Last March: New Ulm

7:12am This is early, damn early. In fact this time doesn't exist, neither does this delicious cigarette. I will now go layer on roughly four coats of sunscreen so that I can walk in the sun.

8:11 still not awake but am fortified with coffee. I have a feeling I will be making friends with deodorant today.

8:50 Systems are sort of coming online. I'm understanding roughly 25% of J and V's conversation--a markable improvement over peak. At best 37-40% of their conversation is advisable. There are a lot of trees here.

9:47 waiting in line to register. There are a lot of ugly people here.

10:57 Good new State Fair rule: first racially diverse person seen equals a point

11:11 I will junk punch the next person in a unitard with the hood masky thingy from Always Sunny in Philadelphia, or get Vic to make out with him. Sigh... wingmanning

11:15 I now have more arm, hair bands than I know what to do with. Stupid friggin' back group that doesn't want to walk at the grueling pace. Sure it kills the oxen in Oregon Trail, but it's sensible.

11:22 this is not sensible

11:42 finishing up the race. What is this odd feeling of sobriety.

12:01 the race is done, there is literally nothing else to report

12:27 having the first beer. It is refreshing. These will be my final words sober. I loved you all.

12:38 there is a white trash kid on a scooter. I am actively willing him to fall on his face

12:49 best exchange from the walk today--

P: So my [school] kids were asking me how old I am, and I told them 37. One of the little shits said that's only a year younger than my dad

V: and then you told him his dad is a whore.

1:07 fortunately the worst dj in the world (seriously, Johnny Cash to Pokerface!) is playing loud enough so the doucher kid on the scooter's parents, directly behind me can't hear.

2:38 yes, mother, I'm fully aware that I'm supposed to be taking a shower. But are you otherwise aware that this bar top is quality marble and feels excellently cool when I put my full face on it?

3:53 at the bar. I'm doing awesome

4:02 smoking alone. Wait, Gin and Ben ha!

4:26 much to the amusement of my fellow bar patrons I have, yet again, failed to find the bathroom. Another victory

4:51 P and I find the liquor store. More interesting people. There may be too much inbreeding in this town.

5:06 showered.  It was a solid plan. Unfortunately the nap idea was scrapped in favor of the bar, but... When in New Ulm do as an Old Ulmer

5:42 this has been a day of much waiting. Now we're in line for twenty minutes to register for the pub crawl where i might win a keychain. At least I have beer--please send cigarettes.

5:52 this town friggin' loves it the Blues Traveler. Wonder if they've heard of Home Alone 2. If you hear popping it's their minds exploding its me bringing them Blu-ray players

6:09 Snorts is pleased somewhere. I'm not drinking beer in favor of vodka infused something

6:45 smoking alone. Odd part, conversationed over with the non-smokers, but still have a quarert inch left. Ha, quarter chub. Yes, I'm almost drunky

7:00 Things are progressing well, the St Paul kids are saying I'm hanging out with the MPLS kids too much. There is only one other St Paul kid. Fucking J.

7:12 I text Greg who reminds me I'm supposed to be playing hard to get. The trouble is that the Minneapolis contingent is all smokers. As a friend of smokers this puts me in a further bind.

7:38 this bar is limper than an old man's penis with erectile disfunction who can only piss sitting down

8:01 smoking, in the patio section of course. I'd move here for this bar. Things are progressing well. I'm going to be alone forever. Send cats.

8:04 I've really tried to put this off for as long as I can, and at best it's an inside joke from 10-15 years ago. Greggy had a stupid shirt that asked you if you are wasted...

8:07 finally, yes I am. Thank you for asking, sir!

8:21 I feel myself absorbing more awesome. It's awkward for those around me and I'm sure, after review, it shall be awkward for me as well

8:37 I had dreams of grandeour of setting V up with some nice boy. He'd be cool and I'd hang out with him and we'd all go out for... not breakfast, thats only for assholes, but brunch. He and I would watch movies and be awesome. I mean yeah, but we'd have a standing Tuesday dinner. Dammit New Ulm, you're killing me.

9:05 I've lost everybody I hold dear. I was joking about moving here, now I might be here through assimilation

9:35 with A. She isn't drinking. This is where I always try to be the drunk friend of the sober person. For the love of God somebody please tell me to stop offering her soda or water.

9:38 please, also tell me stop talking about the sober person as a puritanical jackass behind her back

10:33 more emoticons from Molly, but what do they mean?

10:39 fucking V! She just tried to wrestle my phone to start texting Mols. Even a drunk mule knows this is a bad idea

10:59 sweet Caroline. Greggy I wish you were here, make good life choices for me

11:20 shit I'm going to hell

11:36 yeah

11:49 and no. We keep on making choices bad if not choices. I think we care, but maybe we don't...

12:0somethjng P and I are goingto crash the wedding. This makes sense.

12:alone smoking, feeling awkward about to pass out. It's been a strange day. I feel like shit, I didn't do anything right today and... Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuxk.

12: G