this is how he repays me? Shame sir! Shame! The next time you need help explaining why you paid $75 on a Conan box set go ask Mule, see where that gets you.

So I'm back. I was on a world tour of my friend's moms. By the way - Mule give your mom a call and let her know the dog's okay. She worries when she's gone for so long. Oh and Balddee, I don't know if Blanco Papi is the same thing as Blanco Gringo but your ma sure likes to call me that. Especially after a couple mohitos. Good lord n' butter.

I'm not gonna get into the whole gay namecalling thing we had going on here for a while. I'm just going to throw out some pictures and let you, the good and intelligent masses, decide for yourself.

First off, the discussion surrounding the women of Battlestar Galactica and their collective hotness. They're not hot. I'm 100% positive on this one. They SEEM hot because they are working on a nerdalicious tv show but they are, in fact, not hot. But this isn't anything to be ashamed of. A girl's hotness is directly related to whether she does things you, the beholder, like.

Let's say a girl is a 7 on the ol' 0-10 scale. For me, if that girl owns a Jeep Wrangler, has a good golf swing or drinks scotch straight then she is a 10. The cooler the girl the hotter she becomes. Pretty simple. Balddee is the biggest scifi geek I know so obviously he's using this formula on his precious BG girls. For the record here is a photo comparison of Starbuck (old show, male) and Starbuck (new show, purportedly female). Thanks for arching that back baby, for a second I had you confused with the dude from the 70s. That was hot. Just so we're clear - I don't blame Balddee for this. I mean, if you can get a girl to throw away her entire acting career, agree to go to geekfests and sign tshirts for 300 lb teenagers AND do it on a channel nobody watches, well, I'm just saying it's probably not that hard to talk that girl into doing whatever kind of deviant sex you can dream up. I mean, Anal must be a walk in the park for a girl like that right?

Oh, and here's an artist's rendering of Dee, Balddee's favorite, just for shits n' giggles. I think this is one of those caricatures you can get at the mall if you're under 10 years old or a fucking retard.


Also, for someone being so concerned with other's Mo-ness (that's short for Homo for you kids scoring at home) I find it interesting that Balddee drives an Xb. Here's a photo.
I think it's actual size. When he drives it I think his head sticks out of the sunroof. Not sure though, it's hard to focus through the tears in my eyes and the violent bursts of laughter.

And I'm not saying that the xb would fit in on Mariokart, I'm just saying that it would be nice to go out on the town in the thing sometime without Bowser throwing red turtle shells at us. That's all. I don't judge.

From The Alley

Stepping out the backdoor, God moves over the water, salt drips from the wound. The dam, perhaps, broke and the curious, now, know what has been silent. The brand ripples ash, dropping three stories in a wanton love, in the mystery of rain.

Holding with each breath, triplets on the piano, the skin of the ocean is a mask, don't dare break surface, the fear of drowning in the freedom of air. Lightning scars and leaves, but not before it shows flaws. Little deaths erupt all around with the softness of volcanoes.

Stories flesh out old faces, each more elicit than the last, notes fall off the horizon, the belief the world is flat is too great a secret not to believe. Raindrop staccato explode their goodbye.

The gates will soon shut. A bang, another chorus of storms. The clash, the fury. The wind plays down the direction it's allowed, howling a sweet lullaby down the alley. The melodies harmony in wind chimes exhales the final coda.

Down to the earth, to dust. To belong to something if not willingly but to belong. To gospel from memory a babble a billion years old, to sing truth in a voice from no one, to soothsay morality in a bottle at sea, to believe, in a way, to be dead, in a way, to mime the refrain of another life and live forever.

Puddle scum in potholes; the dirt has grown groggy. More than three stories exist in this tenement building, but what matters now is-- Thunder! the canvas is a muddy blank

Harmon Palace

A friend of mine : Lets cal him Harmon .but for some of you

In the Bay area he's known as Carmen .

A sorted past but I don't hold it against him . ( I'm saintly in that way )
Nevertheless ..

He Confided in me a sad bard, a tale most Grim.

From his past wanton ways drinking more Man Milk then any Gays He has acquired what I like to respectfully call something tainted within .

A virus if you didn't know how do I put it , gives a froth ..?? instead of Yellow snow .

A feeling that hurts between the knees ?

Oh hell it burns when little Harmy pee's .

If you read on to this silly text .

What makes his tale more complex, is that Harmon likes the ladies, and the ladies like him .

He can ,, boast with the best of men ..

Chicks dig it only, cause he is a tad Feminine .

So he can dazzle them with crap that only women care about .

He speaks there Language with such ease it's verbal milk , there weak in the knees and I can sense the sweet pu-nanny a knocking .

On the outside the unfortunate guys stand there mocking or waiting for there own chances to unfold.

But blessed as I am I'm an insider to what can only be explained proper pussy planning I watch this talking display dumbfounded it truly is a sight to behold .

But the problem , his virtue and honesty.. "which only truly works for me "

Cause when he tells the truth of his leakiness.

Oh those chicks get distressed and I step in, just as there ready to run .

He sits there with a frown , he gets them wet and I ram them to hell

I know it's lame but break it down be for real .

Those heavy chested Cock sucking lipped chicks were meant for me to steal .

Cause who wants to Spoon with a DICK that's got a drip .

Nerds in Springtime

Dear readers, I hit a difficult realization at another crossroad of life last night. It was while watching the hit sci-fi channel generated series "Battlestar Gallactica". Month three of trying to wade my way through the entire series, bouyed in the knowledge that my friends continue to insist that the show is "good" and that the women that are on the show are in fact good looking.

It was while concluding the inagural season and trying to talk myself into beginning the second that I came to the conclusion that my friends are nerds and that one or two of them (the ones that find the women on this show to be good looking) might in fact be gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that, of course. Despite a potentially damning handicap that will not allow them to marry the person of their choice in most every state I'm sure that they would be more than happy with somebody like Man Face, or the lead female on the Battlestar show.

But this raises the larger issue to the forefront: That my friends are, indeed, nerds and should be treated as secondary people. That they would tape the show to study the insignias, the expressions on the faces of the characters to try to further gleen their meaning and that they would hold seminars on who is the finer looking lady Dee (Frogface) or Starbuck (an individual that could surely start next year as middle linebacker for the New England Patriots) from Battlestar further illustrates the need for them to leave the house. To go meet people outside of their Star Wars chatrooms, to actually heed the advice of live long and prosper. Not livelong and prosper in poor hygene and one's own vile.

I'm sure that all of these ladies are wonderful and have terrific personalities off of the set. They're probably married or have been in very supportive relationships with other people; people who might, in fact, not be nerds and are able to appreciate them as they should be appreciated. All I can speak for are my friends, many of whom I will not be introducing to men in drag for fear of ending some of their long term relationships outside of the television media.

Charade of Decency

Every day countless, Americans get divorced.

It's a growing epidemic sweeping this great land of ours .

Millions of couples deal with this experience, J-Lo and anybody that she dates, Brad and Jen , Brad and Angelina ( well not yet they have to wait until there child is 2 years old that's a Hollywood rule. )

But I digress ..

So what is the answer ?

One of the Major causes of this is the Lack of intimacy, lack of Communication and the loss of being a couple .

This can be cured and the answer is as simple as ABD .

Wives it begins with you, you have to start performing more Oral Stimulation, don't talk to us so much but blow us more often , in other words Helmet ladies grab that rod and face it more servings of Head please....

This is a problem for some women but keep this in mind, and be real about it ladies this has to do more with you being selfish then anything else don't it .

Right now millions of women are gasping at what I just said and they should be , they should be gasping for air with a stiffy in der mouf but that's another STORY .

This can be cured because ladies you need to remember your Husband wants you sexually all the time, this is his token of affection.

But this charade of decency has to stop!!!

Once women get married they forget there teens and twenties ,when they would blow a guy for a drink . ( Like you didn't do that )

Don't act like what I'm saying is so far off, want to prove me wrong ,Saturday Night. Any Town U.S.A for that matter and I am vindicated.

Hell Girls Gone Wild is just a video collection of who not to marry, it's a testament of guaranteed future wives who will get all prissy and not blow the man who walks to the store in Rain, Sleet or Snow, to get them Massengil or Tampons products or the man who will Freely give up his time and got to Home Depot on Big Sports Sunday and buy Window Treatments, but they'll bare there boobs for no profit I'm wrong .

( By the way those husbands that fit my example listed above should be Blown right on the spot but that too is another story)

The benefits to what I'm saying are astronomical ladies, if you keep cleaning those pipes this will return the intimacy , you drain him out guaranteed he'll clean your plate.

You can talk to him and he wont get all pissed off, it's hard to get mad at someone when you know at anytime in the day they might baptize the foreskin Hence the Communication opens up .. ( 360 degrees Ladies the Love flows 360 degrees)

Once all that opens up you will feel like a couple again hence saving the marriage and not becoming another statistic .

Balddee2
Is in no shape or form a Licensed Therapist and at no time is he qualified to give Marital Advice .
But really would it be that bad to suck off the man who really loves you.

A Simple Story

When I first stepped off the plane I knew things wouldn't be the same . I first decided to take a look around , see what kind of City I was getting into . You want to know don't you . What does it matter, what matters is that the wine is cheap and the Red Light District stretches on for blocks upon endless moan filled blocks . Why am I here, in probably one of the most decadent joints this side of the Atlantic . Doing research .... Research on the elusive Sandra Swallows . How can she be elusive if she works the RED Light district well that is what I came to find out. I had an Apple Martini a very Fruity drink for a 280 pound muscled Adonis such as myself but what the hell, I have the chiseled features that would make anyone stop and stare, my washboard abs are a site to behold my subtle thighs and tight Buns are I cant help myself. I fondle myself gently ohh so gently as I glance at my full masculine frame the mere site of me always excites me , I always aim to please I'm such a tease. Within seconds the fondling becomes full on groping which leads to full on. Chicken clenching , Feeding the Geese, Flocking the Herd ,Marinating the Portions ,Exposing the Kids to frigid Temperatures. I was lost in my own image I jerked with wild abandon . I was beating my slogan as if it were the last day on earth as if by some grand design the sound of my skin flapping like fish out of water was the sound of a choir singing in perfect harmony, you know what I'm saying . We've all been there.. Suddenly I'm taken back when Sandra is standing there disgusted at the whole display I offer my hand and introduce myself with my man cake spread all over the place . I offer her a muffin I informed her that it's Pube Free . She seems disturbed yet intrigued at the exuberance of my self inflicted love fest, without missing a beat the elusive Sandra Swallows drops to her knees and grabs my Man pipe and ........

The BMC Social Project - An Ongoing Study

Many of you have asked “sure, BMC makes the interweb a better place but what does it do for my community in the real world?” It’s a valid question. And one we don’t take lightly. I’d like to personally take a moment to thank Bob from Pequot Lakes for emailing us weekly for information on the topic. It’s that kind of can do attitude that makes Bob a Minnesota Man and not a Minnesota Mannot. You rock out with your cock out sir. No, no, it’s true. I only speak truth. I was going to write about how my farts are downright feisty today but you've motivated me to new heights, and the world will be better for it. But just so we're clear, my farts are definitely worthy of a column today. They have a zestiness that's just so so...newsworthy I guess. I'll leave it at this; my farts are normally like tortilla chips. Not really great or anything, but a daily staple. But today's farts, well they're like the fancy bags with a catchy name like "fiesta style" or whatever and they have the standard yellowish chips but also the blue corn or red chips thrown in too. That's the best way to describe them. If there's a party in my pants then don't worry about bringing the appetizers, I've got it covered.


But to Bob’s point, and quickly now for the news I have to share with you fine folks is of great import. How exactly does BMC improve the world at large? Well for one thing we’ve managed to keep Ellen off the streets. Thereby saving her from a life of petty crime and $5 handjobs and also saving several men from a really fucking terrible handjob. Just ask Mule, he still can’t look at a bottle of Aloe Vera without mumbling “if only you’d been there with me”. It’s a terrible thing. Just terrible. The handjobs, not the whole Mule in pain thing. That’s pretty standard around here actually.

So again, to Bob’s point – be patient Bob, we’ll get there – what does BMC do to improve the community? Several years ago Mule and I (and assorted financial backers and semi-interested motorists) sat down for a meeting. We discussed our 5 Keys to a successful life. I won’t bore you with the details of them all (for some of them have yet to pass) but I will fill you in on Key #2.

Key #2 – In order to fully understand and appreciate our world through all perspectives we sent forth a youngster, 13, into the black community. He has been an embedded reporter within this community for several years now. In fact, he’s been so deep undercover that he probably no longer realizes that he was born a white child in rural Wisconsin. He would probably punch me right now in the face if he were sitting with me. But he’s not here so we’re good to go.

This young man has adapted very well to his community and culture. He’s learned new languages (espanol punta!), learned to play the guitar (and possibly other instruments – I’ve only seen the one show), and even procreated. For most he just seems like a normal black man. He's a big dude, and not Fat Albert big, I mean big like a fucking linebacker. A loquacious motherfucker when he wants to be. A snappy dresser. (I’ve seen him pull off a shirt that would only look appropriate on a pirate ship or in something written by Jane Austen.) And, on a side note, this last paragraph is REALLY not helping me in fending off his theory that I want to be Jack and he can be the chocolate beanstalk. That he wants to be MC Hammer and I want to be a pair of shiny gold Hammer pants. Uh oh, uh oh here comes the hammer...


So what makes you think that this 13 year old white kid believes he is a black man? Let’s run down the list shall we?

- He loves and discusses comic books openly in public.
- He plays guitar instead of dropping beats. Fans of the Chappelle show will see how true this is.
- He likes calling himself “Chocolate Thunder”.
- He hates it when I call myself “White Lightning” and suggest forming a crimefighting duo.
- He thinks vengeance should involve a lightsaber.
- When he gets angry he’s known to yell “Hulk Smash!”.
- If given the chance he will throw out lines from Conan the Barbarian.
- He refuses to call Mule and I "white devils" despite our obvious whiteness and devilishness.

I realize that I said that we sent him out several years ago at age 13 and then mentioned that he still is in fact 13 today. This is true. I don’t know how to explain it but the data is undeniable. I mean, it’s possible that he’s just really, really fucking immature I guess... The stats are hard to break down when it comes to that sort of thing. But I'm fairly confident in my findings.

So Mule and I (and various financial backers and confused motorists) have been collecting data on what life is like living in NordEast as a black man. And we can now share that information with you. Because our embedded reporter has finally established a satellite linkup and has contacted us. And man does he have some shit to say...

California: Stay Away Chili Peppers

In what many legal experts are calling a shocking move, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced Tuesday that he would sign a bill that would never allow the Red Hot Chili Peppers to use their states name in a song again. The bill was introduced by assemblymen Dick Mountjoy (A republican from Monrovia) as part of Save Our State: Part II, Armageddon Again.

Local Democrats are calling the bill "Election year propaganda and a tired remake of old stock footage."

One local businessman disgusted with his government stated, "Didn't we already see this movie? Isn't this whole thing based off of that movie Airheads or something?"

The bill, which quickly passed the House, is expected to be brought to committee in the Senate shortly. As the Governor’s translator is expecting deportation due to the new immigration laws, most of the Governor's speech was incompressible. Margita Thompson, the governor's press secretary, did say that this would be used in the Governor's upcoming re-election campaign or bid for the Presidency. "Most likely we'll use the Governor's strong gestures with the song Born in the USA played over it."

This announcement comes as a major blow to the Chili Peppers on the release of Dani California, the hip new single coming off of their forthcoming Stadium Arcadium Album.

The state of Indiana looks like the front runner for accepting the Chili Peppers bid for asylum. Legal Advisor to Bad Mother Coitus, Marlon Maxey sites, "This could deepen the animosity between California and Indiana, two well known enemies within the Union going back all the way to the Civil War. Indiana represents the next logical stop for bands from Los Angeles [California] to migrate to. Both cultures are virtual mirrors of intelligence to one another."

Undisclosed sources close to the Chili Peppers state that re-issues of their back catalog could be in the works: Indianification and a reworking of Under the Bridge as a touching tribute and an olive branch to former University of Indiana Head Coach Bob Knight. Spokespeople for VH1 are already in the works updating the Chili Peppers Behind the Music. Although one member of VH1 has disclosed "They're moving to fucking Indiana, how do we make this end on a positive note?" No release date for the updated show has been announced.

Coy Koi

With your feet on the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah...

another jet takes off, flying south to someplace presumably more fun than here. the angry man in the truck tools around the neighborhood. i can tell he's angry because he's got a grim reaper on the side of his truck (known as a doughboy in trucking circles) and a large sign asking "is NWA safe?" he's not actually answering the question but he's certainly emphatic about asking it. which i suppose is what you do when you've been laid off and have some free time...and a grim reaper decal or two...and no interest in your old company ever getting back on its feet again.

my brain has the computing power of leftover hamburger helper.

Your head will collapse if there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself...

the american flag flutters in the breeze and i'm surprised that i like it. seems so cheesy. we've got bald eagles around here now too. if toby keith shows up to put on a free concert i think i'll have to enlist with the marines or something. that's how cheesy this place can be. but fortunately the bald eagle usually avoids the airport parking lot flag and toby keith is nowhere to be seen. and actually, now that i think about it, the only place i've ever heard the man is in my dad's garage so he's really not much of a threat to be heard either. you hear me keith? sonically speaking you are no threat!

my brain remembers names about as well as a nice onion bagel with lox does.

Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Way out in the water, see it swimming...

the flag flutters away but the trees make no movement at all. sturdy little fellows. kinda makes you wonder when all the nations in the world choose something so malleable, so willing to bend with the wind, as their international signs of...whatever. toughness, grace, pride...all flexible. and yes i just compared our perception of nations to a flag blowing in the wind. and no i'm not reading from a book entitled "john denver's unfinished masterpiece".

my brain, after a few drinks, thinks i can dance, but only for 2 seconds at a time.

I was swimmin in the caribbean
animals were hiding behind the rock.
except for little fish
when they told me east is west tryin to talk to me
coy koi...

when i was a kid i loved Gary Gnu. "there's no g-news without Gary G-nu". or something like that. anyway, i always thought he was part of the muppet show or sesame street. i have no idea why. i mean, sure, he's a puppet and all, but i always assumed he was slightly different too, like the muppet show equivalent to fraggle rock. in fact, he was part of a show called The Great SpaceCoaster or something like that. i have no memory of it. except for Gary. who i thought was on another show. and i knew he seemed a lot like the muppets/sesame street gang but i also knew he was slightly different. but not totally.

my brain, in many ways, is akin to a can of tuna fish.

Where is my mind
Where is my mind
Where is my mind...

so the question has to be how come i remember gary but not the rest of the show? what the hell is up with that? am i just getting old? stupid? and now that i think of it why the heck did kermit the frog do guest spots as a reporter on sesame street? what was that about? and, more importantly, why did i always get fired up for kermit? i mean, no other muppet could elicit such a response. none. and i loved the muppets. i was way fired up. i have no explanation. i don't even think i understood what a cameo role was back then.

my brain has allowed me to forget what it's like to be a kid. This pisses me off.

With your feet on the air and your head on the ground
try this trick and spin it, yeah.

Motto

There's not a whole lot of philosophy in the big book o' Harmon. I just have one thing that I use in most situations and that's that. And frankly it's served me well to this point.

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Those are words to live by friends. Life's no fun if you can't rattle an occasional cage or two. I mention this because Ellen (Mule's Above Average Assistant and Waaaaaaaaaay Above Average Racist) cannot take a joke. I gave Todd Dancer her number the other day and well, let's just say the date went well. Fuckably well. And now there are many curious burning episodes whilst peeing and odd little itchy areas. Like it's my fault that she didn't see nothin' wrong with a little bump n' grind? BMC HQ is in shambles thanks to her no joking around philosophy. We may need to let her go. I'm having her type up a report weighing the benefits of such a decision. We should probably have someone else working on this sort of thing but, well, we're pretty lazy.

Hopefully she won't commit any hate crimes today. Fortunately she seems really hung up on "the mangy dogs of greenland". I know this because she's said that exact phrase at least 6 times. I say fortunately because I know no one from greenland. I'm not even confident that they have people there. Or, more importantly, if the people there have come here. It's entirely possible that she's talking about actual dogs. I have no way of telling. I should have her give me a population report on greenland I guess, but that just seems like stirring the pot.

For the moment there is an unsteady truce and I hope to stick to it. Mule is currently stapled to a wall in his office but I think that's one of their "games" that they play. If he can't remember the safety word well, hell, that's just not my problem. I don't know exactly how the whole ball-gag thing works with a safety word. Maybe you pick a word that's easy to say with a gigantic red ball in your mouth? Can I get a ruling? Littlebmouse you must know what that's like, what do you normally do in that sort of situation?

MakeOutCity recently called me on the whole crackdown at work not really affecting my blogging. Wasting time on the interweb is not to be tolerated. And it isn't... If you're a temp. But I've been here a few years and I know what I'm doing. So again, if you happen to be overly literal management types, see my motto.

Make Out, Bonesaw and Little B

Thanks for your comments and concerns. Except for Little B who is no doubt a jerk and should rot in hell for all eternity. Your comments have made us all stupider.

Make Out- Yes, it was a gross miscalculation on my part to forget that Milwaukee is, indeed in possession of a second franchise. Our intern, Ellen, who joined Mulemerica in hopes of getting in on the ground floor of my grandiose ideals of world domination, did some poor research on this and she shall be punished like the naughty, naughty, naughty girl that she is. On a side note, if anybody knows how to get a woman to stop reading books about Eva Braun and they could forward this information to me, it would make me feel more comfortable. I keep thinking her casual interest in turning the BMC office into a bunker and pretending the Russians are coming is becoming a little too Springtime for Hitler-esque. Boom! Kick turn, boom kick turn.

But to the point of comparing Green Bay (And, for the record, it's not that I have anything against Green Bay, the good city or the professional football team that resides there. It's more of the stupid sport that has no cultural value and is only watched by morons that can't comprehend what real sports are and probably kill puppies and only watch action movies.) and New York. When I wrote it I didn't feel that strong about the actual content of the paragraph, but I really liked the point. As Intern Ellen pointed out it didn't really fit in with the rest of the column, but by then the Wild Turkey had set in and I figured the two people that read the website on a regular basis wouldn't call me on it soooo.... Yeah, you win.

But everybody that reads this could be a winner if they check out your website from the Robot Chicken DVD release at the Playboy Mansion. Was that a shameless plug? It felt like a shameless plug? Did I just sell out?

Little B. - Freddie Garcia sure looked good yesterday. Just think what a wonderful world it would be if we could all work every fifth day. Then, when we show up decide to only work for a little over half the day and then really, really, suck at our job. And on top of it, to be paid millions.

But your rather eloquent comments have made me bend my mind towards more important matters. Mostly how can the Bitch Sox afford to lavish such lucrative salaries upon their players. Using simple macro and micro economics, the five fans that are off black tar heroin long enough to cheer for the Sux, obviously can't support them. The Bitch Sox share WGN with the Cubs, so obviously, any smart TV exec would know that the ratings aren't going to be there for the Sux. So then... how..? if you're sniffing out foul play (and by play I mean a reworking and/or real life situation of Christopher Marlow's hit "The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus") you might be onto something.

Bonesaw - Thanks for writing in. I had Ellen do some research for me on the actual history of Cinco de Mayo, and this is what she found: That they should all be shot.

I'm seriously starting to think that Ellen might be a little bit of a racist. I can't prove this, but I have her doing some research on it.

The Crackdown

I got the following email this morning from management.

"Last week, it was brought to my attention that some of our staff have been observed utilizing the internet for personal use during business hours. As a reminder, please keep your personal internet usage confined to your lunch and break periods."

This is particularly entertaining because my boss is the only person I know who spends more time online than I do. It's also kind of fun because he'll ask me to look up information online for him at times. I spend a fair amount of time on the ol' interweb. This is not a secret. Heck, I'm writing this right now when I could be running reports or doing something similarly productive. Obviously I'm taking this with a grain of salt, or rather so many grains of salt that I could use it to store meat. But I found it entertaining.

Last night baseball, in almost all its glory, began anew. I say "almost" all its glory because the two teams that I have sworn a bloodfeud with for the year were playing. I can't stand either team (The White Sox for being stupid enough to have their logo in Olde English and the Indians for being really fucking talented). But it's baseball so I was pleased.

I was very pleased to see the baseball gods call down a three hour rain delay on the game. Welcome back to your Chisox smiting ways baseball gods. At some point in time I hope to write the following sentence - "And the sky opened up, and a great rain did fall. Buehrle fell to his knees in awe, he then was judiciously smited by the baseball god of Southpaws, for Buehrle was a disgrace in the eyes of the Gods when compared to the Angelic presence of Johan Santana." Seriously, I hope to write that.

For now I'll just have to enjoy knowing that CC Sabathia managed to pull his hambone (or was it Calzonebone?) and had to shut 'er down. I'm not a professional genius or anything but chances are when you weigh 375 pounds and pitch for a living you might have a problem with pulled muscles. I hate to laugh at a guy who got injured but, well, I did send out a text message to all baseball fans that said "suck it cc" when I saw him go down. I regret nothing. Anyone who wears his hat cocked to the side like that deserves a trip to the 15 day DL.

Just under 33 hours until Santana Vs Holladay begins. It's my understanding the baseball Gods already have their peanuts shelled and their dogs have been dragged through the garden. If you listen closely around 6:05 tomorrow night you'll be able to hear a few gods skipping gleefully. Usually they're pretty badass so it's something to watch for.