So I'm riding up the elevator...

mule - after picking up a bag of cheetos (anything to 1. rid me of this vicious vicious hangover and 2. sober me up should be roughly equated with manna from the Gods) and I have a plastic knife in my hand (because... well, why wouldn't I), when the notion creeps into my head: How many people could I kill with said butter knife prior to being stomped, restrained or beaten within an inch of my life.

This thought crossed my mind as three folk had the indecency to crowd into my elevator, and proceed to talk the entire time we were enclosed together. All three of them were older members of the human herd, and despite their age wise handicap I'm certain that one of them was some sort of Korean veteran or at least a Wiley veteran. So, essay question of Wednesday:

How many groups of three older folk (including one Korean Vets/Wiley Vet) do you think you could take, armed only with a plastic butter knife in a confined situation?

If you think you could take more than the first three, let us assume that an additional 3 would drop, a la the original Double Dragon side scrolling awesomeness, from the ceiling so you could continue. Along with that, you will not receive a new batch until justice has been dispensed on all three of a grouping.

Night Train - I think I could go until the knife breaks.

mule - I considered that, but wouldn't the butter knife then be sharper and more pointy and you would have two, and with dos deuces, the prawn cracker always wins.

balddee - WTF !!!

Unless You have spent any … amount of time researching you would have to know that For the best efficiency of said blade you would have to get some sort of edge and reinforce the blade handle with a lot of tape . I’m not clear .. Are we looking for clean kills or massive Conan style slashing ??

mule - Well, you are using a plastic butter knife so I would say massive Conan style slashing, obviously.

Harmon - will the felled bodies remain piled up on the floor, thus limiting range and access to weak points, as you move through the sets of 3? or do the new 3 drag the previous 3 out prior to submitting to plastic butter knife justice?

mule - I considered this too, because the amount of damaged goods would seem like a Denise Richard's show, but yeah, the footing would definitely play a factor. I think you have to remove the bodies, but I will give you a caveat. You have to justificate all over the current three prior to the elevator door opening, otherwise they remain on the floor while you have a new grouping of three and the time to cleanse the elevator would strike again. Thusly, if you were a slow and unsavage killer the bodies would stack up gloriously and you would probably die.

Harmon - i disagree. if you're a savvy and brilliant plastic knifesman you could (and by "you" i mean "me", because you're incompetent) drop the carcasses in such a way that would protect your exposed side whilst attacking the new set of 3. if done properly one (but not you people) could certainly route your attackers into an even more confined space, where only the business end of a plastic butterknife awaits them. it's sort of a really extreme and more amply clothed version of the battle of thermopylae.

mule - So what, Charlie, you're going to hold the carcass of some dead Korean war vet at your side while you're fighting the next set of three... That sounds like some fuzzy math and yet again, your history fails you. You're going to be expending far too much energy cord stacking old people to have enough to battle the next round.

Besides, what size space are you going for? Like the back of a Volkswagen?

Now who's incompetent... and I mean that like it's an incompliment.

Harmon - i won't be doing any stacking. i'll be attacking in a manner that will force them to fall a certain way. no extra energy used and i've made myself a meatfort.

mule - Meatfort? You can take the Harmon out of gay pride, but you can't take the gay out of Harmon. Your logic still alludes me. You're standing in a 4 x 6 box which we'll generously say it's 10 feet deep... even if you're killing them in such a manner that they stay on their feet, you're still screwed... your kung fu is weak old man. Speaking of weak: Balddee. I can't believe he went to that movie by himself, and oh, look no my phone didn't ring... and get this, they work both ways... jerk... justice will be dispensed on him after he gets back from his tiny manhood therapy session.

Harmon - the box is 4x6 but we'll generously say it's 10 feet deep? uh, no we won't. in this scenario does the 6 represent the height of the elevator? i don't know if you know this but generally when the depth is 4 feet and the width is 6 feet you wouldn't normally then expect the depth to be anything other than what you just defined, which is 4 feet. are you just adding the numbers together and hoping for the best? what year did you letter in high school for your work with the mathletes?

Night Train - Do these people ascribe to 1 particular geographic location? I reason that a chain smoking former vegas cocktail waitress will have more leathery skin, which may impede the mad slashing. You get three of those at the same time and it's game over.

Harmon - true, but if you do manage to puncture their salty hides i think they just explode into a cloud of dust, so there's a big payoff.

mule - What sort of busted ass geography did they teach you at Holy Angels High School? 10 feet from floor to effing ceiling, four feet from door to effing back wall, 6 feet from side wall to effing side wall. Notice how I through cute ephanisms for swear words in there, so you're MTV programmed mind would have the attention span to stick with the entire message. Take that Fall-out Boy!

Harmon - you're right, i'm crazy for thinking that when you say "deep" you're talking about depth, rather than height. So is Lanky Beaver33 6 feet, 6 inches deep? and, for the record, i realize that last sentence demands a dirty followup such as "in your mom" but i'm just too classy to do it.

other corrections from muley's email: I didn't go to Holy Angels, it's spelled "euphemisms", it's "threw" instead of "through" and i have never heard a fall out boy song.

mule 0 - harmayo 2 billion (rounded down).

Lanky Beaver33 - Thanks for the compliment Harm but I'm just the national average plus 3"

mule - Wow, you're deep.

You and your little Scientologist pal Night Train must be laughing all the way back to the alien space craft on this one. Are you sure you didn't go to Holy Angels? Isn't that where all you Southtown Girls go? Although I just threw my queso up through my nose at the picture of Harmayo in a cath-- ugh, there it goes again -- ish PIGTAILS... NO, Dear God No!

Harmon - i think you owe it to america to never fantasize about me in pigtails again. i mean, it's 2 days from the 4th of july, have you no patriotic pride?

mule - Oh, eff no... not, Harmayo in - [vulgar throw up sound] catholic... holy shi-- angels [barf, barf, etc. etc.] hiding [spew] behind the cap'n america shield... [mule throws up so hard he passes out] One of Night Trains' alien buddies revives him... and purges his memory of that uncontrollably evil alien... Maybe those Scientologists are okay after all. I still despise Night Train though...

Harmon - for being so horrified you certainly seem to want to keep on revisiting it.

mule - I've always hated you...