The Interview Bootlegs: The King of the Boogers

The Booger King contacted me, several years ago, about doing an article on him and his claim that he had an important message that must be shared with the world. At the time I had a desk at the St. Paul Pioneer Press, working the beat from 8 in the morning until 5 at night.

Unfortunately for the Booger King, as well, in a way, as myself, I was working on the fourth floor of the Cedar Street Building, the Classified Ad department and the Booger King had mistakenly called us not the news tip line.

Still, journalism is journalism and, for posterity’s sake, detailed records must be kept of it all.

Booger King: I have made a remarkable discovery; one that must be shared with the entire world.

Bad Mother Coitus: Where did you find it? It’s best not to go into too many details so that you don’t receive a million phone calls from people trying to score a quick one of whatever it is. Also, unfortunately, I know that we used to do these for free, but now we charge a fee for lost and found ads.

BK: I have discovered the exact amount of time it takes for a booger to decompose and am ready to make available the data of my findings.

BMC: What? Booger, what’s a booger? You mean a booger, booger?

BK: Due to the rather dry weather that we’ve been experiencing lately, coinciding with the lack of humidity I have found myself with a bumper crop.

BMC: You’re growing boogers? Are we talking about the stuff in your nose?

BK: I harvested five boogers of a good size and wiped them all in five different locations all over my cube at work. Including a booger of unusual size which I have dubbed as The Perfect Booger, its' size and content were perfection. It’s now available for sale on Ebay.

BMC: Um, yeah, I don’t think that I can mention Ebay in your ad. They’re technically competition. At least I think that they’re competition. Honestly, I don’t know if we’re really even competing with anybody anymore.

BK: It was the Perfect Booger and it unleashed such a torrent of mucus that the booger, before removed, surely must have extended all the way to my brain.

BMC: Or, slightly more believable scenario: Maybe it was your brain.

BK: You just blew my mind.

BMC: Well, you just blew your nose.

BK: Continuing with my findings, is Joe Soucheray available?

BMC: Speaking of somebody that blows.

BK: I feel that he is somebody that would understand my position. May I be transferred to him?

BMC: He’s actually out of the office right now. I think he’s covering the governor’s gastronectomy or something where they remove his balls. So what happened with the five boogers, I'll pass this along to Joe?

BK: Haven’t you always been curious of where the boogers go? You pick your nose, you flick in a random direction and then forget about it? But doesn’t it seem interesting that you never see those boogers ever again? Even if the entire population was to harvest only one booger a day, we would still have 252 billion boogers floating around. Think of the outcome in Flu and Cold season.

Now, with my recent studies I have found that boogers will eventually disintegrate on their own, but this is still over the course of two months. Sir, it is my contention, and being a paying subscriber of this newspaper I demand a full investigation, that it is the government that are secretly abducting our boogers and furthering the use of a giant booger of mass destruction that they may some day even use against us honest red blooded Americans.

BMC: Maybe we just need a large Kleenex to stretch across the United States

BK: That wouldn’t work. You can’t make a Kleenex that is that big.

BMC: So you’re saying that there is a Kleenex gap? I bet the Russkie’s have a Kleenex all the way over everything, even Kazakhstan.

BK: What are you speaking of?

BMC: I’ll make sure to pass this information on to Bob.

BK: Thank you, please tell him to contact me immediately.