Hanging with Harmon part 6

I begin to panic... I can feel the rage taking over me all the years and Months of Anger Management being tossed to Shit.

I make another call to the only person I know who has the patience to deal with what I’m seeing Killer Smurf after a brief conversation I return to the Living room only to see Satchel , Bel and Harmon playing pass the Ball gag , yeah they were passing it too each other via mouf to mouf .

I was beside myself I yelled “I’m getting the fuck out of here this is fucked up “.

Harmon stopped and looked at me with such sadness it literally stopped me in my tracks.
“Sorry men were just relaxing before the main event “he explained.

“Main Event”? I said.

Yup he replies as he moves away from me rubbing his belly “Guess who’s bringing the Sexy? “ He shouts out and grabs the Corona from Bel and slams it down his gullet.

I hear the sound of a loud motor in the drive way I can’t believe it Mule Actually showed up. I can’t even begin to explain to you the dancing that Harmon and his crew got into all I remember is going to bathroom and staring at myself in the mirror , don’t hurt anyone man I kept thinking to myself don’t hurt anyone . In the distance I can hear Harmon and Satchel belting out Mariah Carey’s Touch my Body. I can’t take anymore of this. When I leave this bathroom they are going to die!

Hanging With Harmon part 5

I felt horrible for smacking Harmon but it was the only way to wake him up from whatever he was on. You don’t answer the door dressed like that c’mon.

He began to sob this was really starting off on the wrong foot I begged him please do not start crying around me I don’t have a compassionate bone in my body to hear a Man cry it really pisses me off.

I could see the tear begging to form in the corner of his eye as his eyes began to swell I unconsciously my fist began to ball up and form. Suddenly footsteps coming from upstairs it got my attention “Who that “? II ask?

“Satchel he’s upstairs”. Harmon Replies rubbing his cheek

Now since you nice folks don’t understand the only thing that’s upstairs in Harmon’s Place is his master bedroom and his work office. He never and I mean Never lets anyone into his work office so naturally Satchel had to be in his Bedroom...

“What the fuck is going on here “! I yell out.

Nothing Satchel calmly replies

As Satchel walks up to me I can’t help but notice that he is wearing a French Maid Outfit
Unconsciously my fist starts zooming in on his head when. Yet again I hear footsteps coming from the Basement It’s Bel and he has a beer in his hand and WEARING Short shorts and a t- Shirt that reads Condoleezza the San Francisco treat .

I reach for my Phone and call Mule he doesn’t Pick up I scream into the Phone
"Get over here I’m going to Fucking kill Harmon!!! And hang up.

Hanging with Harmon part 4

He says in that cliché drunken stupor that you have heard people do in countless movies. I shrug him off “Balddee”! I explain are you kidding me.
My comment pissed Mule off without another word he grabs me and pushes me to the Kitchen where I can’t believe what I ‘m seeing.

“Now do you understand?” Mule says “Harmon is the President of the Judge Dredd Movie Fan Club East Coast chapter”.
There he is Harmon, Satchel & Bel In full costume dressed as the Cannibalistic Angel Family... You remember them they were going to eat Dredd after his plane crash. (Mule caught me up to speed on all that)
Satchel is Link, Bel is Junior and Harmon is the mutated Ming.

I am disgusted, as I look around my gaze catches an enraged and Bloody Balddee staring at me from the corner of the room. I approach him cautiously and quietly ask “Why is Harmon’s finger Broken and why Judge Dredd? “

Hanging With Harmon part 3

I was sitting down preparing my famous triple stack Mushroom and Cheese filled Veggie burger when the phone rang.
I really contemplated answering the phone because I needed some down time.
I should followed my instincts, I picked up the line to hear balddee telling me that I need to come over to Harmon’s, Mule and a couple of the guys from Work were there already and apparently an intervention was in order to prevent Harmon from hurting himself .
Now truth is told I can’t stand Balddee he’s a Jerk and Harmon will probably be safer with me looking out for his interest then Balddee.

I don’t even remember driving to Harmon’s I just remember knocking on his door, Mule answers the door begrudgingly he hands me an opened beer clearly he had be sipping on cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth he looks frustrated to say the least . I decline his beverage and make my way past him and continue on to the Kitchen where I hear the commotion but before I can enter Mule grabs my shoulder hey “ Fucker hold up he says you don’t want to go in there it’s really bad let Balddee deal with it “ .

Hanging with Harmon Part 2

I arrived at Harmon's house around 6:30ish. Not too early so I would have to hang out that late; not too late where he would already be into some of his kinky shit. But judging by the pink hot pants, I had guessed wrong.

"So this is why you haven't been blogging lately?" I said, removing a cigarette and openly smoking in his house. A sin that Harmon largely frowned upon, and a tricky habit I usually was only capable of doing in his bathroom.

I pulled in on the cigarette, what had happened here? Why was there a ball gag in Harmon's mouth? Why were all of his fingers broken? Was one of his cruel live action role playing friends extending the boundaries of the game? Was this some sort of revenge by a co-worker making amends for Harmon's heinous gas? Or was this just some local tough that had seen a grown man wearing hot pants and decided to send a message to the rest of the neighborhood?

I thought of asking Harmon. But as I bandied about my blade watching the light catch the cold, blue steel and stream into Harmon's pleading eyes, I thought better of it. There is something simple and nice about hanging out with a Harmon that can't talk.

Hanging With Harmon Part 1

Against my better judgment I decided to hang out with Harmon let me rephrase .

In a desperate move I was contacted by Harmon’s Physiatrists who then, strongly urged me to please keep an eye on Harmon as currently he was in a bad mental state .

Who am I to not help someone in need I ‘m like Mother Theresa but with Man Parts

For those of you who may not know ole Harmy you probably read about him in the paper at the Last Star Trek convention he got his beat up by trekkies for Dressing up like a Klingon / Sith Lord yep Harmon bought a Lightsaber to a Star Trek Convention.

Those Trekkies beat the crap out of him but that’s Harmon.

So where was I ….oh yeah so I show up at his place to see how he’s doing .

He answers the door wearing a Pink Charlie’s Angels Shirt , Black Spandex pants and bright red Flip flops upon seeing this my first and only instinct was to slap the shit out of him and I did .

So I'm riding up the elevator...

mule - after picking up a bag of cheetos (anything to 1. rid me of this vicious vicious hangover and 2. sober me up should be roughly equated with manna from the Gods) and I have a plastic knife in my hand (because... well, why wouldn't I), when the notion creeps into my head: How many people could I kill with said butter knife prior to being stomped, restrained or beaten within an inch of my life.

This thought crossed my mind as three folk had the indecency to crowd into my elevator, and proceed to talk the entire time we were enclosed together. All three of them were older members of the human herd, and despite their age wise handicap I'm certain that one of them was some sort of Korean veteran or at least a Wiley veteran. So, essay question of Wednesday:

How many groups of three older folk (including one Korean Vets/Wiley Vet) do you think you could take, armed only with a plastic butter knife in a confined situation?

If you think you could take more than the first three, let us assume that an additional 3 would drop, a la the original Double Dragon side scrolling awesomeness, from the ceiling so you could continue. Along with that, you will not receive a new batch until justice has been dispensed on all three of a grouping.

Night Train - I think I could go until the knife breaks.

mule - I considered that, but wouldn't the butter knife then be sharper and more pointy and you would have two, and with dos deuces, the prawn cracker always wins.

balddee - WTF !!!

Unless You have spent any … amount of time researching you would have to know that For the best efficiency of said blade you would have to get some sort of edge and reinforce the blade handle with a lot of tape . I’m not clear .. Are we looking for clean kills or massive Conan style slashing ??

mule - Well, you are using a plastic butter knife so I would say massive Conan style slashing, obviously.

Harmon - will the felled bodies remain piled up on the floor, thus limiting range and access to weak points, as you move through the sets of 3? or do the new 3 drag the previous 3 out prior to submitting to plastic butter knife justice?

mule - I considered this too, because the amount of damaged goods would seem like a Denise Richard's show, but yeah, the footing would definitely play a factor. I think you have to remove the bodies, but I will give you a caveat. You have to justificate all over the current three prior to the elevator door opening, otherwise they remain on the floor while you have a new grouping of three and the time to cleanse the elevator would strike again. Thusly, if you were a slow and unsavage killer the bodies would stack up gloriously and you would probably die.

Harmon - i disagree. if you're a savvy and brilliant plastic knifesman you could (and by "you" i mean "me", because you're incompetent) drop the carcasses in such a way that would protect your exposed side whilst attacking the new set of 3. if done properly one (but not you people) could certainly route your attackers into an even more confined space, where only the business end of a plastic butterknife awaits them. it's sort of a really extreme and more amply clothed version of the battle of thermopylae.

mule - So what, Charlie, you're going to hold the carcass of some dead Korean war vet at your side while you're fighting the next set of three... That sounds like some fuzzy math and yet again, your history fails you. You're going to be expending far too much energy cord stacking old people to have enough to battle the next round.

Besides, what size space are you going for? Like the back of a Volkswagen?

Now who's incompetent... and I mean that like it's an incompliment.

Harmon - i won't be doing any stacking. i'll be attacking in a manner that will force them to fall a certain way. no extra energy used and i've made myself a meatfort.

mule - Meatfort? You can take the Harmon out of gay pride, but you can't take the gay out of Harmon. Your logic still alludes me. You're standing in a 4 x 6 box which we'll generously say it's 10 feet deep... even if you're killing them in such a manner that they stay on their feet, you're still screwed... your kung fu is weak old man. Speaking of weak: Balddee. I can't believe he went to that movie by himself, and oh, look no my phone didn't ring... and get this, they work both ways... jerk... justice will be dispensed on him after he gets back from his tiny manhood therapy session.

Harmon - the box is 4x6 but we'll generously say it's 10 feet deep? uh, no we won't. in this scenario does the 6 represent the height of the elevator? i don't know if you know this but generally when the depth is 4 feet and the width is 6 feet you wouldn't normally then expect the depth to be anything other than what you just defined, which is 4 feet. are you just adding the numbers together and hoping for the best? what year did you letter in high school for your work with the mathletes?

Night Train - Do these people ascribe to 1 particular geographic location? I reason that a chain smoking former vegas cocktail waitress will have more leathery skin, which may impede the mad slashing. You get three of those at the same time and it's game over.

Harmon - true, but if you do manage to puncture their salty hides i think they just explode into a cloud of dust, so there's a big payoff.

mule - What sort of busted ass geography did they teach you at Holy Angels High School? 10 feet from floor to effing ceiling, four feet from door to effing back wall, 6 feet from side wall to effing side wall. Notice how I through cute ephanisms for swear words in there, so you're MTV programmed mind would have the attention span to stick with the entire message. Take that Fall-out Boy!

Harmon - you're right, i'm crazy for thinking that when you say "deep" you're talking about depth, rather than height. So is Lanky Beaver33 6 feet, 6 inches deep? and, for the record, i realize that last sentence demands a dirty followup such as "in your mom" but i'm just too classy to do it.

other corrections from muley's email: I didn't go to Holy Angels, it's spelled "euphemisms", it's "threw" instead of "through" and i have never heard a fall out boy song.

mule 0 - harmayo 2 billion (rounded down).

Lanky Beaver33 - Thanks for the compliment Harm but I'm just the national average plus 3"

mule - Wow, you're deep.

You and your little Scientologist pal Night Train must be laughing all the way back to the alien space craft on this one. Are you sure you didn't go to Holy Angels? Isn't that where all you Southtown Girls go? Although I just threw my queso up through my nose at the picture of Harmayo in a cath-- ugh, there it goes again -- ish PIGTAILS... NO, Dear God No!

Harmon - i think you owe it to america to never fantasize about me in pigtails again. i mean, it's 2 days from the 4th of july, have you no patriotic pride?

mule - Oh, eff no... not, Harmayo in - [vulgar throw up sound] catholic... holy shi-- angels [barf, barf, etc. etc.] hiding [spew] behind the cap'n america shield... [mule throws up so hard he passes out] One of Night Trains' alien buddies revives him... and purges his memory of that uncontrollably evil alien... Maybe those Scientologists are okay after all. I still despise Night Train though...

Harmon - for being so horrified you certainly seem to want to keep on revisiting it.

mule - I've always hated you...