Growth

We're all gathered here today for the big announcement from upper management. I don't even know who they are, half the guys on the board of directors look like the uglier Simon of Simon & Simon fame. I'm mesmerized by the combined power of their mustaches. This may be less than coherent due to my infatuation with really shitty facial hair.

Anyway, like I said, we're all here in the conference room. It's got a nice view of Coitus Lake (one of the less popular of Minnesota's revered 10,000). Satchel and Bel are looking dreamily off onto the horizon and just smiling at each other. Get a room! Or wait, are they brother and sister? Who hired them again? Bel's kinda hot.

Mule, being the jackass that he is, has his Chuck Taylor's up on the table. Ellen is wearing a French maid's outfit but she's been refusing to clean for the last week and she's totally ruining the whole French maid vibe. Where's the inappropriate feather dusting? She's training in the new girl, Marjorie, who so far as I can tell is a militant lesbian. I don't think French maid outfits are supposed to come with camo stockings but it's not hot. It's the opposite of hot. Which fucking sucks. I thought we specified in the application that sexy lesbians were okay but not angry militant ones. I'm okay with people being indifferent to my penis but c'mon, don't hate the guy. Also, Marjorie has a horrible lisp.

Todd Dancer looks like an old horse. As my grandma used to say he's been rode hard and put away wet. I think he just shaved in the bathroom. His chest. Shaved his chest.

Baldee and Dr. Gonz are chattering about some social issue or something. It's cute how they care. I don't know. Why are we here? Whatever happened to Remo? I think the board members are gonna talk.

Yep, Simon #1 just confirmed what we all knew was coming. We have a growth problem. Later this week The BMC will be adding a few new websites to the mix. Dealing with Music and Movies and possibly books or something. Watch for more info. We're just setting it up now. Here's what Simon #2 just said.

Simon #2: With the exciting new growth this quarter we're looking for you to be more consistent as a workforce. We feel like there isn't a lot of trust between you. This is evidenced by the recent ripping on Harmon in polls and the comments. We can't grow if we're not a team.

Todd Dancer: I'll show you growing, c'mere Ellen!

Marjorie: That ith groth!

Todd Dancer: If you're lyin' you're dyin' babe.

Baldee: Fuck Harmon!

Mule: Yeah!

Simon #3: See, this is the problem we're having. So we've signed you all up for Team Building at the Richfield Sheraton. You'll all be staying together for the week and going through various excercises as a unit.

Todd Dancer: Fuck Harmon!

Simon #1: Duly noted Todd. Thanks for the input.

Harmon: I'd rather get ripped on by them then do a teambuilding thing in Richfield.

Simon #5: You don't have a choice. You each have suitcases ready for you by the doorway. I suggest you grab one on your way out. As part of the teambuilding, to create a real sense of unity, we've supplied you all with team uniforms for the week. We've arranged a bus to transport all of you to the Richfield Sheraton immediately. Don't let us down.

So we're all sitting in the "bus" which is actually a minivan. Marjorie is on Todd's lap and I can actually see the lawsuit pending right now. They should have gotten another bus or van or something. Ellen is whispering in Dr. Gonzo's ear and they're both laughing. We'll be at the Richfield Sheraton in minutes but it feels like days.

They've got us all rooming together in two side by side rooms with the super lame mini door for convenience. But it's just two rooms. 9 people in two rooms. No cots. It's like The Real World: Richfield or something. What happens when coworkers stop being civil and start teambuilding? You'll know soon enough...All I know is that Baldee must have gotten one of the women's suitcases because he's wearing a t-shirt that stops at his belly button and a skirt. Either that or he thinks this is prison and he's hoping I'm gonna go gay for the stay with him.

I just saw Marjorie wearing baggie men's zubaz and mock turtleneck. They have The BMC logo all over 'em. I guess we know why Baldee's got the girly stuff on now. Are we sure this team is worth building?