dear starbuck,
well, if you know j. then i'm truly sorry about everything. i thought i was doing the right thing, or what i believed in. i really did believe in it. i think she's forgiven me for it. i liked hanging out with all of you; you guys were great. j. seems likes she's in a good spot with s. and the times i've hung out with her she seems happy. i'm mature enough to be happy for her and do miss you guys.
answers are easy. realistically, there are only answers. i'm trying to make a point of being honest with everybody and expecting honesty out of everybody else. i removed myself from the 'Sota not to be independent, but not to be dependent. i've wanted this city for two years cos i've missed it. i want to be a better person.
if by "her" you mean m., my ex-wife, then yes i do love her even if it is what it is. i told j. i don't regret what i did, and she respects it. and look on the bright side, she's got s. so... yay!
oh! as for books, i'm reading Burgundy Stars which, thank you, you just ruined the end for me by having me look it up on wikipedia.... shit, that totally bums me out. anyway, nice way to go into depression...
yes, i think i am depressed. i've taken this honesty to extreme which has hurt and cost friends. i am alone. i don't regret it, i don't regret moving here, nor do i regret this depression. i would a thousand times over rather stand by what i want, what i believe in then the lies i used to make people feel comfortable.
and that's it. comfortable. i don't want to feel comfortable. i'm so sick of being comfortable with what i'm doing, who my friends are, what's going on. i don't want people with their pulses on the next big thing, or what everybody says is fantastic. i just want stupid satisfaction.
i want somebody to watch juvenile tv with, listen to a cranked up radio, cook with, pull the cork on a bottle of wine for the taste of it, somebody i can go to a movie theater with and realize there isn't a movie we want to watch and pick up a bag of movie popcorn to go home and watch something on our own.
i know... i'm stupid. i hope "refriended" isn't... honest to fucking God i hope "refriended" isn't.
3 comments:
Ahab’s johnson (Part I)
Hmmm … I must admit I was feeling a little assholeish with my previous comment. After all who am I to ask ‘Are you always this fucking depressing?’ Also, there seems to be some confusion. The J to which I was referring is not a she. But we’ll revisit these things later.
In the meantime, premises are of utmost importance. Without sound premises our only hope is logical absurdity. That may not be terrible so long as we never get there. Sometimes—often—the process is more important than the outcome. But let’s try to come to some understanding. Here’s what I think I know:
Surely you, Mule, or I, Starbuck, know ourselves better than anyone else is capable of knowing us. Of this there is no doubt. It follows that, except for the special case where we shall have occasion to discuss the Whale as himself, in the truest sense, the Whale is unknown. In fact we have no occasion to discuss the Whale as himself. He doesn’t speak to us directly. This may change, but presently he is unattainable. He is ‘that inscrutable thing …’ a ‘vague nameless horror … so mystical and well nigh ineffable …’ And so our first premise: the Whale is unknown; or, equivalently, to know the Whale is to be the Whale.
I’m only allowed 4096 characters. To be continued …
it's been years since i've read 'moby dick'; i'm reading hawthorne's 'the scarlet letter' which should segue nicely into 'moby dick'. i shall... make it so.
i disagree about a person truly knowing himself. there is only the philosophy of what an individual has done, and the next act he will do--an act he might not be able to perceive or foresee. ostensibly, how he acts could be in direct result to the Whale, but does that mean he seeks the Whale out to measure his worth, or is the Whale thrust upon him?
this is a difficult premise to tackle, especially from ahab's point of view where the Whale became an obsession for him. he was blinded in his pursuit of this one thing. and what would have happened to him if he would've killed moby dick?
Ahab’s johnson (Part II)
I’m glad you disagree. And you’re right about the Whale and the difficultness of this particular premise. The Whale must be viewed within relevant context. And it’s important that we understand why some may be driven to madness by such an unknowable thing while others may not.
With that we move to Ahab, whom we do hear from directly and who, we come to understand, wants to know the Whale for a singular morbid purpose. Figuratively of course he must know the Whale for other reasons. But, alas, we have our second premise: Ahab is the intrepid Captain of a great ship and, as such, he is many things, but there’s at least one thing he is not. Ahab is not the Whale. From these two simple truths, insofar as they are true, we recognize immediately that Ahab is fucked squarely in the ass by the ineffable stranger. Is he not?
Under most circumstances Ahab’s situation, while pitiable, is unexceptionable. But Ahab’s circumstances are not ordinary. He’s missing a leg god dammit! And he didn’t remove it himself. He could have, of course; that is, removed it himself. Else one of his crew could have removed it. Any amateur can produce an appendage, be it leg or toe, by 3 ‘o clock this afternoon … fucking amateurs. But if Ahab or the crew were culpable we wouldn’t be having this discussion. And besides Ahab’s leg is not the issue. Just as the leg was not missing and now is, the central issue concerns that which was missing and now is not. No, it was ‘Moby Dick that dismasted’ Ahab. In your words the Whale was ‘thrust upon him’ and, in the process, he became aware of what condition his condition was in.
From here things deteriorate rapidly ...
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