Explanation of American Football by Position

Due to lack of caring for the sport of American Football and having removed myself from the epicenter of the head moron fan capital (Minneapolis) I believed myself removed of this five month headache. But it is everywhere here in the Midwest, especially here in Wisconsin and the fans are equally as big of morons as those in Minneapolis (seriously, I think I met a girl named Brett Farve the other day).

Instead of going down the tried and true method of disproving the entire league this year I’ve elected to prove what a worthless sport it is by position.

Tight Ends: Too stupid to play the Defensive Line, now they find themselves running simple passing routes and throwing their body’s at Linebackers during running plays.

Offensive Line: Too fat and stupid to play the defensive line. Although this position should be congratulated as it is the only position, in all of sport, not have a statistical way of keeping track of it.

Defensive Line: Too fat and stupid to play linebacker.

Linebackers: Ah, Sam, Mike and Will. A linebacker may be the only respectable position on the field.

Quarterback: Sure they may have to run the offense. Sure they might have to be able to read zone or man or cover two before the snap. But all quarterbacks are douche bags. I guarantee you that all quarterbacks definitely have had some history of child abuse in their past or are, themselves, child abusers.

Running Back: Recently proven a worthless position on the field with the advent of the Denver style of running game. No longer is a skilled person needed to achieve 1000 yards a year. A group of large, in charge and Hungry Man eating Offensive lineman capable of falling forward will suffice!

Strong Safety: Too stupid to play Free Safety; too small to play Linebacker

Free Safety: Too slow to play Cornerback; too small to play Linebacker

Cornerback: Too short to play Wide Receiver

Wide Receiver: Honestly the only position producing more douche bags than the Quarterback and single handedly why this article must be written. The NFL has finally given in and turned into the National Football League of Terrell Owens (or the NFLTO). Now not only is this a stupid sport it has finally reached its’ ultimate devolution of turning into NASCAR II. No longer do the fans no longer care about scores but they have replaced these scores with contimplating what sort of sandwich Terrell ate for lunch.

Ladies and Gentelman... I give you American Football



Next Week: Bad Mother Coitus: Stats and The Year in Review