Minnesota Twins Drunken Bar Fight - Kent Hrbek Bracket

This entire week's worth of columns owe Billy Martin a huge debt. Billy was the manager of the Twins for a short period of time. That's not really important though. What is important is that during his time with the Twins he happened to get into a drunken bar fight with one of his players.

We here at BMC Headquarters happen to think this is fantastic. We think there should be a statue of Billy slugging Dave Boswell right outside the big, inflatable toilet we like to call the Dome. Or, at the very least, outside the Mall of America which stands on the ground that used to be the Twins' home back in the day. Unfortunately the statue has not been erected to this point so we're just going to have to contribute in our own little way.

This is day one of the Drunken Bar Fight Tournament. If all goes as planned then we should be crowning a winner this Friday some time. I'm handling the Hrbek and Killer brackets and Mule will be hammering out the details of the Puckett and Tony O brackets. For more information on the rules of this here contest I recommend you check out the post here or just scroll down a bit you lazy so and so's.

There have been a few revisions to the combatants since last week. The logistics involved with using the entire 40 man roster (including many players that even supergeeks don't know yet) and past and present team-related folks seemed like a lot of work so we blew it off and toned the tournament down to a much more manageable 32 fighters. Maybe someone, somewhere is lamenting the exclusion of Errol Simonitsch (minor league pitcher) on this list. To that person I say "Fuck off". Seriously. Outside of having a sweet name and a helluva reach (Errol's 6 foot 4) he's really not that interesting.

Now, our plan is to knock this thing out in a week as a means to kill off some time before pitchers and catchers report and also because we're guessing two weeks of reading about Pat Neshek engaged in fisticuffs with Naked BP might bore you and, more importantly, us. But we guarantee nothing. We're not what we would call "planners" or "organized individuals" (as evidenced by our failure to sort out how to show brackets on this here site) so you'll just have to bear with us. Or tune us out. We get that a lot too. We consider it a valid option in most cases. You may tune us out 99 times out of a 100. BUT NOT TODAY! Today, you read what we write. Today, you laugh at our jokes. Today, you win.

So, without further ado. Let's kick this pig...(and yes I just referred to an emotional, and probably slightly fictionalized, speech from a hockey game and then threw out a football reference as well to introduce this baseball blog)......

HRBEK BRACKET

A Northwoods bar, probably somewhere very close to Bemidji, is the host site for this year's Hrbek Bracket. Several dead animals are mounted in various sinister poses along the walls. We've got a vaulted ceiling, the scent of pine, and a rather nice hot stove in the middle of the room.

1 - Ron "Gardy" Gardenhire
8 - Jason Bartlett

4 - Kyle Lohse
5 - Bert Blyleven

3 - Rondell (RonDL) White
6 - Herb Carneal

7 - Unknown Free Agent
2 - Terry Ryan

1 Gardy vs 8 Bartlett

Drink of Choice
Gardy - Shot and a Beer
Bartlett - Daquiri

Gardy's what you and I like to call an avid bowler so he has his favorite ball "Pearl" with him on this fine occasion. Gardy's been drinking all day so he's pretty much ready for game time. Bartlett is baby faced and it took him 10 minutes to get past Merle, the 70 year old bouncer at the front door. Merle actually knew he was old enough, he just likes messing with the youngsters.

The fight, like you would expect, starts over playing time. Bartlett wants more and the manager isn't in the mood to hand it out to a kid who hasn't earned it yet. Bartlett immediately tries to work the right side of Gardy. Gardy's been expecting this since the kid seems like a natural 2 hitter and should be used for hit and runs whenever possible. Gardy blocks easily because, let's face it, Bartlett still doesn't know how to work it to the right as well as he should. Gardy does the only sensible thing you can to a kid who you might rely on in the future but not today. He knocks him out with one well timed swing of Pearl.

Hours later Bartlett would wake up with a massive headache but all of his bones intact. He knew his manager had saved his future. As Bartlett stumbled to the door Gardy called out to him "Why don't you go down to the Wilson Farm and work on your fighting, Rook". The rest of the bar laughed as the kid gets sent down. Gardy Wins.

4 Lohse vs 5 Blyleven

Drink of Choice
Lohse - Sam Adams
Bert - Whisky (straight out of the bottle)

Lohse has his usual sullen look about him. He seems pissed off just being here. Bert is happy and working the crowd. For some reason he's wearing his 87 Twins uniform. It still fits.
Lohse: What are you so happy about old man?
Bert: Well, for starters, I'm not you.

Lohse immediately starts kicking at Bert's legs. He's been coached up on staying low in the zone and he's not going to blow it right off the bat. Bert dances around merrily, not even setting down his bottle of whisky. Lohse finally makes a mistake and takes a swing at Bert's face. Bad move. Bert dodges and throws a perfect 12 to 6 curve of the whisky bottle. Lohse at first thinks the bottle will fly over his head but then stands in a moment of awe and sadness as he watches the amazing break of the bottle. A second later it breaks on his head and the fight is over. Bert Wins.

3 RonDL vs 6 Herb Carneal

Drink of Choice
RonDL - Rum and Coke
Carneal - Scotch

Rondell is a bit of a class act and doesn't want to fight the old man. Carneal, the VOICE OF THE TWINS, is almost all powerful and doesn't want to hurt Rondell either. Rondell has a history of falling apart physically and the old man doesn't want to hurt his ego anymore then is necessary. But this is drunken bar fight night and they have to fight. RonDL starts out with a big swing and then holds his side, he may have pulled something already. Carneal lets out his Banshee scream and the VOICE OF THE TWINS nearly wins the fight with one yell. RonDL falls to his feet and barely manages to get back up. Carneal is winded (he's very old) so he stops for another finger or two of scotch at the bar. Just as RonDL is about to attack John Gordon and Danny "Dazzleman" Gladden come in to relieve Carneal. The announcing underlings work RonDL over while Carneal enjoys his casual drink. Finally Carneal turns around and lets out another banshee scream to finish RonDL off. Carneal Wins.

7 Unknown Free Agent vs 2 Terry Ryan

Drink of Choice
UFA - Dom Perignon (he's not paying)
Ryan - Gin and Tonic

The UFA sits at the end of the bar having quiet conversation with some older gentlemen. They look like GM's from other teams. Ryan recognizes Omar Minaya from the Mets and flicks him off. Ryan looks longingly at the UFA but he's not sure if he can pick up his bar tab so he stays put. Finally, after most of the other GM's have left he saunters on down to talk to the UFA. He never sees Minaya behind him. Minaya picks up the Hot Stove in the middle of the room, breaks it free from the ground and, as Ryan is mentioning to the UFA that he could hit 4th in the lineup this year, he drops the Hot Stove on Ryan and knocks him out immediately. UFA (with an assist from Minaya and sweet irony) Wins.

Round 2

1 Gardy vs 5 Bert

Gardy has a weakness for veterans and goofy guys. Bert is both. But Gardy wants to win this fight. Just as they're beginning to circle each other the front door of the bar kicks open. Every single writer eligible to vote for the Hall of Fame walks in. In unison they tell Bert he's not good enough to be in the Hall. Bert's confidence is crushed. He's been screwed by these guys too many times to count. He attacks the Hall of Fame voters and, after beating 50 or so of them to a pulp, he collapses. Gardy walks over and kneels down to the worn out Bert. "I'm sorry buddy. I'd vote for you." Gardy Wins.

6 Carneal vs 7 Unknown Free Agent

The UFA only made it to round 2 with the help of other GM's. Those other GM's now know the UFA has a knee problem and they also know his OPS has dropped 150 points since the steroid ban went into effect. They have all gone. Carneal senses the lack of leverage for the UFA and immediately moves in. Using his trademark tactics he lets loose another Banshee scream. The UFA, with no one left to pick up his bar tab, runs off into the night. John Gordon and Dazzleman Gladden sit at the bar sipping Banana Daquiris and Glueks beer respectively. They didn't even need to assist on this one. Carneal Wins.

Round 3

1 Gardy vs 6 Herb Carneal

The old man, Carneal is staggering at this point. He's won two fights already. Not even Dark Star would have bet on him to win one. The scotch has been working it's magic but so far but this seems like the end of the road. He could win this fight if he had a solid supporting group. Sure Dazzleman is good in a tussle, but Gardy's gonna be tough. They'd need a reliable third guy. But they don't have one. They have John Gordon. And Gordon is an idiot.

In a rare move Carneal teams up with Gladden from the outset. Dazzle throwing punches while Carneal lets loose the Voice of the Twins. It's a harrowing spectacle. Harrowing I say. Gordon sits at the bar drinking his banana daquiri and commenting on past bar fights he's witnessed. He talks over the action but never gets involved. He has no idea what's going on. Gardy unleashes Pearl and drops Dazzleman in a horrific collision of bowling ball and mulleted anger. Only Carneal is left, and he is near the end of his rope. He admirably retires and shakes hands with Gardy for a fight well won. And then he pulls out a revolver and shoots John Gordon in the arm. Justice is served. Gardy Wins.

So Gardy wins the bracket. He's in the final four that will be hotly debated on Friday. If any of you are still reading this I implore you to do one thing. In my research for this thing I found out that anyone at any time can email TC Bear. This is just fantastic. I implore you. Email TC Bear and send in your responses. If you get nothing else out of this, at least take a chance to annoy a mascot.