Battleground Any Town, USA

SOMEWHERE IN WISCONSIN- Fires are visible now from both camps and a smell that might be something chemical is wafting from where most of the troop has gathered. This is most likely the roasting of the large animal that was trudged in during this mornings march. Occasional sounds of laughter erupt as crass and crudely crafted jokes come across the distance in their guttural language.

Animosity began between the two camps when Mr. Ford decided the choice of bivouacs then was disputed by Mr. Densmore. Further aggression was caused by an exchange of words that included but was not limited to: tenure of camping, weight and height comparisons, between both gentlemen, and the nature of Bud Light versus Miller Lite.

While the Ford camp boasts greater numbers the Densmore camp surpasses them in technological reasoning and quantity of beer. I have been informed by members of the Densmore camp that their larger cache of beer, in the past, has lead to grudging peace. Becky Densmore informed me while waiting to “break the seal” in the DMZ/out-house area, “[The Ford encampment] always doesn’t remember to bring, you know, enough of their like crappy beer. Then, around two in the morning one of those guys will come here and stuff. And then they’ll all come here. It’s good family time. They just are too stupid to know it. That and they’re all inbred bastards.”

Peace, in this form, may be harder to come by this year. Last year,fed up with having to provide beer to the Ford family, the Densmore camp continually slipped the Ford visitors alcohol free beer. This action almost caused the 2007 installment of the family camping trip to be cancelled en total.

Reactions from the Ford camp have been staunch. Matriarch of the Ford family and avid whiskey drinker, Rose Ford, informed me, “Let’s see them guys try to make me a non-alcoholic whiskey and then I’ll shove it up their non-whiskey ass. I would rather pass out than deal with them.”

But, of course, during all of these times of strife there are the children. Little twelve-year old Derek Densmore, who according to family by-laws is not eligible to drink until next year, was seen sneaking off into the woods with his cousin Emily Ford. When Darrel Ford, father to Emily, was informed of this new development he commented, “Well, at least then the family would only have to pay for one wedding.”

Senior expert on Ford-Densmore relations, Lynnabelle Richter, went on record saying that “This is really just a melee compared to Christmas when the confines of both clashing sects are pulled closer and brought under one roof. The rough outline that is typically agreed upon by both families is based upon feats of strength and longevity of drinking.”

Still, nights like tonight are not without their share of special moments that arouse continual hope that both sides might one day cohabit in peace. Responding to multiple noise complaints Park Ranger Stephen Eau Claire approached the Densmore camp in an attempt to quiet them. Members of the Ford family were quick to rush to the aid of their insulted brethren and both parties saw members taken prisoner to an area detention center. A bipartisan detachment from both the groups is now purportedly planning a clandestine mission to place the sugar, intended for tomorrow’s pancakes, into the gas tanks of all Park Rangers cars.

This article is also available on The Spoof.com