"We're coming up on Alexandria" he said. Eyeing the map with a little flashlight in the dark. I know that. I've made this trip 100 times. Every other venture I've known what was on the other end. New friends, new classes, a degree on the one end. Pumpkin pie, snow football with my high school friends, gifts by candle light with my family on the other.
I don't know why he's looking at the map to begin with. From Minneapolis to Moorhead is all one road anyway. Probably just killing time. Trying to not be so damn awkward every second we're together. Can't say I blame him.
I still don't know why I asked him to come. He's just a friend of a friend. Another guy stuck at home in January with nothing to do except stare out the window at the snow. And he's not all bad. I just don't know him. He's good to drink with though. We'll have to grab a beer or maybe some cider once we get to town. After we see her anyway. Maybe before. Yeah, definitely before we see her.
We're almost there now. He's got Ani Difranco on the radio. She's not bad. I could definitely use this on her. She'd love this stuff. Pick out a line, a lyric to remember. It's got to be good. Memorable. Ooh, this song's good, not really a love song or anything but it's really fucking good. Remember the line...
you know i don't look forward to seeing you again
you'll look like a photograph of yourself,
taken from far, far away
and i won't know what to do,
and i won't know what to say...
"That line's really good. What's this song?" He says "Untouchable Face." Cool. I don't think he uses this stuff on girls. I think he likes it for real. He's not really a ladies man. Pretty much dead weight as a wingman. In fact worse than deadweight since he doesn't care. Sabotage the whole damn night just for a laugh. Weird guy, good, but I just don't get him. Why did I ask him to come along again?
We're almost to Moorhead. To her. I don't know what to say. "What do you think I should tell her? I don't want to be too obvious." He says "You just drove 4 hours in the snow for the express reason of seeing her. I think obvious has already been established." Dammit. "But there's nothing wrong with letting her know you're there to see her. I mean, you did drive 4 hours in the snow for her, that's kinda flattering isn't it?" Right, that's why I brought him.
There's her house. Not yet. Still need a cider. And we've got another friend that both of us will enjoy seeing first. Calm the nerves. Get the stupid road chitchat out of the way with friends instead of...well, whatever she might be to me.
The house is on a quiet street. I park the car and we move noiselessly up the walk. He stops. Looks like he's gonna say something but just sorta smiles. It's nice how quiet it can be up here. I should be at her place. It's perfect right now. How could she not fall in love with me when it's so quiet and the snow is falling and the air is crisp like this? I should be there. "Can we make this quick?"
He says nothing and just knocks on the door. A girl answers. One of the roomies. The arty one. She lets us in and we talk for a bit. Our friend isn't here. He makes her laugh. Why can't he do that when he's supposed to be a wingman? He only makes himself laugh. The arty girl's in a hurry if her walk is any indication. We'll go, grab something to eat, get a beer.
We head out the door. It's still silent outside. Still perfect. "She's the one." he says. "What?" "Her, she's the one for me."
What the fuck just happened?
"Let's get something to eat."
"What about the girl?"
"She knows I just drove 4 hours in the snow just to meet her. She'll still be here when we come back."
And she was.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Pharrell to Pharrell: I Want To Work With You!
In a recent release from pharrellwilliams.com, mega producer/artist Pharrell announced that he will be the 
featured artist on his next album. After working with an assortment of artists from Dave Matthews Band to Jay-Z, from Britney Spears to Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Pharrell states in the release that “Finally it is good to be working with me.”
Bad Mother Coitus has obtained information that Pharrell’s attitude may have turned sour when as many as three artists, over the past year, have released albums that did not feature Pharrell.
Though not directly alluded to in Pharrell’s release, Bad Mother Coitus has also discovered that Pharrell was disappointed in the fact that long time friend and collaborator Justin Timberlake had elected to re-use rapper Timbaland. Our anonymous source close to Pharrell sites, “When Pharrell heard that Timber was gonna use Timbaland again he was all like… ‘Sheeeit’ but the whole posse of skateboarders in the house all thought it was fucking sweet. Timber and Timber, you know… like fucking trees and shit.”
This also heralds the end of the feud between Pharrell and Sean Combs (who begat Sean “Puffy” Combs who begat Puff Daddy who begat P. Diddy who begat Diddy) to see which artist could appear in the most music videos. Questions solicited to the Diddy camp have been left un-returned. BMC insiders report Diddy has poured out a small quantity of Crystal for the death of the feud.
This came as a large shock to the music community who as late as August 2003 had 43% of music played on the radio being produced by Pharrell and his group the Neptunes. Jessica Simpson, formally of Jessica and Nick now of boobies.com, was reached for comment and offered up this tearful remark “Musically, I’ve always wanted to be like Pharrell. I can’t play any instruments or produce, but to sit next to the producer or the instruments and sing. Yeah, that’s what I want to do.”
Next Week: The Annual Football Article
featured artist on his next album. After working with an assortment of artists from Dave Matthews Band to Jay-Z, from Britney Spears to Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Pharrell states in the release that “Finally it is good to be working with me.”Bad Mother Coitus has obtained information that Pharrell’s attitude may have turned sour when as many as three artists, over the past year, have released albums that did not feature Pharrell.
Though not directly alluded to in Pharrell’s release, Bad Mother Coitus has also discovered that Pharrell was disappointed in the fact that long time friend and collaborator Justin Timberlake had elected to re-use rapper Timbaland. Our anonymous source close to Pharrell sites, “When Pharrell heard that Timber was gonna use Timbaland again he was all like… ‘Sheeeit’ but the whole posse of skateboarders in the house all thought it was fucking sweet. Timber and Timber, you know… like fucking trees and shit.”
This also heralds the end of the feud between Pharrell and Sean Combs (who begat Sean “Puffy” Combs who begat Puff Daddy who begat P. Diddy who begat Diddy) to see which artist could appear in the most music videos. Questions solicited to the Diddy camp have been left un-returned. BMC insiders report Diddy has poured out a small quantity of Crystal for the death of the feud.
This came as a large shock to the music community who as late as August 2003 had 43% of music played on the radio being produced by Pharrell and his group the Neptunes. Jessica Simpson, formally of Jessica and Nick now of boobies.com, was reached for comment and offered up this tearful remark “Musically, I’ve always wanted to be like Pharrell. I can’t play any instruments or produce, but to sit next to the producer or the instruments and sing. Yeah, that’s what I want to do.”
Next Week: The Annual Football Article
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
unfolding the intricate oragami of chicago driving
yeah, i know last week's entry was about traffic, but for some insane reason (perhaps due to increased traffic incidents) it still remains on my brain. when i have extra time to ponder annoying things, i usually succumb, stewing in my own revelations.
pontification #1 - some people feel that it's to the benefit of traffic flow to keep a distance of 3 car lengths between them and the car in front of them. theoretically, this is a good idea. no stopping should be needed. just a slow coasting. it would prevent rubber-banding and break wear and tear. theoretically, if all cars on the road did this, we would have no stand-still traffic.
but communism looks good on paper too.
what really happens is, when that hole is spotted, at least 5 cars will attempt to squish into the 3 car length spot. this space gives the illusion that the lane is moving fast enough to create space. so you change lanes. you want to go faster too, dammit. fill that gap! why is there a fucking gap?! who does that? MOVE bitch!!
why? well, because it's every car for itself, that's why. i can safely say that chicago drivers are selfish byotches. i have heard that we honk more than other cities (excluding new jersey, of course), and that driving on lake shore drive causes most tourists minor heart attacks.
pontification #2 - traffic cops. i have seen the hirarchy. downtown and on major intersections, you see the uniformed cops in hats, with cuffs and a ticket board, sporting a bright orange POLICE safety vest. they have ear-piercing whistles and white gloves. you dont mess with them. then there are the kiddos you see lining every street corner after a sporting event.
i'll use cubs games for my example here. before and after cubs games, there are joes in blue polos and unmarked orange vests, holding dayglo orange singals. And, they stand in the middle of every single intersection for a 2 mile radius. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (they work in pairs) attempt to usher traffic through the probable gridlock that would happen with an influx of cars at said sporting event. these douche bags are part time city workers. they have no authority to issue tickets. they have no whistles or white gloves. hell, half the time they dont even move aside for cars turning left. my biggest pet peeve is their disregard for traffic lights. if you neglect to take these into account, you invariably cause a back up down the road. why? traffic lights are synched. result: GRIDLOCK. you heard it here folks. these schmoes are traffic causers.
i did find a good interview about the traffic cop hirarchy and why traffic cops exist in the first place. But this is still no consolation when it takes me an extra 15 minutes to get the last 4 blocks home.
pontification #3 - driving in chicago is hazardous to your health unless you aquire the proper vaccinations. only experience will truely vaccinate you, but for visitors and fresh meat, here are a few hints: 1. make sure you know your route 2. yes, we honk at you when you dont know where you're going. try to ignore this. it's not personal. well, yes it is, but it's only because you annoy me. 3. if you're on lake shore drive and you start having heart palpatations, please, please, dont pull over or go 30 mph. simply get into the right lane and go the posted speed limit and pull off AT AN EXIT. 4. cabbies go anywhere they like. just think of them as 600 lb gorillas with no morals.
ok folks, that's it this week. i'll try to focus my attention elsewheres for next week's pontificating.
pontification #1 - some people feel that it's to the benefit of traffic flow to keep a distance of 3 car lengths between them and the car in front of them. theoretically, this is a good idea. no stopping should be needed. just a slow coasting. it would prevent rubber-banding and break wear and tear. theoretically, if all cars on the road did this, we would have no stand-still traffic.
but communism looks good on paper too.
what really happens is, when that hole is spotted, at least 5 cars will attempt to squish into the 3 car length spot. this space gives the illusion that the lane is moving fast enough to create space. so you change lanes. you want to go faster too, dammit. fill that gap! why is there a fucking gap?! who does that? MOVE bitch!!
why? well, because it's every car for itself, that's why. i can safely say that chicago drivers are selfish byotches. i have heard that we honk more than other cities (excluding new jersey, of course), and that driving on lake shore drive causes most tourists minor heart attacks.
pontification #2 - traffic cops. i have seen the hirarchy. downtown and on major intersections, you see the uniformed cops in hats, with cuffs and a ticket board, sporting a bright orange POLICE safety vest. they have ear-piercing whistles and white gloves. you dont mess with them. then there are the kiddos you see lining every street corner after a sporting event.
i'll use cubs games for my example here. before and after cubs games, there are joes in blue polos and unmarked orange vests, holding dayglo orange singals. And, they stand in the middle of every single intersection for a 2 mile radius. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (they work in pairs) attempt to usher traffic through the probable gridlock that would happen with an influx of cars at said sporting event. these douche bags are part time city workers. they have no authority to issue tickets. they have no whistles or white gloves. hell, half the time they dont even move aside for cars turning left. my biggest pet peeve is their disregard for traffic lights. if you neglect to take these into account, you invariably cause a back up down the road. why? traffic lights are synched. result: GRIDLOCK. you heard it here folks. these schmoes are traffic causers.
i did find a good interview about the traffic cop hirarchy and why traffic cops exist in the first place. But this is still no consolation when it takes me an extra 15 minutes to get the last 4 blocks home.
pontification #3 - driving in chicago is hazardous to your health unless you aquire the proper vaccinations. only experience will truely vaccinate you, but for visitors and fresh meat, here are a few hints: 1. make sure you know your route 2. yes, we honk at you when you dont know where you're going. try to ignore this. it's not personal. well, yes it is, but it's only because you annoy me. 3. if you're on lake shore drive and you start having heart palpatations, please, please, dont pull over or go 30 mph. simply get into the right lane and go the posted speed limit and pull off AT AN EXIT. 4. cabbies go anywhere they like. just think of them as 600 lb gorillas with no morals.
ok folks, that's it this week. i'll try to focus my attention elsewheres for next week's pontificating.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Dancing with the Down low
A friend of mine is a Professional Dancer well formerly she and her husband teach Ballroom locally in the cities I bring this up because I was at there place a couple of days ago and they were watching Dancing With the Stars yeah I watched it big deal, the topic of conversation came about the current favorite Mario Lopez aka Slater from Saved By The Bell.
He and his partner are rumored to be an item good for him if it's true but as my friends pointed out to me he was married to the Nacho's Girl Remember her.
Since I didn’t care or know anything about this man I asked to be filled in, and he was married to this extremely Hot Women for a short space of time, this lead me to do some pondering.
Why or how could a Man divorce or lose an extremely hot women a poster girl if you will.
My answer, is because secretly they are Gay, and they are in denial, so they unconsciously sabotage their relationship, that may seem extreme to some of you but think about it for second lets look at an example.
Ex.
Eric Benet /Halle Berry
This dork lost her because he claims he’s a sex addict....
So let me get this straight your Wife is one of the most desired Women in the world and you are going to claim that doing the Retail girl from BeBe is sufficient?
I understand his image is that of a sultry soul singer type (Yawn) so he cannot come out and say that he likes guys but he does.
Let me Clarify Men, straight men for the most part are always thinking about the dream girl, the women that when you walk into a room everyone is envious yes it's shallow yes it's lame but it's true .A proven example of the shallowness of men look no further then Christie Brinks hubby yeah the girl was a teenager which I do not condone but was she prettier then Christie depends on who you ask.
But that’s another story.
He and his partner are rumored to be an item good for him if it's true but as my friends pointed out to me he was married to the Nacho's Girl Remember her.
Since I didn’t care or know anything about this man I asked to be filled in, and he was married to this extremely Hot Women for a short space of time, this lead me to do some pondering.
Why or how could a Man divorce or lose an extremely hot women a poster girl if you will.
My answer, is because secretly they are Gay, and they are in denial, so they unconsciously sabotage their relationship, that may seem extreme to some of you but think about it for second lets look at an example.
Ex.
Eric Benet /Halle Berry
This dork lost her because he claims he’s a sex addict....
So let me get this straight your Wife is one of the most desired Women in the world and you are going to claim that doing the Retail girl from BeBe is sufficient?
I understand his image is that of a sultry soul singer type (Yawn) so he cannot come out and say that he likes guys but he does.
Let me Clarify Men, straight men for the most part are always thinking about the dream girl, the women that when you walk into a room everyone is envious yes it's shallow yes it's lame but it's true .A proven example of the shallowness of men look no further then Christie Brinks hubby yeah the girl was a teenager which I do not condone but was she prettier then Christie depends on who you ask.
But that’s another story.
Friday, October 13, 2006
The Places To Be
A glorious Friday the 13th to one and all. On this Holiday, of sorts, let us not lose perspective on hwat is most important: Cat Sacrifices. Please let us know how you slayed your cat and we’ll make sure to post your email next week! If anybody needs a cat to sacrifice please contact me as well. I have two (not Pedro of course). One is rather large and the other is quite cagey. But… you know, first come first serve.
Happy Thanksgiving Weekend salutations are in order to our Canadian Coitus Cousins to the North. While the actual day does not arrive until next Monday, it is still good to know that fellowship will be occurring somewhere in the world. Especially if it is a day spent breaking bread with the Thanksgiving cat coming out of the oven (where the cat is perfectly cooked, not too tender not too dry with a nice stuffing).
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Last weeks question of the week ended with our most lopsided victory as you pathetic, non-God loving, bleeding hearts voted in a resounding fashion. You, Coitusers, stated that Lynchburg is a fitting home to Jerry Falwell because it is also the home of J. Crew. Emails from the BMC to see if J. Crew ever considered including religious passages on their articles of clothing (a la the In and Out Burger) have not been answered.
From the deposit of paychecks to the use of check cards while buying food at a grocery store electronic money seems to surround us. With the exception of the major hiccup of the Millennium Bug there has been little opposition to electronic money and in fact the currency continues to build and become a more powerful tool for the future. With the creation of ATM’s and electronic deposit the physical bank has become more and more invisible to the common man.
Here is another brilliant and informative site brought to you by the smartest people in the world. As frequent followers of Bad Mother Coitus know this website is a blue state website and very pro Ninja. We despise the red stated Pirates that seek to usurp us. Ask A Ninja is both informative as well as helpful. This segment, which dispenses advice on how to kill a ninja, is offered to our pirate brethren both as an olive branch and a foreboding warning.
This may seem like an innocent proposition but I assure you as an American you should oppose this with every bit of God loving patriotism within you. First they’ll start being in our homes, then people will start saying we cannot treat them as lesser beings and then, finally, some liberal sympathizers will implore all of us not to eat them for Thanksgiving. Lest we forget, please view this hard hitting picture.
It would seem that Mr. T has not only begun his own talk show but is also helping our President. Instead of “pitying fools” our President is declaring things “intolerable”. The best bit is when President is talking to some eighth graders about how their test scores are “intolerable”. Pot is to ______ what us pitying a fool is to our President.
To bring the article full circle the artist of this week is a Canadian girl who goes by the name of Esthero. Her voice lacks the sweet soul of the finer jazz singers and ends up sounding more in the realm of a pop singer with a sense of history. Still her music does grip to a body like refreshing breeze after leaving a sweaty dance floor. It grooves and chills you out like a beer at the bar; not taking you out of the party but giving you that sultry acidic jazz that taps a tow while making you feeling cooler than you are.
Happy Thanksgiving Weekend salutations are in order to our Canadian Coitus Cousins to the North. While the actual day does not arrive until next Monday, it is still good to know that fellowship will be occurring somewhere in the world. Especially if it is a day spent breaking bread with the Thanksgiving cat coming out of the oven (where the cat is perfectly cooked, not too tender not too dry with a nice stuffing).
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Last weeks question of the week ended with our most lopsided victory as you pathetic, non-God loving, bleeding hearts voted in a resounding fashion. You, Coitusers, stated that Lynchburg is a fitting home to Jerry Falwell because it is also the home of J. Crew. Emails from the BMC to see if J. Crew ever considered including religious passages on their articles of clothing (a la the In and Out Burger) have not been answered.
From the deposit of paychecks to the use of check cards while buying food at a grocery store electronic money seems to surround us. With the exception of the major hiccup of the Millennium Bug there has been little opposition to electronic money and in fact the currency continues to build and become a more powerful tool for the future. With the creation of ATM’s and electronic deposit the physical bank has become more and more invisible to the common man.
Here is another brilliant and informative site brought to you by the smartest people in the world. As frequent followers of Bad Mother Coitus know this website is a blue state website and very pro Ninja. We despise the red stated Pirates that seek to usurp us. Ask A Ninja is both informative as well as helpful. This segment, which dispenses advice on how to kill a ninja, is offered to our pirate brethren both as an olive branch and a foreboding warning.
This may seem like an innocent proposition but I assure you as an American you should oppose this with every bit of God loving patriotism within you. First they’ll start being in our homes, then people will start saying we cannot treat them as lesser beings and then, finally, some liberal sympathizers will implore all of us not to eat them for Thanksgiving. Lest we forget, please view this hard hitting picture.
It would seem that Mr. T has not only begun his own talk show but is also helping our President. Instead of “pitying fools” our President is declaring things “intolerable”. The best bit is when President is talking to some eighth graders about how their test scores are “intolerable”. Pot is to ______ what us pitying a fool is to our President.
To bring the article full circle the artist of this week is a Canadian girl who goes by the name of Esthero. Her voice lacks the sweet soul of the finer jazz singers and ends up sounding more in the realm of a pop singer with a sense of history. Still her music does grip to a body like refreshing breeze after leaving a sweaty dance floor. It grooves and chills you out like a beer at the bar; not taking you out of the party but giving you that sultry acidic jazz that taps a tow while making you feeling cooler than you are.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
At Mule's Funeral
Three days and 50 years ago Don Larson through the sixth Perfect Game in the history of baseball and the only perfect game ever thrown in the World Series. In the two hour and eight minute epic it would be nice to believe that everybody observed the common courtesy and not mentioned that a perfect game was occurring, but there are a lot of assholes out there, especially in New York.
Life does not resemble a Perfect Game. Most people spend their time talking about what is going on, living life in the past and, on occasion, take abbreviated looks towards the future. The vanishing point on the horizon is not a concept discussable; according to custom It is a subject that should not be broached as if not speaking Its’ name will somehow either prevent It or not jinx It into happening.
A person that discusses their own death is often considered to be suicidal or an attention seeker, the purpose of this article is not for either of them. It is more in the vein of: ensuring that a Romantic Comedy or item of similar ilk is not played in a room should I fall into coma. It is to tell you that I love you. That my ashes should be placed into a bottle of 18 year old Macallan whisky with only a mouthful of scotch left in it (the rest is to be enjoyed by friends and loved ones at an earlier date). It is to tell you that my ashes should be spread on the pitching mound at the new Twin’s Stadium (should that not be possible hopefully technology would evolve to the point where I could be made into a CD, though as further proof I am not ready to shuffle off the mortal coil it would take at least 400 years to construct the play list for this album)
The service should be simple, the location is not important as long as it does not occur in Minneapolis or the suburbs.
At the service the following texts should be enjoyed in the following order (Seriously, I’m not trying to be a Corpsezilla here but… c’mon it is my big day):
Opening Song (join in everybody!): Satisfied Mind by Rhodes & Hayes
Opening Text: By Mule (to be read by a well trained eight year old)
Okay, this hasn’t been written yet, but the general theme will be designed to make everybody cry and feel generally bad that I’m not there to celebrate. Heaving bosoms and general lamentations on how much people loved me are expected.
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
(Chapter 9: “Gatsby’s house was still empty when I left”… “So we beat on, boats against the curtain, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
John 15:9-17
A two-hour interlude for everybody that wishes to say nice things about me will be opened and moderated upon. In all expectations this will go significantly longer. Also at this point the open bar (This is to be a full bar. None of this wine and beer only bullshit!) should begin handing out drinks and little sandwiches or quartered sandwiches. In the unlikely event that people do not have two hours worth of praises to say about me, everybody is expected to sit reverently and stare at my rotting corpse until they do think of something good to say (the booze will help with this).
Mr. Tambourine Man by Bob Dylan
(only this verse)
Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,Closing text
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.
The Lake of Innisfree by W. B. Yeats
Close: Go, Tell it On the Mountain by John W. Work, Jr.
Why? Why not? It’s my fucking funeral. Boom, done. Having gone through a few dry runs, the estimated time for the entire thing is only 7-10 hours.
I’m aware that there is a noticeable lack of songs and that this will cause a bit of a stir. I think that Mule’s of all ages will agree that people cannot sing as well as they think.
Okay so that’s pretty much that, kind of a grisly business, huh? But again, planning ahead is all part of the game. Don’t let Dad or Jordan get too involved in the texts. I mean they can read something, I’m sure they’ll do that well. Do not, this cannot be stressed enough, let them “enhance” the reading by adding to them or reading a different text from the same book. It’s my special day dammit.
Next Week: Pharrell Williams
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
mythbusters: more people ride than drive??
i'm not a typical Chicagoan at this very moment in time. ok, let me clarify. when i think of a real Chicagoan, i think of, say, my roomie. she gets up at the crack of dawn, stumbles bleary-eyed into the sunless morning and hikes 4 blocks to the el. she switches lines at the belmont stop, gets squished into the red line car with the 200 other early morning commuters, blesses her ipod and yawns toward the horizon. after fighting up the stairs and pulling her coat close against the wind, she arrives at work. 7:30am. come quittin' time, she does the same in reverse.
it is said that a typical chicagoan will bump elbows with humanity at least 500 times a day. after all, this is a city of 2.8 million.
i bump elbows with the girl from accounting while she gets off the elevator at the 3rd floor. that's about it. why? because i'm a reverse commuter. i get into my car and plunge into the arteries of the windy city, avoiding blockage where possible, hating my long commute into the demure southern suburbs. however, when i return home, and i hear about how smelly the el was from said roomie, i am grateful for my car.
i digress... more on the glory of car in another entry. my point is that the myth is: a good, typical chicagoan is my roomate. i am here to debunk that myth today. from observations made by yours truely.
1. on any given day, the travel time on the Kennedy, getting into Chicago is at least 45 minutes. This is a 16 mile stretch of FREEWAY that totes EXPRESS LANES.
2. at least 27 million daily trips happen in the greater chicagoland area. in my experience, at least 1 million people are moron drivers. then you have the 2 million grannies and little old men in hats driving huge sedans. then you have the 12 million other drivers (aka ME) just trying to arrive at a destination in one piece. in my best estimate, that leaves less than half of chicago commuters as public transportationists.
3. you always see construction on illinois highways. you rarely see construction on public transportation (only the brown line right now, and yes, albeit ishy, still gets people to work). i'm going to get flack for this observation. but seriously folks, look at how much highway construction there is, and for how long it lasts, and how much havok it reeks on drivers in illinois. why would we do this? so that we can fit more people on the roads.
based on these weak observations, many hours in the car spent fretting about lost time and many minutes spent on rare public transit trips, i believe that the majority of chicagoans drive to work. the myth will always be there, guys. but i am living proof that this myth is debunked.
why am i debunking this myth? because i need to live with myself every day. or perhaps the exhaust fumes finally got to me...
it is said that a typical chicagoan will bump elbows with humanity at least 500 times a day. after all, this is a city of 2.8 million.
i bump elbows with the girl from accounting while she gets off the elevator at the 3rd floor. that's about it. why? because i'm a reverse commuter. i get into my car and plunge into the arteries of the windy city, avoiding blockage where possible, hating my long commute into the demure southern suburbs. however, when i return home, and i hear about how smelly the el was from said roomie, i am grateful for my car.
i digress... more on the glory of car in another entry. my point is that the myth is: a good, typical chicagoan is my roomate. i am here to debunk that myth today. from observations made by yours truely.
1. on any given day, the travel time on the Kennedy, getting into Chicago is at least 45 minutes. This is a 16 mile stretch of FREEWAY that totes EXPRESS LANES.
2. at least 27 million daily trips happen in the greater chicagoland area. in my experience, at least 1 million people are moron drivers. then you have the 2 million grannies and little old men in hats driving huge sedans. then you have the 12 million other drivers (aka ME) just trying to arrive at a destination in one piece. in my best estimate, that leaves less than half of chicago commuters as public transportationists.
3. you always see construction on illinois highways. you rarely see construction on public transportation (only the brown line right now, and yes, albeit ishy, still gets people to work). i'm going to get flack for this observation. but seriously folks, look at how much highway construction there is, and for how long it lasts, and how much havok it reeks on drivers in illinois. why would we do this? so that we can fit more people on the roads.
based on these weak observations, many hours in the car spent fretting about lost time and many minutes spent on rare public transit trips, i believe that the majority of chicagoans drive to work. the myth will always be there, guys. but i am living proof that this myth is debunked.
why am i debunking this myth? because i need to live with myself every day. or perhaps the exhaust fumes finally got to me...
Monday, October 09, 2006
Why men Cheat -Has been cancelled
Due to an email I received from a source that I cannot disclose at this juncture.
" The Why Men Cheat Blog has been cancelled due to pending Legal action that will be transpired against my person if it's posted .
Thanks to the hundreds of people who took part in my survey .
Friday, October 06, 2006
Conversations ~ two of nine
i know i am loved.
of course.
it hurts.
why?
i have nothing greater to earn. i've achieved everything without doing anything.
love is not achievement.
agreed.
you've achieved nothing.
i understand.
no, you don't.
i care what people think.
i know.
i hate that about myself.
i know.
i'm helpless to stop it.
i know you think that is true.
why?
helplessness absolves you of guilt.
i should be more than what i am.
you are.
and yet nothing changes.
you're searching for the honest conversation. the connection with others.
yes.
maybe you should be searching for something else.
like what? my grandmother's watch? my favorite t-shirt?
the end of conversation.
go on.
where you don't have to talk. where it's all in the eyes. where your every movement means something to someone and you can understand and feel and honor and love and despair and destroy and open yourself to a life without words.
that could take years.
years you have.
i don't understand.
you will.
when?
the moment you look yourself in the eye.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
How You Feelin?
So I was watching South Park last night and it got me to thinking, which it usually does, which is why I watch it. The kids were playing a video game and the thematic joke of the show was that people take their fake lives within the game more seriously than their real life. Which is obviously sad and yet completely understandable.
I work at an office doing a job that any reasonably intelligent person can do. If you measure how important something is by how many people can capably do it then it ranks fairly low on the list. But I'm pretty dang awesome at video game baseball. I can make trades and make financial decisions and everything and I'm successful. So why would I bother investing time into the real life when I'm just average at it? We all want to be special and I'm pretty fucking special when it comes to certain video games.
This also applies to other hobbies. I'm a solid golfer. I've shot par, which is something few golfers have any chance of doing. The average golfer shoots something like 90. I typically settle in 10-12 strokes less than that. If everyone was measured on their golfing ability I'd be in the top 15 percent, or higher if the non-golfers of the world weren't given some time to learn the game before being tested. And yet I only golf once a week at the most.
So why not pursue the things I do really well? Other than the fact that they don't pay me? Good question. I think I need to find out. I'm not saying I'm quitting my job to play video games, I'm gonna need electricity for that so I have to keep money coming in, I guess that I'm just bummed out that much like Loverboy predicted, I'm still Working for the Weekend.
I work at an office doing a job that any reasonably intelligent person can do. If you measure how important something is by how many people can capably do it then it ranks fairly low on the list. But I'm pretty dang awesome at video game baseball. I can make trades and make financial decisions and everything and I'm successful. So why would I bother investing time into the real life when I'm just average at it? We all want to be special and I'm pretty fucking special when it comes to certain video games.
This also applies to other hobbies. I'm a solid golfer. I've shot par, which is something few golfers have any chance of doing. The average golfer shoots something like 90. I typically settle in 10-12 strokes less than that. If everyone was measured on their golfing ability I'd be in the top 15 percent, or higher if the non-golfers of the world weren't given some time to learn the game before being tested. And yet I only golf once a week at the most.
So why not pursue the things I do really well? Other than the fact that they don't pay me? Good question. I think I need to find out. I'm not saying I'm quitting my job to play video games, I'm gonna need electricity for that so I have to keep money coming in, I guess that I'm just bummed out that much like Loverboy predicted, I'm still Working for the Weekend.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
the fruits of autumn
so yesterday i donned a clothespin on my nose, put on sunglasses and ventured into the BMC headquarters to post my latest hum drum. but when i entered the shag carpeted room, i stopped, stared, stepped back out to check the number on the door, blinked, took off the sunglasses, stepped back in and let my jaw fall to the floor.
ellen is back.
i know most people dont read comments as religiously as Balddee, so please refer back to Harmon's shame-faced return for my comment about last week's awkward encounter.
it was embarassing (not for Todd). it was revolting (again, not for Todd). and it put me off cleaning for a good long time, especially since the last time the swiffer saw that much action, it was in Ellen's hands, who was wiping harmon's fluids from the tabletop a few months back.
ok, i'm exiting memory lane now. and showering. thoroughly.
anyways, so i'm in the headquarters, not expecting anyone to be there (and who could stay in there for more than a few minutes at a time - it stunk of sex and rotting bananas and the naked lightbulbs dangling from the ceiling were enough to blind a bat), i'm ready to fire up the computer, enter article, press "submit" and run outta there at top speed when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but Ellen the Intern-cum-Senior Vice President of Advertising.
smiling a Tom Cruise crazy-ass, pearly white smile, Ellen gestures to the table in front of her: carmel apples (6), cranberry torte (1), blueberry pie (1), double fudge brownies (2 dozen) and chocolate chip cookies (3 dozen). all of the goodies piled high on the checkered cloth, accented with seasonal gourds and a crock pot of spiced cider. i looked at Ellen and noticed that her left eyelid was twitching in an unnatural way. i followed her dazed, glossy eyes behind me. i turned around to behold a fresh coat of paint on the walls (a nice latte brown), all of the previously random literature sitting well-organized in seperate bookshelves and stacked on coffee tables - wait, coffee tables? yes, i saw brand new ikea tables, chairs, pictures, shelves and even a vase of fake flowers, standing solemnly in the windowsill.
"did you do this?" i ask
no reply. just a creepy jerking motion in her right shoulder.
please understand that when i agreed to bestow my presence at the BMC, i immediately tried to form an alliance with Ellen, the only other girl. but after a few fruitless attempts, we came to an understanding of respect (her to me) and distance (me to her). Now i can see that this distance was absolutely necessary. i can see that if i dont back slowly out of the room thisverysecond, that she will accost me, and i will know about Todd, the closet and the swiffer. in detail. i will also have to deal with the reprocussions and (probably) be her anchor and confidant about said events for the year to come.
so i casually pick up a cookie, shuffle my feet a bit, turn tail and RUN. and so, yet again, i am submitting via internet cafe, another article that was not what i had intended. but who else will report this shit to you guys? right?
ellen is back.
i know most people dont read comments as religiously as Balddee, so please refer back to Harmon's shame-faced return for my comment about last week's awkward encounter.
it was embarassing (not for Todd). it was revolting (again, not for Todd). and it put me off cleaning for a good long time, especially since the last time the swiffer saw that much action, it was in Ellen's hands, who was wiping harmon's fluids from the tabletop a few months back.
ok, i'm exiting memory lane now. and showering. thoroughly.
anyways, so i'm in the headquarters, not expecting anyone to be there (and who could stay in there for more than a few minutes at a time - it stunk of sex and rotting bananas and the naked lightbulbs dangling from the ceiling were enough to blind a bat), i'm ready to fire up the computer, enter article, press "submit" and run outta there at top speed when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but Ellen the Intern-cum-Senior Vice President of Advertising.
smiling a Tom Cruise crazy-ass, pearly white smile, Ellen gestures to the table in front of her: carmel apples (6), cranberry torte (1), blueberry pie (1), double fudge brownies (2 dozen) and chocolate chip cookies (3 dozen). all of the goodies piled high on the checkered cloth, accented with seasonal gourds and a crock pot of spiced cider. i looked at Ellen and noticed that her left eyelid was twitching in an unnatural way. i followed her dazed, glossy eyes behind me. i turned around to behold a fresh coat of paint on the walls (a nice latte brown), all of the previously random literature sitting well-organized in seperate bookshelves and stacked on coffee tables - wait, coffee tables? yes, i saw brand new ikea tables, chairs, pictures, shelves and even a vase of fake flowers, standing solemnly in the windowsill.
"did you do this?" i ask
no reply. just a creepy jerking motion in her right shoulder.
please understand that when i agreed to bestow my presence at the BMC, i immediately tried to form an alliance with Ellen, the only other girl. but after a few fruitless attempts, we came to an understanding of respect (her to me) and distance (me to her). Now i can see that this distance was absolutely necessary. i can see that if i dont back slowly out of the room thisverysecond, that she will accost me, and i will know about Todd, the closet and the swiffer. in detail. i will also have to deal with the reprocussions and (probably) be her anchor and confidant about said events for the year to come.
so i casually pick up a cookie, shuffle my feet a bit, turn tail and RUN. and so, yet again, i am submitting via internet cafe, another article that was not what i had intended. but who else will report this shit to you guys? right?
Monday, October 02, 2006
Quality vs. Quantity or Why Men Cheat coming soon
I'm wasting my brain power on one of those talk shows like Extra or whatever and the topic on the table was "What Men Find Sexy or something like that,
what they did is go around and ask various men what they think is sexier Breast or Butt , Smile or Touch , Walk or Laugh ect .
The end result I didn't agree with, what it was is unimportant but if you want to know the winner was, well at least on that Poll was Breasts and Laugh which I disagree with 200 % .
This lead me to a different thought, If you have not gathered by now I am a Love Wizard I am the Sultan of Amore I bring people together it's what I do .
And if you have just stumbled onto our little blog site welcome and do yourself a Favor and inspect some of my past insightful relationship pieces Life altering ?
Yes they are ..
What I was thinking about is testing the mental state of Men with a little ditty we will be calling Quality vs. Quantity
As I have said countless times over, Men are Mentally inferior to Women I don't give a rat's ass if you disagree that's the way it is .
So next week, this topic will be put to the test " What is it oh Wise Balddee " thanks for asking in a nut shell one question women ask is" Why do men look at other Women or Why do Men Cheat ."
There are a lot of Ideas going thru my head on this one and it will take some time to cover it correctly .
In the meantime I will be pounding the Pavement this week doing research and trying to setup educated scenarios to better discuss this topic until then kids ..
Feel free to express different ideas that you would like me to cover .
what they did is go around and ask various men what they think is sexier Breast or Butt , Smile or Touch , Walk or Laugh ect .
The end result I didn't agree with, what it was is unimportant but if you want to know the winner was, well at least on that Poll was Breasts and Laugh which I disagree with 200 % .
This lead me to a different thought, If you have not gathered by now I am a Love Wizard I am the Sultan of Amore I bring people together it's what I do .
And if you have just stumbled onto our little blog site welcome and do yourself a Favor and inspect some of my past insightful relationship pieces Life altering ?
Yes they are ..
What I was thinking about is testing the mental state of Men with a little ditty we will be calling Quality vs. Quantity
As I have said countless times over, Men are Mentally inferior to Women I don't give a rat's ass if you disagree that's the way it is .
So next week, this topic will be put to the test " What is it oh Wise Balddee " thanks for asking in a nut shell one question women ask is" Why do men look at other Women or Why do Men Cheat ."
There are a lot of Ideas going thru my head on this one and it will take some time to cover it correctly .
In the meantime I will be pounding the Pavement this week doing research and trying to setup educated scenarios to better discuss this topic until then kids ..
Feel free to express different ideas that you would like me to cover .
Friday, September 29, 2006
The Places To Be
Ah dear Coitusers, some people are born to be losers (Harmon), some people are inherent losers (Baldee) and some people are losers from the moment that they wake up in the morning (Doc Gonz). And I’m the poor bastard that has to work with them.
QUESTION OF THE DAY
Last weeks question measured the recent change in government in Thailand. Coitusers, you voted for No over Yes by a mere 14 points. An interesting standpoint for the populous.
The most interesting aspect of the takeover was it versus the movie V For Vendetta. In the movie the people rise up against their government and the theme of the movie was:
I have genuine problem with this argument. The logic of this statement is steeped in fear; that both parties need to be kept in check in order to work. It states we only stay within the rules where we won’t get yelled at or attacked.
We should prefer to live in a society where we respect the government and wish to be active members within it. I know this sounds communistic, but why? I want to elect an official that has perhaps not my best interest in mind, but thinks of my community when they cast their votes. Perhaps this is not a realistic request and perhaps this is why society and government ultimately fail.
The question this week is far lighter, but still, perhaps poignant.
Ahh, leading off dear Coitusers we have an interesting article listing the angriest cities in America. Sure it’s from Men’s Health and—actually, I have only know one person in my entire life that has ordered Men’s Health though I did send in the card for a buddy of mine once as a joke, it was awesome but his wife hated it. He was the sort of jones that wanted to get into a frat but wasn’t cool enough. It was awkward. Good article anyway, enjoy!
Chuck Palahnuik where are you now? Why do we continually need to feed our ambitions and violence into video games and movies because we’re too afraid of real life? These little Elf Quest freaks need to get lives.
This isn’t a link so much as a thought. Is it possible to call the entire nation of China a “Fucker”? I mean to each individual would you be able to do it? Taking into consideration the amount of births occurring divided by the shortness of the time it actually takes to say “Fucker” compounded by the amount of time it would take to get the individual into the room. Yes… I have given this a fair amount of thought.
QUESTION OF THE DAY
Last weeks question measured the recent change in government in Thailand. Coitusers, you voted for No over Yes by a mere 14 points. An interesting standpoint for the populous.
The most interesting aspect of the takeover was it versus the movie V For Vendetta. In the movie the people rise up against their government and the theme of the movie was:
People shouldn’t be afraid of their government; the government should be afraid of its’ people.
I have genuine problem with this argument. The logic of this statement is steeped in fear; that both parties need to be kept in check in order to work. It states we only stay within the rules where we won’t get yelled at or attacked.
We should prefer to live in a society where we respect the government and wish to be active members within it. I know this sounds communistic, but why? I want to elect an official that has perhaps not my best interest in mind, but thinks of my community when they cast their votes. Perhaps this is not a realistic request and perhaps this is why society and government ultimately fail.
The question this week is far lighter, but still, perhaps poignant.
Ahh, leading off dear Coitusers we have an interesting article listing the angriest cities in America. Sure it’s from Men’s Health and—actually, I have only know one person in my entire life that has ordered Men’s Health though I did send in the card for a buddy of mine once as a joke, it was awesome but his wife hated it. He was the sort of jones that wanted to get into a frat but wasn’t cool enough. It was awkward. Good article anyway, enjoy!
Chuck Palahnuik where are you now? Why do we continually need to feed our ambitions and violence into video games and movies because we’re too afraid of real life? These little Elf Quest freaks need to get lives.
This isn’t a link so much as a thought. Is it possible to call the entire nation of China a “Fucker”? I mean to each individual would you be able to do it? Taking into consideration the amount of births occurring divided by the shortness of the time it actually takes to say “Fucker” compounded by the amount of time it would take to get the individual into the room. Yes… I have given this a fair amount of thought.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
The Return? In a word? Triumphant.
Due to cleverly used legal assistance I, Harmon, am back at the place that I know and love. The BMC. HQ still looks the same. No one's bothered to clean up. There's day old pizza and crepes (Balddee's) on the floor in the kitchen and several leaflets that seem to have a cover photo of Todd either defecating on or sodomizing a small man. So basically it's what you'd expect.
It's too bad Ellen's gone, what she lacked in common sense she more than made up for in swiffer ability. Damn. She took the swiffer with her. How will I reach those hard to, um, reach, cracks? Damn you Ellen! That Swiffer was not a gift! Technically it was your Christmas bonus but it turns out that giving women cleaning implements is considered "rude" or "condescending" in some circles. It's not like we have a ton of revenue coming in here, what with the market for skanky manwhores way down after Mule misinterpreted a "pitch a tent" reference at a Boy Scout Jamboree. Hmm. This is a thinker.
Some of you, hell, all of you may have noticed my random and incoherent musings over at Good Father Abstinence. And yeah that name is 100% awesome. It's okay to admit it. Anywho, with the revenge blog thoroughly established I think we ought to keep the fella around. So in the coming weeks we might be putting some stuff up there too. You never can tell really. And if you think that random comment is an indication of a well oiled, finely tuned set of bloggers here at the BMC well, you're fucking stupid. But we're trying to get organized, so that's something.
True every time we plan something we immediately state that no restriction can be placed upon our persons, and then when Todd writes random shit about a threeway that never happened and Mule follows it up with a conversation about a wookie or whatever we all get together and say we need to have a focal point. This blog is seriously lacking in feng shui! Except for maybe Satchel & Bel, they seem sorta feng shui-ish, or something. I guess. Moving on...
I kinda like this. Me explaining what's going on at the HQ of a blog that no one reads. We should do a blog about stuff we're doing at HQ all the time! That would be fascinating right? Right?
We recently went past 200 posts. That's kinda cool. Despite a complete lack of interest by the general populace we have still managed to kill off many, many hours at work generating this blog 200+ times. The achievement is something to be noted if not celebrated. It's sorta like masturbating 4 times in a day or something. I'm proud of it but I don't know if I should share it with others. To continue in the "our blog = masturbation" metaphor, this blog is pretty much exactly like boxing the clown in public. Exposed, feeling awkward, hoping some people don't know who you are and that others (the pretty ones) do know who you are and would like to know you better. Feeling good even though it might just be wrong. All that stuff. So for those of you who have bothered to read some of these 200 posts, we (and our genitalia) thank you.
It's too bad Ellen's gone, what she lacked in common sense she more than made up for in swiffer ability. Damn. She took the swiffer with her. How will I reach those hard to, um, reach, cracks? Damn you Ellen! That Swiffer was not a gift! Technically it was your Christmas bonus but it turns out that giving women cleaning implements is considered "rude" or "condescending" in some circles. It's not like we have a ton of revenue coming in here, what with the market for skanky manwhores way down after Mule misinterpreted a "pitch a tent" reference at a Boy Scout Jamboree. Hmm. This is a thinker.
Some of you, hell, all of you may have noticed my random and incoherent musings over at Good Father Abstinence. And yeah that name is 100% awesome. It's okay to admit it. Anywho, with the revenge blog thoroughly established I think we ought to keep the fella around. So in the coming weeks we might be putting some stuff up there too. You never can tell really. And if you think that random comment is an indication of a well oiled, finely tuned set of bloggers here at the BMC well, you're fucking stupid. But we're trying to get organized, so that's something.
True every time we plan something we immediately state that no restriction can be placed upon our persons, and then when Todd writes random shit about a threeway that never happened and Mule follows it up with a conversation about a wookie or whatever we all get together and say we need to have a focal point. This blog is seriously lacking in feng shui! Except for maybe Satchel & Bel, they seem sorta feng shui-ish, or something. I guess. Moving on...
I kinda like this. Me explaining what's going on at the HQ of a blog that no one reads. We should do a blog about stuff we're doing at HQ all the time! That would be fascinating right? Right?
We recently went past 200 posts. That's kinda cool. Despite a complete lack of interest by the general populace we have still managed to kill off many, many hours at work generating this blog 200+ times. The achievement is something to be noted if not celebrated. It's sorta like masturbating 4 times in a day or something. I'm proud of it but I don't know if I should share it with others. To continue in the "our blog = masturbation" metaphor, this blog is pretty much exactly like boxing the clown in public. Exposed, feeling awkward, hoping some people don't know who you are and that others (the pretty ones) do know who you are and would like to know you better. Feeling good even though it might just be wrong. All that stuff. So for those of you who have bothered to read some of these 200 posts, we (and our genitalia) thank you.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Why Was the Bloodhound Gang a Band?
I’m not the best individual to argue taste nor do I pride myself in every album I purchase being a masterpiece, but isn’t it time that we actually took pride in music particularly the lyrics that go into our songs? How does the Bloodhound Gang become a band? Is it a fear of sex and language so much that when a dirty word or body part is referenced it is treated like the greatest joke ever?
It is true that “dirty” words don’t need to be mainstays in artistic form but there are far more seething words that one could use if one wished to humiliate and humble somebody. Why must we continue to give such poorly spoken words so much power and then ignore poorly spoken phrases?
Take a sample off of the biggest song by the Bloodhound Gang Bad Touch:
Vince Neil would inform you that lyrics like this and what his band Motley Crue gave us are supposed to be about having a good time, not like the angst that music after him would give us. Music, to Neil, is supposed to be a distraction not something we need think about.
For me, I’ll spin The Clash’s 1977 masterpiece White Man In Hammersmith Palais:
Next Week: At Mule’s Funeral
It is true that “dirty” words don’t need to be mainstays in artistic form but there are far more seething words that one could use if one wished to humiliate and humble somebody. Why must we continue to give such poorly spoken words so much power and then ignore poorly spoken phrases?
Take a sample off of the biggest song by the Bloodhound Gang Bad Touch:
Love the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt only God knows where we stuck it
Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific I wanna be down in your South Seas
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means "Small Craft Advisory"
Vince Neil would inform you that lyrics like this and what his band Motley Crue gave us are supposed to be about having a good time, not like the angst that music after him would give us. Music, to Neil, is supposed to be a distraction not something we need think about.
For me, I’ll spin The Clash’s 1977 masterpiece White Man In Hammersmith Palais:
The new groups are not concerned
With what there is to be learned
They got Burton suits, you think it’s funny
Turning rebellion into money
Next Week: At Mule’s Funeral
Monday, September 25, 2006
Balddees 20 Overrated Films part 2
So there was a mixed reaction to my choice of Overrated Movies the Remo Fan Club realized that there leader left them so they redirected there anger towards me as if I give .
And then you had other open minded people who understood what I 'm trying saying and to them and Remo's Drones I say read on :
Recap of our first 7 :
Gone with the Wind, E.T. , Kill Bill 1 & 2 , Pulp Fiction , Broke Back Mountain , Chicago .
Today I probably will outrage the whole lot of you and but what else am I good for .
Lets start with films that deal with race relations or the lack there of
Green Mile
Would a African American Male being as big as that character was would he really go out of his way to be noticed during that time period. Would he really try and help 2 white kids when he knows That by looking at a white person would lead to his death really ?
Driving Miss Daisy
Oh I got an Idea lets do a film where this old Black guys who has dealt with racism his whole life decides to be patient and tolerant and goes out of his way to understand and befriend a spoiled crabby ass old lady .sure .
Monster's Ball
Is the most sadistic idea for a movie that I have ever heard of it's taken right out of the old slave history books Kill the husband rape the widow I watched that movie and that old history lesson played out for me. It was really hard to watch and then there was the Sex scene As much as any hetro man would not have a problem seeing Halle B take it I had to turn away .
The Common sense factor in this film was impossible to watch Kind of like .
West Side Story
So this guy and his racist buddies terrorize your neighborhood beat up your friends and eventually kill your brother and you still want to do him really ?
Then you have the Uptown Arts Fartsy films that if you don't like them your lame
Well these suck
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
What a self absorbent piece of drivel Please erase her out of my mind .
My lobes melted watching this piece of crap .
Sideways
Here's a good Idea Make everyone feel high class by putting out a low quality film about a half ass writer and his immature friend all in the Californian vineyards with not one funny or interesting thing in the whole fucking film But since it's wine and Wine has a stigma of Elegance you got the point .
American Beauty .
Hype hype hype the unhappy father and his over the top well to do dysfunctional family .
I found the whole thing to be stupid and the death scene meaningless as the whole film .
Then there's the old Hollywood block buster films that suck
Return of the King
Yes I said it this film sucks and it's not because it's Broke Back Middle Earth .
It's because it gets so sappy, and they push the fact of loyalty and friendship so much it's annoying we got it Sam is a good friend no need to have half the dialogue rehash out that fact .
Aside from the battle scenes which are excellent this film is not all it's cracked up to be .
Send your hate mail to Harmon .
Spiderman :
The overall film felt weak like something's were out of Place I revisited this film recently and it's not one thing to put your finger on it's just the feel is all wrong
I wanted to like this movie one of the various mistakes they made I think the first mistake was introducing Mary Jane Watson into the story so soon and not casting someone hot to do it That chick is Raggedy Looking sorry .
Titanic
Nostalgia is a mother fucker and that's all this film represented to me the funniest part is the band playing during the chaos of the boat sinking that cracked me up other then that I didn't care I know it was a tragedy and all but the film is cheesy from the Enya inspired back ground singing all made to ram a feeling down you throat whatever .
Office Space :
Attention just because you work in a cubicle does not mean you have to like his film 13 pieces of Flair really I wanted to laugh and it just didn't happen.
Napoleon Dynamite
Halloween is upon us and I am waiting as I did last year if I see any one dressed as that Character I 'm going to Violate there civil rights , Plain and simple .
You have to work to laugh at the film why should I work to find your film funny it's drivel I remember when I rented this crap The guy at Blockbuster was like yeah man this is hilarious I should of known better because he was one of those Uptown artsy fartsy types and above all he was 20 years old can a 20 something have enough taste to know if something's any good .
Anyway After about 15 minutes of this shit flick I had enough, I took it back and threw it at the counter and warned him not to push this film ever again .
Forrest Gump
Tall tales for stupid people I like when Forrest and Pecos Bill hog tied Babe the blue ox .
This film was a perfect example again of Hollywood's love for there own brand of Political Nostalgia I didn't understand the purpose of this film aside from it being Brain rot .
And then you had other open minded people who understood what I 'm trying saying and to them and Remo's Drones I say read on :
Recap of our first 7 :
Gone with the Wind, E.T. , Kill Bill 1 & 2 , Pulp Fiction , Broke Back Mountain , Chicago .
Today I probably will outrage the whole lot of you and but what else am I good for .
Lets start with films that deal with race relations or the lack there of
Green Mile
Would a African American Male being as big as that character was would he really go out of his way to be noticed during that time period. Would he really try and help 2 white kids when he knows That by looking at a white person would lead to his death really ?
Driving Miss Daisy
Oh I got an Idea lets do a film where this old Black guys who has dealt with racism his whole life decides to be patient and tolerant and goes out of his way to understand and befriend a spoiled crabby ass old lady .sure .
Monster's Ball
Is the most sadistic idea for a movie that I have ever heard of it's taken right out of the old slave history books Kill the husband rape the widow I watched that movie and that old history lesson played out for me. It was really hard to watch and then there was the Sex scene As much as any hetro man would not have a problem seeing Halle B take it I had to turn away .
The Common sense factor in this film was impossible to watch Kind of like .
West Side Story
So this guy and his racist buddies terrorize your neighborhood beat up your friends and eventually kill your brother and you still want to do him really ?
Then you have the Uptown Arts Fartsy films that if you don't like them your lame
Well these suck
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
What a self absorbent piece of drivel Please erase her out of my mind .
My lobes melted watching this piece of crap .
Sideways
Here's a good Idea Make everyone feel high class by putting out a low quality film about a half ass writer and his immature friend all in the Californian vineyards with not one funny or interesting thing in the whole fucking film But since it's wine and Wine has a stigma of Elegance you got the point .
American Beauty .
Hype hype hype the unhappy father and his over the top well to do dysfunctional family .
I found the whole thing to be stupid and the death scene meaningless as the whole film .
Then there's the old Hollywood block buster films that suck
Return of the King
Yes I said it this film sucks and it's not because it's Broke Back Middle Earth .
It's because it gets so sappy, and they push the fact of loyalty and friendship so much it's annoying we got it Sam is a good friend no need to have half the dialogue rehash out that fact .
Aside from the battle scenes which are excellent this film is not all it's cracked up to be .
Send your hate mail to Harmon .
Spiderman :
The overall film felt weak like something's were out of Place I revisited this film recently and it's not one thing to put your finger on it's just the feel is all wrong
I wanted to like this movie one of the various mistakes they made I think the first mistake was introducing Mary Jane Watson into the story so soon and not casting someone hot to do it That chick is Raggedy Looking sorry .
Titanic
Nostalgia is a mother fucker and that's all this film represented to me the funniest part is the band playing during the chaos of the boat sinking that cracked me up other then that I didn't care I know it was a tragedy and all but the film is cheesy from the Enya inspired back ground singing all made to ram a feeling down you throat whatever .
Office Space :
Attention just because you work in a cubicle does not mean you have to like his film 13 pieces of Flair really I wanted to laugh and it just didn't happen.
Napoleon Dynamite
Halloween is upon us and I am waiting as I did last year if I see any one dressed as that Character I 'm going to Violate there civil rights , Plain and simple .
You have to work to laugh at the film why should I work to find your film funny it's drivel I remember when I rented this crap The guy at Blockbuster was like yeah man this is hilarious I should of known better because he was one of those Uptown artsy fartsy types and above all he was 20 years old can a 20 something have enough taste to know if something's any good .
Anyway After about 15 minutes of this shit flick I had enough, I took it back and threw it at the counter and warned him not to push this film ever again .
Forrest Gump
Tall tales for stupid people I like when Forrest and Pecos Bill hog tied Babe the blue ox .
This film was a perfect example again of Hollywood's love for there own brand of Political Nostalgia I didn't understand the purpose of this film aside from it being Brain rot .
Friday, September 22, 2006
Friday's Places To Be
Good day Coitusers! Of special, note before we get into the actual links, is the individual that posted yesterday. I don’t know who the person was that posted on the blog yesterday but… wow… it’s good.
QUESTION OF THE DAY
Two weeks previous the readers announced that Bloggers were the smartest celebrity on the face of the planet. This is, unequivocally true. People that are capable of publishing with little to no factual back ups are smarter than other celebrities such as: Movie Stars (Tom Cruise v. Psychiatrists), Rock Stars (Michael Jackson), TV Stars (this will be a later article as I don’t really think there are TV stars; there are just folks that make us feel comfortable while watching TV) and Politicians (well… c’mon).
A change of government occurred in a country on Wednesday and it is not the headline on any of our major news websites. The coup, according to the press and even the Prime Minister, was expected but what are the thoughts of Bad Mother Coitus? We encourage everybody to do more reading and comments besides this initial posting that the BBC offered us.
This is Greg. Greg is starting out his website and wants joneses to write him interesting an intriguing questions on any subject. I’ve suffered him with a close reading of Justin Timberlake’s hip new chart topper Sexyback. Good luck Greg, the world waits on your answer. Actually, how much would that suck? You live a good life, you send your kids to a good school then you get to heaven and Saint Peter asks you: Explain to me the meaning of N’SYNC and why they were a popular group. I don’t think God would like my answer but I hope that he would respect it.
This is one of my favorite websites. It’s beautiful; it’s sad. It makes you feel depressed for some and then gives you hope for humanity. The person that maintains it posts fresh post cards every Monday though you may also be lucky enough to catch the traveling show that tours museums across the country. Also, there is a lovely book that I was able to give to a good friend of mine a little while a back and still view it as one of the finest gifts I’ve ever given.
This woman reminded me a lot of the cat lady in Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell and not just because they’re both Italian. I gave the book mixed reviews but seriously, who amongst us have not thought of cornering themselves up inside of a room for 26 years? Of course I am writing a blog to communicate with people but… well, this way I don’t need to listen…
Because I love it when Fox News sucks. Really I do.
I know that we posted a notification that this movie was coming out before. I know that I told everybody that if they saw one movie next year that this is the movie that they should see. I further know that I am in love in no way with violence or the rancor that is associated with it. However, this movie looks incredible. This is the wikipedia website so that all might be prepared for the historical value of the movie. Frank Miller wanted to bring this story to us like he was taught history by picture books in his childhood.
I did my best, along with babel fish, to translate the Greek in the text of the website. It, for the most part, is all about bringing the trailer to the Comic Con in San Diego and how most people didn’t want to show it as it was too brutal and violent.
On a final note, this is the 200th posting on this fair website. Thank you. From everybody that has posted an entry on this website to those people that read or comment on this website on an everyday basis we really do appreciate the time that you take to read us and the comments you send.
Keep reading, we’ll keep writing.
QUESTION OF THE DAY
Two weeks previous the readers announced that Bloggers were the smartest celebrity on the face of the planet. This is, unequivocally true. People that are capable of publishing with little to no factual back ups are smarter than other celebrities such as: Movie Stars (Tom Cruise v. Psychiatrists), Rock Stars (Michael Jackson), TV Stars (this will be a later article as I don’t really think there are TV stars; there are just folks that make us feel comfortable while watching TV) and Politicians (well… c’mon).
A change of government occurred in a country on Wednesday and it is not the headline on any of our major news websites. The coup, according to the press and even the Prime Minister, was expected but what are the thoughts of Bad Mother Coitus? We encourage everybody to do more reading and comments besides this initial posting that the BBC offered us.
This is Greg. Greg is starting out his website and wants joneses to write him interesting an intriguing questions on any subject. I’ve suffered him with a close reading of Justin Timberlake’s hip new chart topper Sexyback. Good luck Greg, the world waits on your answer. Actually, how much would that suck? You live a good life, you send your kids to a good school then you get to heaven and Saint Peter asks you: Explain to me the meaning of N’SYNC and why they were a popular group. I don’t think God would like my answer but I hope that he would respect it.
This is one of my favorite websites. It’s beautiful; it’s sad. It makes you feel depressed for some and then gives you hope for humanity. The person that maintains it posts fresh post cards every Monday though you may also be lucky enough to catch the traveling show that tours museums across the country. Also, there is a lovely book that I was able to give to a good friend of mine a little while a back and still view it as one of the finest gifts I’ve ever given.
This woman reminded me a lot of the cat lady in Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell and not just because they’re both Italian. I gave the book mixed reviews but seriously, who amongst us have not thought of cornering themselves up inside of a room for 26 years? Of course I am writing a blog to communicate with people but… well, this way I don’t need to listen…
Because I love it when Fox News sucks. Really I do.
I know that we posted a notification that this movie was coming out before. I know that I told everybody that if they saw one movie next year that this is the movie that they should see. I further know that I am in love in no way with violence or the rancor that is associated with it. However, this movie looks incredible. This is the wikipedia website so that all might be prepared for the historical value of the movie. Frank Miller wanted to bring this story to us like he was taught history by picture books in his childhood.
I did my best, along with babel fish, to translate the Greek in the text of the website. It, for the most part, is all about bringing the trailer to the Comic Con in San Diego and how most people didn’t want to show it as it was too brutal and violent.
On a final note, this is the 200th posting on this fair website. Thank you. From everybody that has posted an entry on this website to those people that read or comment on this website on an everyday basis we really do appreciate the time that you take to read us and the comments you send.
Keep reading, we’ll keep writing.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Conversations ~ one of nine
I Want To Drive Far
we should whisper
Why? There Is No One Else.
right. so who are you showing off for?
hmm. fine.
not that quiet.
better?
yes. you were saying?
i want to drive far
like to gramma's house far?
further. alone.
alone?
or maybe with you. can you be quiet and still? can you listen, actually listen, when i play a song on the radio and implicitly tell you to listen because it means something to me that i don't know how to say otherwise?
i can listen. listening is the first duty of love.
right... what? where did you get that from?
it was on a sign at an auto repair dealership in my hometown. they often put mildly profound sentiments up there.
interesting.
yes, much more so than walgreens and their "buy two dasani's for two dollars" sign.
so you can listen then? this won't be an issue? because at times you say you want to listen but then you don't.
i will.
okay. then you can come.
why do you want to drive so far away?
if you're there it won't be "away."
but it won't change anything.
it'll just be different. i don't know what the world is like on the other side of grandma's house. how am i to find out if i never drive?
you could hike.
i'm not talking about the means of transportation...
i know.
i want this place to feel new. i want to not be tired. i want to laugh at myself.
so do it.
i want to wake up and not think "well, here comes the return of the suck."
you think that?
sometimes. not often, but when i do i feel it all the way down to the bone.
that's life.
i want to know what it's like to not disappoint myself. how would it feel to not give in?
do you want to find out or are you just fishing for sympathetic souls?
maybe both.
that's why you haven't found out what that's like then. stop fishing.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
The Interview Bootlegs: Wookiees Are Not Pets
I had the pleasure of talking with Thomas Sullivan at Café Avanti here on the North Side of Chicago. He was dressed in his Cloak of Nuun, an article of clothing he had won from some jones named Yuuzhan Vong. He further informed me that he was waiting to meet a special lady friend he had met on the internet for a cup of cocoa; caffeine, is not allowed in his system as it is poison and his training would not allow poison to be put into his body.
Bad Mother Coitus: So what does lady friend look like?
Thomas Sullivan: She described herself as having the flowing red hair of Mara Jade Skywalker, the mysteriousness of Nen Yim and the body of Bria Tharen.
BMC: Bria Tharen, eh?
TS: I know! I’ll cure her of an addiction to Exultation!
BMC: Well, that’s how I would look at it. You know, I dig the outfit; I’ve always wanted a pet Wookie-
TS: Wookiees, sir, are not pets! If you believe that you are no better than the Czerka, Pollard Seario and an individual that I should become Ganner Rhysode in the Well of the World Brain and thereby defeat!
BMC: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
TS: Well, Wookiees are peaceful creatures though quick to anger. They have long retractable claws which are never used in combat; well unless they’re Madclaws but you’d be dead before you’d remember that, you Kibbick the Hutt. Their homeworld is called Kashyyk or as someone with your laser brain would refer to it: G5-623.
BMC: Well, didn’t Han Solo keep one as a pet?
TS: Chewbacca son of Attichituk named for the greatest chieftan of the Wookiee speicies: Bacca, was pet to nobody! He was in the life-debt of a certain then Lieutenant in the Imperial TIE Fighters who freed him and then made him his co-pilot. Again, sir, I challenge you to a duel to the death and where I will become one with Force, this shall be my Mustafar!
BMC: Shit man, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.
TS: I just get emotional with all of this. You people who don’t understand the real world. You don’t get it, you’re like Lama Su, spreading your great evil. I must leave before my actions turn me violent.
BMC: Wait! What about your date? What will Nim Beyan or whatever her name is do?
Next Week’s Article: Why was the Bloodhound Gang a band?
Bad Mother Coitus: So what does lady friend look like?
Thomas Sullivan: She described herself as having the flowing red hair of Mara Jade Skywalker, the mysteriousness of Nen Yim and the body of Bria Tharen.
BMC: Bria Tharen, eh?
TS: I know! I’ll cure her of an addiction to Exultation!
BMC: Well, that’s how I would look at it. You know, I dig the outfit; I’ve always wanted a pet Wookie-
TS: Wookiees, sir, are not pets! If you believe that you are no better than the Czerka, Pollard Seario and an individual that I should become Ganner Rhysode in the Well of the World Brain and thereby defeat!
BMC: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
TS: Well, Wookiees are peaceful creatures though quick to anger. They have long retractable claws which are never used in combat; well unless they’re Madclaws but you’d be dead before you’d remember that, you Kibbick the Hutt. Their homeworld is called Kashyyk or as someone with your laser brain would refer to it: G5-623.
BMC: Well, didn’t Han Solo keep one as a pet?
TS: Chewbacca son of Attichituk named for the greatest chieftan of the Wookiee speicies: Bacca, was pet to nobody! He was in the life-debt of a certain then Lieutenant in the Imperial TIE Fighters who freed him and then made him his co-pilot. Again, sir, I challenge you to a duel to the death and where I will become one with Force, this shall be my Mustafar!
BMC: Shit man, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.
TS: I just get emotional with all of this. You people who don’t understand the real world. You don’t get it, you’re like Lama Su, spreading your great evil. I must leave before my actions turn me violent.
BMC: Wait! What about your date? What will Nim Beyan or whatever her name is do?
Next Week’s Article: Why was the Bloodhound Gang a band?
what is up the asses of all these bosses nowadays? that's what I wnt to know. Fuck. So I been working at this pizza jount that shall remain nameless due to litigatary reasons and i got fired the other day. it's not like i fucked up or anything, i was working my normal shift and delivering pizzas and stuff and then the boss wants to talk to me and i'm thinking he wants to get a little weed but he usually only does that on the weekends so i was all confused and anyway i go talk to the little bald fucker and he's all fired up and pissed at me.
he said i couldn't be trading shifts with the cooks cuz they don't drive and shit and i'm a driver but fuck dude, where's that written in the rule book y'know? so one thing led to another and i got pissed at him too and for a second i think he wanted to take a swing at me but i'm all man and he's just a little bald fucker so he didn't try it. i could see it in his eyes tho. He wanted to. So i explained my sitch to the dumbass about why I was trading shifts and whatever and i don't think he got it. i mean, i'm tryin to set up my dj company and i can't be working late on the weekends y'know? i got places to be and songs to mix right? i can't be holding down no pizza job when i could be spinning records for the beautiful babies right? right? fuck.
so i do everything i can to support my position on this deal and he doesn't even care. so i say fuck it and walk out and he yells that he fired me, i'm not quitting and i told him i'm not a quitter and fuck him and his little bald head. it was fucking awesome. so now i'm working on setting up my dj company and it's gonna be sweet. hopefully my sister melanie will be able to lend me the $500 cash she promised so i can get my shit going. Then i'll be mixing records and getting more ass than a toilet. except there won't be shit involved in my scenario you know what i'm sayin? just sweet ass for DJ Fingerbang. I know what you're thinking, awesome name right, I thought of it cuz like I'm using my fingers to get people off on the dance floor. It's fuckin genius. plus it lets the ladies know that i've got them on the mind. no "just friends" shit for me man. leave that to the fags. DJ Fingerbang is coming to town ladies, and you'll be coming too.
he said i couldn't be trading shifts with the cooks cuz they don't drive and shit and i'm a driver but fuck dude, where's that written in the rule book y'know? so one thing led to another and i got pissed at him too and for a second i think he wanted to take a swing at me but i'm all man and he's just a little bald fucker so he didn't try it. i could see it in his eyes tho. He wanted to. So i explained my sitch to the dumbass about why I was trading shifts and whatever and i don't think he got it. i mean, i'm tryin to set up my dj company and i can't be working late on the weekends y'know? i got places to be and songs to mix right? i can't be holding down no pizza job when i could be spinning records for the beautiful babies right? right? fuck.
so i do everything i can to support my position on this deal and he doesn't even care. so i say fuck it and walk out and he yells that he fired me, i'm not quitting and i told him i'm not a quitter and fuck him and his little bald head. it was fucking awesome. so now i'm working on setting up my dj company and it's gonna be sweet. hopefully my sister melanie will be able to lend me the $500 cash she promised so i can get my shit going. Then i'll be mixing records and getting more ass than a toilet. except there won't be shit involved in my scenario you know what i'm sayin? just sweet ass for DJ Fingerbang. I know what you're thinking, awesome name right, I thought of it cuz like I'm using my fingers to get people off on the dance floor. It's fuckin genius. plus it lets the ladies know that i've got them on the mind. no "just friends" shit for me man. leave that to the fags. DJ Fingerbang is coming to town ladies, and you'll be coming too.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
allergies, beware!
some people engage in spring cleaning. some people throw open the windows on a glorious 50 degree day in april, tear open the closets for goodwill, beat the hallway rugs outside, and actually use that dusting spray that smells so nasty. some people are spring cleaners. i, am not.
in my usual 8pm wine stupor last night, i was alerted that my roomie would have an entire bedroom set delivered the following day. in 12 hours, in fact. not only this, but it was my cue for the Room Swap. the Room Swap, you may know (if you've been privvy enough to have a roomie for a few years at a time), happens at the renewal of the lease. a fresh start to a fresh new year in the same old apartment. since roomie's stuff was not being carried up the 16 flights of stairs with help from yours truely, i had agreed (albeit 3 months ago) to have this be the Swap Day.
If i was a spring cleaner, i'm sure the dust would still have settled as thick as a fleece throw some 6 months later. if i was a spring cleaner, i'm sure the sheer volume of my reading habit would still have encouraged the overflow of literature next to my bed. if i was a spring cleaner, oh, if only i was a spring cleaner, my closet would surely house fewer garments.
i'm not a shopper (mostly due to monetary reasons). i buy only a smattering of new clothes & shoes each year: a new sweater for winter, a few dress shirts for work, a new pair of jeans & some trendy capris for the summer. not much when you add it into my collection. at one point in life, i shared a closet the size of a linen cuboard. shared.
however, spring cleaners usually roll up their sleeves and get down and dirty with clothes that havent been worn in 2 years. they assess the situation and discard each unused item into a hefty bag (preferably black) and never look back. they will then take their hard labor and donate it to a worthy cause, return to a clean home are satisfied with life. each fall, when it comes time to swap up the sweaters for the tank tops, they can enjoy a quick, 20 minute process of: open airtight rubbermaid container, take out reasonable amount of sweaters, place on bed, open bottom bureau drawer, take out summerwear, place on bed, put sweaters nicely into drawer, close drawer, put summerwear into airtight rubbermaid container, close container, wipe hands, walk away.
me? i run around like a crazy drunk woman (well, when am i not a crazy drunk woman these days?) throwing clothing in all directions, attempting to stuff wool, cotton and undergarments into every possible nook and cranny in my bureau, all the while creating a huge tornado of dust and cat fur because i am upsetting the delicate ecological balance of un-springcleaned room.
it was exhausting, folks, but my shit is moved. although, roomie made me take the dust with me, so here i sit, sneezing, writing while perched on top of the mound of jeans i had to store on top of my bed. perhaps next april i'll start... wait, arent these the jeans i wore to that football game in high school and that cute stoner spilled beer on them?? i cant get rid of these! ahh... memories...
in my usual 8pm wine stupor last night, i was alerted that my roomie would have an entire bedroom set delivered the following day. in 12 hours, in fact. not only this, but it was my cue for the Room Swap. the Room Swap, you may know (if you've been privvy enough to have a roomie for a few years at a time), happens at the renewal of the lease. a fresh start to a fresh new year in the same old apartment. since roomie's stuff was not being carried up the 16 flights of stairs with help from yours truely, i had agreed (albeit 3 months ago) to have this be the Swap Day.
If i was a spring cleaner, i'm sure the dust would still have settled as thick as a fleece throw some 6 months later. if i was a spring cleaner, i'm sure the sheer volume of my reading habit would still have encouraged the overflow of literature next to my bed. if i was a spring cleaner, oh, if only i was a spring cleaner, my closet would surely house fewer garments.
i'm not a shopper (mostly due to monetary reasons). i buy only a smattering of new clothes & shoes each year: a new sweater for winter, a few dress shirts for work, a new pair of jeans & some trendy capris for the summer. not much when you add it into my collection. at one point in life, i shared a closet the size of a linen cuboard. shared.
however, spring cleaners usually roll up their sleeves and get down and dirty with clothes that havent been worn in 2 years. they assess the situation and discard each unused item into a hefty bag (preferably black) and never look back. they will then take their hard labor and donate it to a worthy cause, return to a clean home are satisfied with life. each fall, when it comes time to swap up the sweaters for the tank tops, they can enjoy a quick, 20 minute process of: open airtight rubbermaid container, take out reasonable amount of sweaters, place on bed, open bottom bureau drawer, take out summerwear, place on bed, put sweaters nicely into drawer, close drawer, put summerwear into airtight rubbermaid container, close container, wipe hands, walk away.
me? i run around like a crazy drunk woman (well, when am i not a crazy drunk woman these days?) throwing clothing in all directions, attempting to stuff wool, cotton and undergarments into every possible nook and cranny in my bureau, all the while creating a huge tornado of dust and cat fur because i am upsetting the delicate ecological balance of un-springcleaned room.
it was exhausting, folks, but my shit is moved. although, roomie made me take the dust with me, so here i sit, sneezing, writing while perched on top of the mound of jeans i had to store on top of my bed. perhaps next april i'll start... wait, arent these the jeans i wore to that football game in high school and that cute stoner spilled beer on them?? i cant get rid of these! ahh... memories...
Monday, September 18, 2006
7 of Balddees Overrated 20 Films
Every Monday for the remainder of this Month I will be bitching about Things I Hate the Topic for now .
7 of Balddes 20 most overrated films ever I don't care how many awards or Great reviews these films have received they suck so deal with it .
I am not interested in your opinions of other films that suck this aint a free for all so don't bother telling me what you think sucks I didn't ask .
Gone with the Wind :
Lets just start with this HE RAPES HER FOLKS HE TAKES HER AGAINST HER WILL UP THE STEPS AND RAPES HER .
E.T.
Bad acting lame story I hate when a movie is constructed to make you feel sad or whatever I don't like stuff spoon feed to me. Also lets get this straight they will do there best to hide a fucking Alien but they don't want any Minorities in the Burbs Fuck that frog die ya long fingered freak .
Kill Bill 1 & 2
This Crap counts as 2 films people for those of you keeping score .
I know a lot of people like Taratino I am not one of those people. I give no one an easy way in jus because everyone like there work .
I think a lot of his films are just plain crap and this is one of them, I wanted to like this film and I tried VERY HARD. I love my blood and Guts and Samurai Swords but overall the film just sucked for me it was a case of Hype that ran amuck .
Pulp Fiction :
Again another film where Hype takes center stage. The only reason you like this film is because you were told to like it .
Travolta danced again wow really that's the clip that they always show to reference how great this film was really .
Again I wanted to like this film but the story did nothing for me and not to pick on Travolta but his hip street accent got on my last fucking nerve .
Broke Back Mountain :
This will probably offend a lot of people but fuck you .
Again this is a another example of an emotionally driven film being pushed upon us .
It was intentionally done in a manner so that those involved could win acclaim and awards. Hence cashing in on the real struggles of Gay People if they really wanted to go for something real and Make a statement why not hire 2 gay actors to play the role.
Chicago
It's a fucking play if you want to honor the concept then spread the acclaim and praise to the actors on Broadway who bring this crap to life every fucking night .
7 of Balddes 20 most overrated films ever I don't care how many awards or Great reviews these films have received they suck so deal with it .
I am not interested in your opinions of other films that suck this aint a free for all so don't bother telling me what you think sucks I didn't ask .
Gone with the Wind :
Lets just start with this HE RAPES HER FOLKS HE TAKES HER AGAINST HER WILL UP THE STEPS AND RAPES HER .
E.T.
Bad acting lame story I hate when a movie is constructed to make you feel sad or whatever I don't like stuff spoon feed to me. Also lets get this straight they will do there best to hide a fucking Alien but they don't want any Minorities in the Burbs Fuck that frog die ya long fingered freak .
Kill Bill 1 & 2
This Crap counts as 2 films people for those of you keeping score .
I know a lot of people like Taratino I am not one of those people. I give no one an easy way in jus because everyone like there work .
I think a lot of his films are just plain crap and this is one of them, I wanted to like this film and I tried VERY HARD. I love my blood and Guts and Samurai Swords but overall the film just sucked for me it was a case of Hype that ran amuck .
Pulp Fiction :
Again another film where Hype takes center stage. The only reason you like this film is because you were told to like it .
Travolta danced again wow really that's the clip that they always show to reference how great this film was really .
Again I wanted to like this film but the story did nothing for me and not to pick on Travolta but his hip street accent got on my last fucking nerve .
Broke Back Mountain :
This will probably offend a lot of people but fuck you .
Again this is a another example of an emotionally driven film being pushed upon us .
It was intentionally done in a manner so that those involved could win acclaim and awards. Hence cashing in on the real struggles of Gay People if they really wanted to go for something real and Make a statement why not hire 2 gay actors to play the role.
Chicago
It's a fucking play if you want to honor the concept then spread the acclaim and praise to the actors on Broadway who bring this crap to life every fucking night .
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Let Baldde Answer your Questions : Tags needs to hump
I was going thru stuff and I realized I didn't answer a love question that was posed to me some time ago .
If anything the complexities of love astound me and more then the average person I have seemed to grasp the small details that either propel a relationship to epic proportions or if not noticed assist the situation to failure .
A while back I put out a Ask Balddee section I got one hit but going back I realized that I actually had 2 questions one that I was unsure was a question in showing a friend they helped me realize a grave error this is the question asked .
Let Baldde Answer Questions on : Sex, Love , Music , The Middle East, Politics.
Comments:
Anonymous said...
I kind of like this girl and don't really know how to ask her out. We go to school and everything but I don't even think she knows that I exist.
Cool website, sorry just stumbled in when I saw that Mule was a New Pornographer's fan.
-Tags
So tags I am sorry for not getting this done but fuck it better late then never.
First thing I'm going to tell you is Fuck her !!!
Never put someone above yourself if she don't notice you to bad for her but if
no one is noticing you then we have a problem and that is what I'm going to address .
I don't know how old you are or what you look like but there is no magic answer to this there is no grand gesture that you can do for someone who don't know you if you did in the real world she probably would think your a freak hence my first reference. So FUCK HITCH !
What I would do is first take a look at yourself and be honest how much attention do you get on average if other women are looking at you then be sure it's not because they are pointing and Laughing here's a check list that will lead you to love or at least conversation .
Your overall Fashion appearance:
I mean if you dress like Napoleon Dynamite yeah that's funny for Halloween but that is really Fucking sad for your everyday appearance and I don't mean you have to dress like your out of GQ but fuck it man if you aint dating picking a couple of those types of outfits cant hurt .
Your Bodily Maintence :
Do you smell good, do you keep up positive hygiene nothing says don't date or fuck me cause I smell Like left over Taco Bell . so shave, make sure you have a decent hairstyle a Mullet is unacceptable being Bald in my experience is best .
The Secret Weapon :
I don't know you so I 'm assuming that your shy so telling you to be confident is a waste of time, you cant tell someone that cause in reality it don't happen what you can do is change your surroundings to one that can slowly support a change in your mental outlook . If you have friends and they date more then some of your other buddies hang out with them more then the guy whose at the 58 level of Galaxton 12.
For fucks sake go out attend something other then a movie check out the local music scene anything and I mean put some thought into it if your a Kevin Federline then change in your music taste is of the utmost urgency .
I don't know where you live but do some investigating into what is going on in you area and start going !!The point is not to just meet women but for you to readjust yourself into acting and thinking differently building your own new click of thing you would not have done before.
What I'm going to tell you is the most vital piece of information any Straight guy can have and this is a point of heated controversy get a Gay friend .
That's right I said it why ?
One is it's new millennium and good company comes in different races, sexes and different sexual preferences and you sound like a guy who needs as much exposure to different things as possible again this not about you bagging this chick that you have a crush on this about you getting to know many different ladies
And if it's one thing that's true is MOST GAY men have a lot of girlfriends and that will help you along .
You can try these steps shit this is better then what I was initially going to tell you and that was :
Hey TAGS I hear you got a crush on some girl here's what you do, find the tightest pair of slacks you can find I mean the kind that really show off your bulge and a shirt tied to your waist .
Walk up to her and just say hey you wanna go do this and as you talk to her look her in eyes and make sure you point your gaze at your bulge so she too will look at what your dealing . She may run or she may be astounded .
If anything the complexities of love astound me and more then the average person I have seemed to grasp the small details that either propel a relationship to epic proportions or if not noticed assist the situation to failure .
A while back I put out a Ask Balddee section I got one hit but going back I realized that I actually had 2 questions one that I was unsure was a question in showing a friend they helped me realize a grave error this is the question asked .
Let Baldde Answer Questions on : Sex, Love , Music , The Middle East, Politics.
Comments:
Anonymous said...
I kind of like this girl and don't really know how to ask her out. We go to school and everything but I don't even think she knows that I exist.
Cool website, sorry just stumbled in when I saw that Mule was a New Pornographer's fan.
-Tags
So tags I am sorry for not getting this done but fuck it better late then never.
First thing I'm going to tell you is Fuck her !!!
Never put someone above yourself if she don't notice you to bad for her but if
no one is noticing you then we have a problem and that is what I'm going to address .
I don't know how old you are or what you look like but there is no magic answer to this there is no grand gesture that you can do for someone who don't know you if you did in the real world she probably would think your a freak hence my first reference. So FUCK HITCH !
What I would do is first take a look at yourself and be honest how much attention do you get on average if other women are looking at you then be sure it's not because they are pointing and Laughing here's a check list that will lead you to love or at least conversation .
Your overall Fashion appearance:
I mean if you dress like Napoleon Dynamite yeah that's funny for Halloween but that is really Fucking sad for your everyday appearance and I don't mean you have to dress like your out of GQ but fuck it man if you aint dating picking a couple of those types of outfits cant hurt .
Your Bodily Maintence :
Do you smell good, do you keep up positive hygiene nothing says don't date or fuck me cause I smell Like left over Taco Bell . so shave, make sure you have a decent hairstyle a Mullet is unacceptable being Bald in my experience is best .
The Secret Weapon :
I don't know you so I 'm assuming that your shy so telling you to be confident is a waste of time, you cant tell someone that cause in reality it don't happen what you can do is change your surroundings to one that can slowly support a change in your mental outlook . If you have friends and they date more then some of your other buddies hang out with them more then the guy whose at the 58 level of Galaxton 12.
For fucks sake go out attend something other then a movie check out the local music scene anything and I mean put some thought into it if your a Kevin Federline then change in your music taste is of the utmost urgency .
I don't know where you live but do some investigating into what is going on in you area and start going !!The point is not to just meet women but for you to readjust yourself into acting and thinking differently building your own new click of thing you would not have done before.
What I'm going to tell you is the most vital piece of information any Straight guy can have and this is a point of heated controversy get a Gay friend .
That's right I said it why ?
One is it's new millennium and good company comes in different races, sexes and different sexual preferences and you sound like a guy who needs as much exposure to different things as possible again this not about you bagging this chick that you have a crush on this about you getting to know many different ladies
And if it's one thing that's true is MOST GAY men have a lot of girlfriends and that will help you along .
You can try these steps shit this is better then what I was initially going to tell you and that was :
Hey TAGS I hear you got a crush on some girl here's what you do, find the tightest pair of slacks you can find I mean the kind that really show off your bulge and a shirt tied to your waist .
Walk up to her and just say hey you wanna go do this and as you talk to her look her in eyes and make sure you point your gaze at your bulge so she too will look at what your dealing . She may run or she may be astounded .
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
King Blasphasar Makes a Mighty Purchase!
Glorious King Blasphasar the Bitter of the now disputed Plutonic ring of Hell, planted his banner in the lower leftern lobe and declared for all those around: “This land is our land.”
To the lesser archfiends that surrounded him he bade, “Soon we’ll be mired in the thick of it. But through all we will hold this line.” He paused to let the drama sink for King Blasphasar the Bitter was nothing short of a drama junkie; his spaded tail leapt in the air then snapped down upon an imaginary line on the gyrus. Imaginary accept to those that truly believed.
The faithful following hellspawn shed the only petroleum tears they would know that day. Come the nagging burning sensation of Holy Water, the continual pamphlets that the Jews for Jesus would give them (which they had promised not to recycle) or even the promised plagues, which to them was more of an irony as they were windigo and already suffered through most of the nuisances (the French demons were looking especially forward to the rain of frogs), they would hold that line!
But nobody ever came.
“Samael, come hither” Brave Blasphasar bade his most faithful slave. “As our mortgage company did not afford us the capital to have a complete home owner’s inspection and only allowed the obligatory appraisal so that we could meet their closing costs, we need a rundown of this brain. Pray go forth and secure whatever knowledge is available to us. Pry into the deepest places and bring to the surface what may come so we might be assured that our land is sound!”
So spake the great King who’s will was soon done- well, after Sameal’s work could be confirmed by the Department of Housing and Urban Development, so six to eight weeks. Sameal report confirmed that this new land good land, fertile land.
“Surely this is the prophesized land that was spoke of in days of old!” Their wizened leader spoke, holding the findings above his hand!
So they built a good lodging there, taking care not to over develop their property with the surrounding neighborhood, but cognizant of the creature comforts that existed in life. They limited themselves to only the bare minimum of skulls on the exterior of the house so as to maximize the number of gargoyles and also the skulls that they could be used on the interior. They knew that it would cost them a little bit more money up front but when it came winter time they would more than make up the costs.
And glorious King Blasphasar now sits with a jewel on his troubled brow, surveying the impending darkness and the depression that he was able to bring upon this body. A ray of happiness comes with this and also that he was able to get a really good fixed rate on his mortgage.
To the lesser archfiends that surrounded him he bade, “Soon we’ll be mired in the thick of it. But through all we will hold this line.” He paused to let the drama sink for King Blasphasar the Bitter was nothing short of a drama junkie; his spaded tail leapt in the air then snapped down upon an imaginary line on the gyrus. Imaginary accept to those that truly believed.
The faithful following hellspawn shed the only petroleum tears they would know that day. Come the nagging burning sensation of Holy Water, the continual pamphlets that the Jews for Jesus would give them (which they had promised not to recycle) or even the promised plagues, which to them was more of an irony as they were windigo and already suffered through most of the nuisances (the French demons were looking especially forward to the rain of frogs), they would hold that line!
But nobody ever came.
“Samael, come hither” Brave Blasphasar bade his most faithful slave. “As our mortgage company did not afford us the capital to have a complete home owner’s inspection and only allowed the obligatory appraisal so that we could meet their closing costs, we need a rundown of this brain. Pray go forth and secure whatever knowledge is available to us. Pry into the deepest places and bring to the surface what may come so we might be assured that our land is sound!”
So spake the great King who’s will was soon done- well, after Sameal’s work could be confirmed by the Department of Housing and Urban Development, so six to eight weeks. Sameal report confirmed that this new land good land, fertile land.
“Surely this is the prophesized land that was spoke of in days of old!” Their wizened leader spoke, holding the findings above his hand!
So they built a good lodging there, taking care not to over develop their property with the surrounding neighborhood, but cognizant of the creature comforts that existed in life. They limited themselves to only the bare minimum of skulls on the exterior of the house so as to maximize the number of gargoyles and also the skulls that they could be used on the interior. They knew that it would cost them a little bit more money up front but when it came winter time they would more than make up the costs.
And glorious King Blasphasar now sits with a jewel on his troubled brow, surveying the impending darkness and the depression that he was able to bring upon this body. A ray of happiness comes with this and also that he was able to get a really good fixed rate on his mortgage.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Where We've Been... Again
Coitusers… a moment of honesty. I have not read a newspaper or watched the news in probably a week. As Ozzie Osborne once spoke with a sage like wisdom: "sobriety… fucking… sucks." Anyway, I’ve been possessed by demons so I’m a little out of it.
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The public spoke and by a resounding 13% found Baldee’s image to most closely resemble… Actor Rene Russo! This again proves that we do have the most intelligent readers on the web.
Just when you thought it couldn’t be any more annoying to leave the house… The pain is that this is going to be everywhere in a few years and we will all have to look at this crap everyday for the rest of our lives. So… loyal readers, Bad Mother Coitus yet again brings you the future… today.
Goodness gracious me! I am of the honest and sober(ish) belief that if this was shown to the nefarious evil doers of the world that not only would they leave us alone they would probably send aid. The extreme sad part is that this was a tutorial for Doc Gonzo.
This site has been fan donated by Ernie Rovaag of Ely, Minnesota. Ernie's website contains instructions for the defense of one’s being should they find themselves accosted with only a cane or stick within reach. Being ninjas, we already know all of this, but for all you layman out there.
Annnnnnnnnd a lovely clip of Baldee’s mother.
Okay Coitusers this is pretty disgusting. Honestly I’m torn because I don’t really know who is right and who is in the wrong. The man has no right to attack the reporter howeve there should be a level of privacy available in everybody’s lives. The man did commit a crime but that does not grant carte blanche to be humiliated in front of his fellow citizens. Isn’t there a war in Iraq that Fox has forgotten to cover?
**This is extremely graphic (because violence isn’t technically considered to be something to shy our kids from but breasts and the word fuck are).
No band this week, you all get a movie. I have not, as yet, seen this film but am very much looking forward to it. The movie is entitled This Film is Not Yet Rated and directed by Kirby Dick already award winning for his past documentaries. It is an important film because it challenges the rating system that American movies use and why sex and language is a far worse offense than violence. It’s done in the typical leftist style,think Allan Moore, however it is something everybody should watch.
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The public spoke and by a resounding 13% found Baldee’s image to most closely resemble… Actor Rene Russo! This again proves that we do have the most intelligent readers on the web.
Just when you thought it couldn’t be any more annoying to leave the house… The pain is that this is going to be everywhere in a few years and we will all have to look at this crap everyday for the rest of our lives. So… loyal readers, Bad Mother Coitus yet again brings you the future… today.
Goodness gracious me! I am of the honest and sober(ish) belief that if this was shown to the nefarious evil doers of the world that not only would they leave us alone they would probably send aid. The extreme sad part is that this was a tutorial for Doc Gonzo.
This site has been fan donated by Ernie Rovaag of Ely, Minnesota. Ernie's website contains instructions for the defense of one’s being should they find themselves accosted with only a cane or stick within reach. Being ninjas, we already know all of this, but for all you layman out there.
Annnnnnnnnd a lovely clip of Baldee’s mother.
Okay Coitusers this is pretty disgusting. Honestly I’m torn because I don’t really know who is right and who is in the wrong. The man has no right to attack the reporter howeve there should be a level of privacy available in everybody’s lives. The man did commit a crime but that does not grant carte blanche to be humiliated in front of his fellow citizens. Isn’t there a war in Iraq that Fox has forgotten to cover?
**This is extremely graphic (because violence isn’t technically considered to be something to shy our kids from but breasts and the word fuck are).
No band this week, you all get a movie. I have not, as yet, seen this film but am very much looking forward to it. The movie is entitled This Film is Not Yet Rated and directed by Kirby Dick already award winning for his past documentaries. It is an important film because it challenges the rating system that American movies use and why sex and language is a far worse offense than violence. It’s done in the typical leftist style,think Allan Moore, however it is something everybody should watch.
Latin Television
Since I am broke as hell and I recently cancelled my satellite for those of you who cant read between the lines on that it means all my Porn Channels are gone .
Flipping thru the sad programming that is normal Television I made an amazing discovery Latin Programming is the best for overall tasteful skin watching and I am now a fan.
I hate that English speaking shows well mainly comedy programs that try to make fun of the last real programming that truly respects the average heterosexual man .
That mi amigo Gringo's is Latin Television yes I said it we all know that if it's on we watch it and we don't give a rats ass if we cant speak the language .
ASS IS TRULY THE INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE
Aside from the Playboy channel ("and I say Playboy because during the day there programs are soft as hell and I have never been one for Blondes which they never run out of on that channel you can begin your hate mail on that subject later in the meantime read on .")can you get better media?
But why Latin Tele is better then Playboy or some other hardcore Channel is that it's Free !!!
I like my hardcore Porn mind you, but sometime it's just nice to have a cup of Coffee on a Sunday morning and watch a Hot thong contest at 10 am.
Aside from everything I am a refined gentleman
Flipping thru the sad programming that is normal Television I made an amazing discovery Latin Programming is the best for overall tasteful skin watching and I am now a fan.
I hate that English speaking shows well mainly comedy programs that try to make fun of the last real programming that truly respects the average heterosexual man .
That mi amigo Gringo's is Latin Television yes I said it we all know that if it's on we watch it and we don't give a rats ass if we cant speak the language .
ASS IS TRULY THE INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE
Aside from the Playboy channel ("and I say Playboy because during the day there programs are soft as hell and I have never been one for Blondes which they never run out of on that channel you can begin your hate mail on that subject later in the meantime read on .")can you get better media?
But why Latin Tele is better then Playboy or some other hardcore Channel is that it's Free !!!
I like my hardcore Porn mind you, but sometime it's just nice to have a cup of Coffee on a Sunday morning and watch a Hot thong contest at 10 am.
Aside from everything I am a refined gentleman
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
he's like a detuned radio
“A scream for help is only as good as the notes it’s sung on.” The wino on the Red Line explains to me. “Although conversely, we’re all singing like mad everyday.”
I got drunk in Old Town and am riding the wrong train. I think I’m heading toward the South Side. That was the last stop for downtown, only above ground from here on out. At least that’s what the adverts on the telly will have me believe.
We’re all drunk though. Some are merry, some are crying, some are fighting. I swear to fuck that this assclown sitting next to me fucking wet himself. I’d do something about it but I’m in no condition to stand. There is, however, something warm about it.
Tonight is just six cigarettes of one or half a dozen of the other. But according to the good folks on the intercom, along with eating and gambling, fumaring is forbidden as well. Savages…
The wino is talking again but my language sensor broke hours ago, after I left Tavern 33, before the night even started. I’d converse but he insists on talking in math. To make myself seem more accommodating I fire up the accoutrement.
You’d think we were in fucking Los Angeles the way people look at you when you smoke. “I’ll put it out. I’ll put it out.”
It turns out that it wasn’t the jones next to me that wet himself. It might’ve been me. I guess if I did want to get my ass kicked this would be a sublime situation to encourage it.
The wino graces me with the first whack. It feels good. It changes the channel in my head. Then comes a slow motion dig into my stomach. This one has pressed the automatic expunge button. A brief, holy second to determine which end it’s coming out followed by a shiny stream of the past two hours flying at him.
This only aggravates the wino more. I don’t think he is a wino any longer; he may never even have been a bum. This fucker has ideas! This fucker has the left jab of Justice and the right hook of Karma. When he delivers the upper cut the blood tastes like clockwork to my mouth, salty, yet sweet.
Deliverance. They kick me off. My body runs headlong into a support beam. I pour myself into a human puddle on the ground. It’ll be over soon now. I still can’t stand. This missing tooth has provided me with an ideal place to put my smoke.
The train pulls away with a ding ding ding. This is what you get when you mess with us.
I got drunk in Old Town and am riding the wrong train. I think I’m heading toward the South Side. That was the last stop for downtown, only above ground from here on out. At least that’s what the adverts on the telly will have me believe.
We’re all drunk though. Some are merry, some are crying, some are fighting. I swear to fuck that this assclown sitting next to me fucking wet himself. I’d do something about it but I’m in no condition to stand. There is, however, something warm about it.
Tonight is just six cigarettes of one or half a dozen of the other. But according to the good folks on the intercom, along with eating and gambling, fumaring is forbidden as well. Savages…
The wino is talking again but my language sensor broke hours ago, after I left Tavern 33, before the night even started. I’d converse but he insists on talking in math. To make myself seem more accommodating I fire up the accoutrement.
You’d think we were in fucking Los Angeles the way people look at you when you smoke. “I’ll put it out. I’ll put it out.”
It turns out that it wasn’t the jones next to me that wet himself. It might’ve been me. I guess if I did want to get my ass kicked this would be a sublime situation to encourage it.
The wino graces me with the first whack. It feels good. It changes the channel in my head. Then comes a slow motion dig into my stomach. This one has pressed the automatic expunge button. A brief, holy second to determine which end it’s coming out followed by a shiny stream of the past two hours flying at him.
This only aggravates the wino more. I don’t think he is a wino any longer; he may never even have been a bum. This fucker has ideas! This fucker has the left jab of Justice and the right hook of Karma. When he delivers the upper cut the blood tastes like clockwork to my mouth, salty, yet sweet.
Deliverance. They kick me off. My body runs headlong into a support beam. I pour myself into a human puddle on the ground. It’ll be over soon now. I still can’t stand. This missing tooth has provided me with an ideal place to put my smoke.
The train pulls away with a ding ding ding. This is what you get when you mess with us.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
the scientific thought process of dr gonzo on her 1995 chevy cavalier
fact: this is my very first vehicle, bought in 1997
fact: it's been >6000 miles since my last oil change
fact: i am putting 1 can of power steering fluid in my vehicle every other day
fact: i need to put more coolant in the vehicle
fact: my car makes 32 different noises
fact: i have 2 half containers of coolant, 1 half container of power steering fluid, and winshield washer fluid in my trunk
fact: i smelled sweetish smoke while on my way to work this morning while in two locations, away from other vehicles
fact: my car needs to be retired
fact: while attempting to drive stick shift this weekend, i stalled in excess of 50 times
fact: i love said stick shift vehicle
fiction: said stick shift vehicle loves me back
delusion: my car will last me till winter
conclusion: tears, frustration and a little manning up will ensue in the following week. also, a bit of research for a worthy cause to which i willl donate my vehicle.
fact: that's one nice tax deduction
fact: it's been >6000 miles since my last oil change
fact: i am putting 1 can of power steering fluid in my vehicle every other day
fact: i need to put more coolant in the vehicle
fact: my car makes 32 different noises
fact: i have 2 half containers of coolant, 1 half container of power steering fluid, and winshield washer fluid in my trunk
fact: i smelled sweetish smoke while on my way to work this morning while in two locations, away from other vehicles
fact: my car needs to be retired
fact: while attempting to drive stick shift this weekend, i stalled in excess of 50 times
fact: i love said stick shift vehicle
fiction: said stick shift vehicle loves me back
delusion: my car will last me till winter
conclusion: tears, frustration and a little manning up will ensue in the following week. also, a bit of research for a worthy cause to which i willl donate my vehicle.
fact: that's one nice tax deduction
I don't work on labor Day
i guess i'm supposed to fill in on monday's not that ol' charmin harmin was fired but fuck that man, i don't work on labor day. i get fucked up. that's the deal. and ai did to. hammered. i had more Amtel Lights yesterday than all of Amsterdam. ha hahaha.
so i had this sweet ass dream last night and i think it's why i woke up in such an awesome mood. you know how that happens sometimes when you dream of something cool and it makes you feel cool? or you dream of fighting a dragon or something and you wake up all hot like it's flames got to you/ stuff like that. you know.
so this dream. in it i was me and i was staying at this hotel with my girlfriend hilary duff. i usually prefer the sluttier chicks (i want action man) but hilary's cool y'know. anyway i was at this hotel with hilary and her little sister hailey and their parents, but their parents were cool. the best part was that her dad wouldn't let me and hil in the same room alone so he made hayley stay with us too. thanks for the hookup on the threesome dad! fuck on!
so we were all hanging out and they were wearing this little boy shorts deals that chicks wear and haily was flirty and stuff and hil totally didn't mind. but then it got weired. we started hanging out with Scott Turow and i think he's a writer of like mystery books and shit. and we had to solve this murder at a department store. cept it really wasn't a murder, just a dead body in the men's department. so me and the duffs and turow were trying to piece it all together and it was fuckin anoying because turow seemed like he knew what was going on but wouldn't tell us, like he was testing us or something. that pissed me off because i wanted to solve the stupid thing because i wanted to get some wine and see what the girls would do in the hotel y'know? i got priorities fucker.
so at the dept store the mannequins were all laying on the floor so it was hard to find the body and shit. we looked around and finally found it. then the cops got there and arrested the fucking writer dude turow and said he did it and was gonna kill us. he had already tried to kill lindsy lohan and was now trying to get my duffs. fucker! so then we went to see a movie and i woke up.
so i had this sweet ass dream last night and i think it's why i woke up in such an awesome mood. you know how that happens sometimes when you dream of something cool and it makes you feel cool? or you dream of fighting a dragon or something and you wake up all hot like it's flames got to you/ stuff like that. you know.
so this dream. in it i was me and i was staying at this hotel with my girlfriend hilary duff. i usually prefer the sluttier chicks (i want action man) but hilary's cool y'know. anyway i was at this hotel with hilary and her little sister hailey and their parents, but their parents were cool. the best part was that her dad wouldn't let me and hil in the same room alone so he made hayley stay with us too. thanks for the hookup on the threesome dad! fuck on!
so we were all hanging out and they were wearing this little boy shorts deals that chicks wear and haily was flirty and stuff and hil totally didn't mind. but then it got weired. we started hanging out with Scott Turow and i think he's a writer of like mystery books and shit. and we had to solve this murder at a department store. cept it really wasn't a murder, just a dead body in the men's department. so me and the duffs and turow were trying to piece it all together and it was fuckin anoying because turow seemed like he knew what was going on but wouldn't tell us, like he was testing us or something. that pissed me off because i wanted to solve the stupid thing because i wanted to get some wine and see what the girls would do in the hotel y'know? i got priorities fucker.
so at the dept store the mannequins were all laying on the floor so it was hard to find the body and shit. we looked around and finally found it. then the cops got there and arrested the fucking writer dude turow and said he did it and was gonna kill us. he had already tried to kill lindsy lohan and was now trying to get my duffs. fucker! so then we went to see a movie and i woke up.
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